lets not talk about it

there are certain people who deserve to be avoided. You can't love everybody in this world (because that would just lead to a huge awkward orgy at which point it would become hard to look anybody in the eye). Not every personality fits together and this is why we need to know how to properly avoid people. I have developed a wonderful system for avoiding the annoying.

Here goes...

Step 1: Pie in the Sky
The primary source of human interaction is eye contact. If you've ever walked into a hallway and found yourself making incidental eye contact with the co-worker who can't stop talking the cats that inhabit her safari like home, quickly avoid this person by redirecting your eyes to something on the ceiling or wall. "Oh look a black widowed spider holding a martini."

Step 2: Here boy. Fetch!
Most times a persistent fat bastard won't easily be fooled by a redirecting eye and you will have to interact in some form. This is when you use the misdirection technique. "Oh hey Bob. I heard they're handing out free doughnuts in the park. Hurry quickly before the police decide to shut it down confiscate them." Your tubby friend will more than likely be too distracted by the idea of fresh pastry goods to annoy with his great adventures of chicken pot pies and earning the highest level on World of Warcraft with the expansion package.

Step 3: Do the Heisman on the...
The greatest action to avoid interaction is a reaction. There are several ways to use this step. Some more violent than others. The more simple action is the side step. Begin by heading straight toward the prick with a blank stare on your face and as soon as you get close, step to the side, and continue on your path in one motion. Now a more effective form of this step is to extend your arm toward the guys face making sure the palm of your hand makes contact with his cheek bone. A good performance is when you hear a slapping noise. Disclaimer: the more violent you get with this step the more you want to make sure you deliver a good knock out.

These are three simple steps but there are many more.

you make me earl.

I just went back to the disappointing facebk and I almost earled. I guess before I left I decided to join several groups that have now spammed the hell out of my inbox. I'm getting poked by random broads I have no idea who they are. And I realized why I don't want to see pictures of people I hardly talk to, people I never knew yet they are in my friends list, and the up to date status of every hour, minute, second of someones life. I hate you facebk. You are the definition of sell out in the new millennium.

How the hell did I get an email about a poke when I know I turned all my email notifications off? Facebk is like the pestering guy down the street who just don't take no, a beat down, and an attempt to run him over; serious.

Gimme a cane, red suspenders, and a pocket full of change

A sign that I'm getting old is when I have a plumbing problem and I have to call some to fix it. No I'm not talking about digestive plumbing. I got a kitchen sink that just stopped sinking.

Usually I get my grown man on and just get on my knees to go at it for 4 hours but this time I'm too tired. Now there's two guys in my home jamming a snake down a tube virgorously and loudly. While watching them sweat and trying to avoid the glance of plumbers butt , I just can't imagine doing it myself anymore.

Good luck to them. Sounds like an impossible task. I hope they have some good solution to pour. Mean while I gotta pee and I'm wondering if I flush will that spray them in the face? (might be my only chance to piss in a white guys face. You know you've thought about it).
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You gonna take a left. Then you gonna take another left. Then you gonna take one more left to get back here and ask me again.

I have a terrible sense of direction. Its inherited. I remember many a road trips with my father getting lost with written directions in hand. When I first moved to atl I drove with one knee because my hands were holding a map against the windshield.

I wish there were up to date maps with key markers like "you gonna pass three mickey dees. The last one gonna be selling the McRib for a limited time. Stop in and get you one, then go out the back way and take a left. " I know gps has solved all our problems but I've yet to remember to set my trip in advance. So only after I have been in circles three times do I stop and punch in the right route. And now I can't stop at a gas station because the first thing they say is "que? Non gps?"

And what happens when my battery runs out? I'm trying to guess how long I have left before I'm back to the stone age and trying to find the big dipper.

How do you directional inclined people do it? Are yall just cheating with a compass written on the back of your hand? Am I just not paying attention? Talk to me. And if you have time I'm on the side of the road so come pick me up.
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I'm exhausted.

I'm in the process of cleaning and rearranging my parents house. I'm visiting home for a week and everybody is working so I have nothing to do. Why did I decide to tell my parents I would paint multiple rooms, clean multiple yards and change a carpet? Part of me feels I'm obligated to do this because I haven't been good at coming back home and staying with my parents.

But I need a break. I feel like a slave on the first day of cotton picking. Just on some oh hell naw!

I discovered something else about me. I don't like to complete things I do and I get it from my pops. There so many projects he has started in this house and never quite finished. If its a paint job the trim is unfinished. If its a game room a wall is incomplete.

I think I decided to help around the house to teach me something. First to finish the mess my father left and to complete every project I start. So I can't stop now. There's something to learn here. Its all in the details.
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Life is not in love

A very important lyricists of this time has commented on the universal rule of life. "a woman's life is love; a man's love is life" (c) phonte of little brother. Every society has bread their women to love a man and life will be fulfilling. Men are raised to seize life by the balls and demand success. Many men fail at life but every woman is still expected to find a man to love. These rules seemed to work until women decided they wanted to feel the balls of life as well. This has upset the balance of the universe. For you see, no one is holding the heart of life.
Now life no longer feels love; only his balls our being juggled between men and women. Since women are aiming to make more money and have more power, men that fail at success have nothing left to do after letting go of life's bowling balls. Men do not know how to care for a heart. Sure there are doctors that know the mechanics but to keep the warmth of love flowing through the body of life is incomprehensible.
Women you must return to caring for the heart. You may not think it is important because your work is not hard or flashy. Love comes natural to you. Men look to you for the definition of love. You are the best at keeping life's heart flowing with love. You must not step out of your role or I fear life will immaturely ejaculate its seeds of knowledge and our society will become too weak to move and fall asleep in a wet spot of crushed dreams.
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Behaviors of the ruling and trapped

Take a step back and analyze the behaviors of man. I think you'll discover that most relationships are of a prisoner and guard. If you've ever heard of the experiment of the prisoner and the guard then you should know where I'm going with this. There is a ruling class in every society. This class uses tools to keep the rest in a prisoner mind state. These tools follow simple procedures that manipulate the mind: humiliation, religion, and repetition.
Do we not set certain goals only because its tradition? Are we not afraid of our appearance in society so we do what ever we can to keep up with the jones? Doesn't religion force you to follow laws that go against your desires and emotions?
The animal is a behavioral being; living according to instincts and basic survival needs. Why as humans have we strayed from this type of life? Wouldn't life be simple? Wouldn't silly emotional diseases be of no use? Let us make our own decisions by what makes us happy and suffer the consequences on our own.
Instead our minds are imprisoned. We don't think for ourselves. We believe in what these so called laws are providing. Peace, right? I mean there no wars and everyone is so wealthy, right?
Do you really think society would be unbearable if we behaved with our instincts rather than tradition?
Free your mind.
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true!

*steps up on soapbox*

"love yourself before you cut yourself"

Fat people! Yes I'm talking to you holding the doughnut. Fat people! before you go under the knife and suck the fat out of your back, shrink your stomach, or do anything new and extreme to lose weight; make sure you love yourself first. I'm watching this True Life: I'm uncomfortable with my new body and it is confirming everything I believed about people who want to do drastic surgery.

When you have unnecessary medical treatment for the appearance which you created without any control, you will NOT be happy. Anyone who has had treatment and considers oneself as being happy is lying. That person is just waiting for the next opportunity to change another thing about his or her self.

Listen accept yourself. That means understand your lifestyle, your actions, your decisions; understand you. Sure you might want to look a certain way or behave in another way but pay attention to what you actually do in every circumstance. You want to loose weight but when you're hungry you eat excessively. You want to be popular but when you are out you don't talk much. Just accept it and stick to what makes you happy.

*steps off soapbox and asks the fat guy if he has more doughnuts*

Krispy Kremes b!tch

the inside job

the last night before I went back to Atlanta, I had my whole room packed and ready to go. Three days before, I was away on a trip to Dallas for two days and I told my roommates I would be leaving when I got back.

I go to bed around midnight ready to leave Norman in the morning and spend the day with my girl during 4th of July. Sleep falls upon me very quickly from the exhaustion of packing and the excitement of barbecue food for a whole day, then suddenly I hear a noise. In less than a second I decipher the noise to be from my window shades and my window was closed.

I jump straight up to a sitting position facing my window to see a black figure holding my window shade halfway from its base and my window completely open. Hearing no sound but my alertness upon the bed, the dark figure drops the shade and runs away.

What happened? Was it a dream? Was I hallucinating? Did I almost just get Ezheal'd (*Friday reference)? I step lightly to window. Alert if the perpetrators decided to come back and finish the job. My window was wide open. My screen was lying on the concrete floor. My laptop was sitting right next to the window along with my hard drive. Nothing stolen but the deep sleep and the expected dreams.

For the next hour with the light on, I pondered. I'm on the second floor. I don't keep my window or my shades open. They didn't steal my laptop that was sitting right next to my window. What in the world just happened? Were they trying to get into the room? If so for what? To hurt me? I hardly know anybody. Who would want to do that? What did they want?

The thoughts rambled on. I was led to an assumption, this was an inside job. How much of a coincidence was it that on my last night this happened? When I was away for two days with my window unlocked, my front door unlocked (the roommates never locked it), my bedroom unlocked and on the night that I'm there (the last night), someone decides to climb through my window. This had to have been planned by someone who knew something about me. And I've always heard that most crimes being committed is by someone you know.

*Just so you know what reference was.

The Cleveland Show

http://www.zshare.net/video/620914104b4d02e4/

The pilot is hilarious. I hope this means more work for black actors. Real black actors not just Tyler Perry's crew.

Ohhhh! Chef Boyar G's new batch of hate.

chef's choice: Escape From Cubicle Nation

so while attempting to escape from dull life in Atlanta: unemployed, unmotivated, and dissatisfied; I went in search for some inspirational reading to help me become my own boss. I hit the Barnes and Noble business section and just started browsing the books for entrepreneurs. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know which book was right for me. Some of the books look like textbooks from school that I despised and others looked like entrepreneurship for dummies.

Then I found Escape From Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim.


At first I thought, this doesn't look like a serious book. Maybe I shouldn't waste my money. But then I thought, I have no idea where to start and I have fears that I shouldn't be thinking about entrepreneurship anyways, so why not have something lightweight in jargon. Then I looked at the cover because I do judge actual books by their covers, and I saw the people poking their heads out like groundhogs and thought, that's exactly how I felt when I had a job. I was too scared peek out of my own dull existence and see my shadow of disappointment.

So I bought the book. Yes I bought it for the cover but this time I wasn't disappointed at all. After a good read, I realized this book was just for me. Great inspirational quotes, lots of resources, lots of real life examples, and great motivational tools. Escape From Cubicle Nation was a great start. It didn't teach me everything I needed to start a business plan but it help get my fears out of the way by giving me real life expectations and much needed stepping stones. Pamela is straight forward in delivering achievable action steps that will get you one step closer to your tipping point.

move forward

one of the famous quotes my father used to say after watching me play a soccer game is, "you haff to move forward!" It never made any sense to me because I played defense. But nowadays I find myself using that as the answer as to why I need to take risks. I need to move forward.

I'm back in Atlanta. Back from my "extended vacation". What I really feel is that it wasn't a vacation at all but an answer to my prayers. I was looking for something or someone to motivate me and I did. I found someone to give me purpose and a new place to keep me interested. The risk worked out and I'm happy. So why am I still scared?

Is it wrong to find happiness? That's what we are all looking for right? Either someone to be happy with or things to keep us happy. I've found one if not possibly two of those things. So why do I still fear this risk won't work out and I will fail? I keep thinking that I should abandon the idea of starting a business and just rely on a regular job. Give up my happiness in an uncharted land and stick with my roots.

But, (and I quote) "Everything that I have done up till now has been unsuccessful. Its time to try something else" (okay that was a paraphrase from Pamela Slim Escape From Cubicle Nation). I need to put my fears aside, rely on God, and the warm bubbly feeling inside (I hope is not just gas). And I need to follow the line of my father, which will probably be a title of a book one day, I need to move forward.

Plus if I wasn't scared I probably wasn't doing anything right in the first place. The funny thing is that my father has been asking me to come back home. Sorry pops. You raised a good boy who was taught to listen to his parents. I gotta keep going. I need to move forward.

life can be so... "SQUIRREL!"

i don't want to get distracted. I'm in full force mode in life and I would hate for something to happen to discourage or distract me from where I need to get to. I feel like that dog on the movie "Up" who in the middle of talking has to stop and notice a squirrel. Sure to a dog the squirrel is something to chase and have fun with but will it really help it to accomplish his goal of being the best dog it can be. No. I understand I must have some fun and I want to have fun more than feel like I'm working but I don't want to waste time.

The real problem is that I have gotten great at wasting time. I've always been a shy kid and a loner so inevitably I've created time wasting activities to help me get through the day. This is bad if I want to be a business owner. I have to learn to be active in the right ways and if I'm wasting time it should be helpful in some way.

That's why I'm off of facebook (*pause* here comes a facebook rant so brace yourself). Facebook teaches me nothing. I don't care about people I don't care about so why do I need to know that such and such is enjoying an ice cream at two o'clock in the morning. At least my other time wasting sites offer bits of information or news. For instance verysmartbrothas.com teaches me how to be a better man and the ten top movies I should have seen by now. Okayplayer.com provides me with music I love and people that love it too. Even Kanye West's blog kanyeuniverscity.com has cool design stuff (shameless plugs over). But facebook gives me nothing. Sure they say its a great way to network. But does anybody really talk about important things on there anymore. No. Because soon they will own you and everything you put on the site. (Rant over. I feel like I said this before).

What's really funny is that this blog is distracting me as we speak (well I speak you browse for something worth reading). But at least this blog teaches me something about myself. One thing I've learned is that I want to see the movie "Up".

you left a stinky trail

i just discovered that if you google my old alias I found a trail of embarrassing youtube clips, blackplanet pages, comments on random boards, and a string of other things I did when I was bored and had a job. Man the internet sucks. Not only that but my old alias was part of my email address that I have been giving out to employees for an interview. So what does that mean, when I went in for a particular interview she made a reference to a video I made years ago that included me being intoxicated (this was just for fun). I didn't fully realize the reference at the time of the interview. All I could think of is, "Hey I made a video about that." A week later it dawns on me. I google the alias and guess what number my incriminating video shows up as: #4. How embarrassing.

Well you live and you learn. I've deleted most of the old stuff with that alias and I will now give a different email for business purposes. The internet sucks for that though because the average person doesn't go online as a professional. They go to fool around and waste time. Plus any video, picture, blog entry made was at a different time in my life but a random reader won't take the time to view the time-stamp and say, "well that was years ago. I'm sure he has changed."

So from now on I will be referred to as chefBoyarG on this blog. I'm still cooking with grease. Its a shame that my most unprofessional moments can't be viewed as attempts to release my creative energy. I'm proud of my creativity. It's what makes me special and I wanted to share it with the world. Unfortunately the fat cats have sticks up their butts.

INC

I'm starting a new business and I need a target market. A specific market. I can work with just anybody because I lose the focus I need to work for the right people. Plus I hate working with people. I don't mind working for people but working with us tough because I'm a do it my way or no way type of person. There's nothing worst than spending your time to complete a project with my own expertise than having some amature decide they can change or have input on something. Sounds terrible doesn't it? But that's how I feel.
I Ve figured that the type of people I want as a client is someone who wants in and out. No long term updates or continuing projects. Just a logo, a template and that's it. Now don't get me wrong I know I need to build relationships but I also want the new business to work on what I can give tham first before you decide I'm your new on the spot designer who likes calls at 3 am to design a flyer. Take the logo, take the template and are what works first. Then when you have a particular project come back to me with proof that it can work.
I dunno this is mostly hogwash. Most of it is fear. Starting a business is scary.
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Tat tat tat tat it up

Getting a tattoo is like getting and extra piece of your soul attached to your body. You should think about it like that because it forever. Well you can zap it off but that's not the point. A tat should be something personal. Something that represent a part of you that not many people should know. That's right wear soul on your skin.

I'm not ready for my tat yet. But I have an idea of what it will be. I feel bad cause I made a promise not to get a tat but things done changed and the dead don't mourn. My new life must be marked on me before the breast comes.
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Outkast was right

you need to get up, get out, and do something
You'll never make it if you never even try

But just because you are trying doesn't mean you'll win. That's the hard part. Sometimes you are just not allowed to do your brilliant idea. I mean legally. When you start to think about it though, this is the land of the free (America's slogan, right?) but not the free to do what you want without paying the man (yeah I know he is black now but he's still "top cop").

So if you get this ingenious idea to sell something, you first gotta pay for a license, pay for a place to sell, pay for marketing, damn near pay for protection. That's right, you're stepping into gang territory. That's what it feels like. I'm trying to make just some extra cash for myself but before I can do all that I have to pay so many people before I see a dime. That's capitalism folks. You pay rent to these bullies who stand behind a legal system and call it fair.

I'm moving to Brazil and living off the river.

my soul is a mess

when you begin transforming your life, you can feel like your soul is a mess. You know how people do soul searching, yeah well mine is a mess. There are just things that I believed deep down in my soul that aren't even true. So in the process of changing those things, life experiences get miss placed, dreams get misinterpreted, and your role in society is reassigned. All these things make up a soul or what I believe is the inner core of oneself.

So now, I have to clean up that mess. Put things where they should have been. Throw out the garbage that has plagued me from the beginning. I need to fung shway my soul.

Does someone know the number to extreme makeover?
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Eighth wonder

I find it interesting that my ideas and actions aren't being contested like they used to. If people eventually knew they would let me figure things out on my own then why all the harassment from the start? Nowadays I feel like I can do whatever I want and there is no better freedom than that. Now all I worry about is what will truly make me happy. I'm close to understanding what that is. The question now is whay is it going to be like getting there and how will it feel?
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life as a Sooner

that's right. I've changed locations to Norman, OK. Tornado country, Soonerville, Indian Reservations, and jaw-jacking white folk. I'm spending the summer here with my girlfriend. Glee! (like a little school boy). I'm in a impulse mood right now. I'm willing to try everything and anything until I get to where I need to be. Where that is I don't know but I know some things that I will need. $$$$That do-lo$$$$ So if you catch me selling salt to snail don't be surprised. Its better than selling illegal stuff (which is still crossing my mind. Why doesn't everybody sell illegal stuff if it makes so much money?). You know you've thought about it too!

Worst air ride ever

I already hate flying so its even worst when I have a bad flight. First of all you have to carry all your luggage that's awkwardly shaped and scratches your left thigh every time I take a step. Now for those with rollers screw you. You need the exercise anyway.
But the worst part of today flight was that the airplane did a marathon lap around the airport before taking off an hour late. So when I get to my layover I'm too late and have to take the next flight in three hours.
BULLOCKS!
I finally get on the plane and I'm delayed again because the engine needs air to start. What you say? That s right air. The molecule that surrounds us. Which also means there is not air inside the plane in ninety degree weather. Sounds like fun right?
But someone finally farts some air into the engine and we are on our way but wait there's more.
Some guy sitting behind me (he's white) decides to tell the extra friendly male flight attendant something that causes him to get all upset and demand an apology or else he'll kick him off the plane. Boy oh boy. To that the old white man reply, "Screw you."
*sigh* I love white people.
Now threatened the attendant calls for back up and we have to wait for the guy to apologize before the plane can leave. Aint that something. Worst air ride ever!


Except for that one time my brother decided to throw me off the porch.
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Swine flu is what your mama called you.

I'm not surprised that once again we have to be scared of something in america. Its like they found a strategy to distract us long to get away with some bull spit (the economy isn't fixed yet people. Recognize game!). Swine flu hasn't killed no more than seven people in the world. "the world Craig!" I see that they found the first person who spread the flu and its a kid. If the flu couldn't kill a kid then what the hell are we scared about? Its just a flu. If it was a disease then I could understand equating the word "pandemic" with this situation. But. Its. Just. A. Flu.
Does cnn really have to tell me to stay in bed if I catch the flu? Is there nothing else going on in the world that you have to advise me to drink more fluids? Something isn't right. I hope the dark ages do come soon cause we need to reevaluate what's important. Wake the eff up!
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i ain't asking to pass GO

i'm back "home" (a state of mind if you ask me), in ATL. Its only been a couple of days I feel like its I've already over stayed my welcome. Its time to go. A funny feeling came over me when I walked through the door on Sunday evening. It felt like disappointment. Go figure.

I was glad old Besty (aka green eyed bandit, my car) made it back home. I was on cruise control the whole way listening to Raheem Devaughn and pretending I was in a band. The whole time though I was worried that my tires would pop like last time or the squeaking noise from the brakes would be more than I thought. Every bump on the road made my heart beat harder.

After everything, the trip was great. Not that I did much but I learned a whole lot and that is what is important to me in these days. Its easier to apologize than to ask permission.

Now give me my $200!

on the road again

it was Sunday afternoon. I was talking to a friend but really just thinking about what am I going to do this week while unemployed and have nothing left to accomplish since my portfolio is done. I couldn't think of anything. Then I started to think about a new philosphy I recently heard thanks to my brother: Ask better questions.

You see in life we ask a lot of questions: what am supposed to be? what am I supposed to do next? how do I get that weasel out of my wall? But those questions always have the same answer (for the weasel you just call an exterminator). So ask a better question tommorrow and stick with the answer.

Back to Sunday. My better question is how am I going to figure out what motivates me? Because that's my main problem is lack of motivation. The answer to that question is doing things that I like. This envitably went to what do I like? Easy: music, travel, design, etc. So at about 3 pm on Sunday I told myself, I love to travel right? Mainly because I like to see new things. So why not do it. Right now. Carpe Deim. So with the help from my friend on the phone (thanks friend) and a friend in North Carolina who's about 6 hrs (thanks buddy), I packed a couple bags hopped in my car and bolted.

I'm in NC now. Chillin. No real strong plans just calling them how I see it. I've only been here for a day and I've seen more country then I've ever seen in my life. This is a good thing. Don't care for it but still a good thing.

right of passage

i've been thinking.

You know how every boy challenges his father at some point in their teens? When I become a father, I'm gonna challenge my son on his 13th birthday. I'm gonna take him to the woods, hand him a knife while I'm holding a rifle, and tell him this is the time when we find out how much of a man you want to be. Then start counting to ten.

I figure this will be a lasting memory when he decides to go against my wishes years later. And if he still decides to challenge me, we going back to the woods. This time he'll wake up to me counting to ten, along with a gun cock.

oh what a feeling.... to be young

last night i was socially raped by some women.

In an effort to stay young and keep my mind off the boredom of being unemployed, I checked out this new club that opened in the south side ATL. Its a decent enough club but nobody was really enjoying themselves (aka the girls weren't shaking their booties hard enough). So I'm making my selections of who I'm willing to get rejected by and stumble upon a group of older chicks. I'm dancing with one but she ain't bumping and grinding. She calling her other friends to come sandwich me. That's cool. Hey at one point I was surrounded by four good looking girls. That made me smile.

Then they turned on me. (cue in horror movie sound) So they start rubbing my hair and I'm thinking, whoa violation! I know its silky smooth but you crossing a line here. Then they start grabbing and then spanking! I started having flashbacks of being whooped in my younger years. And nobody was helping me. Usually when a dude is surrounded by more than one woman other dudes come to help out (its called counter-action). But no. I was being mauled by these women. I was being socially raped.

Lesson learned:
If you start off with rum don't switch to henny.

some people need this right now

Drake - So Far Gone

Classic.

I haven't bumped an album on repeat for so long now. This dude is laying down tight flows over dope beats. "Successful" is number one on repeat. It speaks so much for people that just want to make it in a dark tone. The bonus track is just cherry. In these days that question comes up all the time with the opposite sex. Dopest line is from "Say Whats Real": "Cuz I just see my ex-girl standing with my next girl standing with the girl that I'm fucking right now"

Download approval:
http://www.getrightmusic.com/2009/02/13/drake-so-far-gone/

xbox gamertag

"SURVIVE TO KILL"

shooting the sheeit.

i've been going to the courts when I get really bored and need to get out the house. Basically I shoot free throws and then from the top of the key. I think I'm getting better. I've focused my muscles during a shot and worked on my follow thru. My shot is getting nice. I feel like I'm getting ready for some tournament or something but not really. I've discovered I need to strengthen my lower back. It hurts like a mug after 20 shots.

another realization is that I've got a huge belly. Too many beers man. Now I gotta look at my big belly ass in the mirror every day. I wish I was just prego and it would go away in 9 months. No Homo! (if anyone knows how to lose a beer belly, let me know)

Lastly, Jimmy Fallon show, sucks! Sorry Roots Crew. You got put on a sinking ship. Dude is just not funny. The writers my just be horrible but his delivery is weak as well. I miss Conan. Hey! Where is Conan? When is he taking over?

great moments in history

can't help but think these days. I'm unemployed.

Is your life a collection of great moments or great moments in a collection of bad ones? The question is not that profound. Either way you know that all people have bad moments and great moments. But if you focus only on the great moments does being in a bad moment seem frivolous and unimportant? Life is just a bumpy road. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. Enjoy it all.

cabin fever

i've been trapped in my own home. Being at home for days upon days is something I never thought I would hate. I didn't go out everyday when I did have a job but just being out of the house was something I didn't realize was so important to my sanity. Even the simple act of buying fast food is something I miss. I don't hate cooking, I just like the ease of pre-cooked food.

I think I've never been so focused on my design before. This is the positive of my cooped up days. The shock of being unemployed is still wearing off but I'm definitely focused.

thanks for your patience

i love not being in customer service anymore. I don't have to kill 'em with kindness. I can just kill it.

If I design, or give advice to anyone in the future and I see that they don't appreciate it, I'm going to end the agreement or conversation immediately. I'm not wasting time anymore (unless it comes with a beer and a good movie). The only way I'll continue to listen to nonsense is if money has been fronted to me to do a job. No dollo no mojo.

I hate the salesmen type. They have nothing but their words. Even what they offer isn't theirs, but they feel that they can barter with it. Get the f*ck outta here with that. I've just learned a valuable lesson: I have a price.

Joy! (geeked like a little school girl)

And its all about the principle. There's princibalities in this.

first date feelings

when Adam and Eve shared that apple together, I think that was their first date. I know that whole event has a negative feeling because it took them from paradise and separated the human race from God but think about it at love's stand point. When Adam took the bite it was like he was saying, "Girl, I'm with you to the end. Lets ride or die this bitch" (ebonically interpreted). And how could he resist? God made the most beautiful being on earth for him and he's supposed to say no to her? I don't think so. God set Adam up for a purpose. The Devil just used it as an advantage.

Side bar: why do we call it The Devil and not just Devil? We call God, God without "The". Think about it.

I just think that maybe we should celebrate that moment more often. What if at a wedding the couple takes a bite out of a apple at the same time to signify that we are taking a risk together in this life? And its not like the apple is the bad symbol. Its the fruit of knowledge from the tree of life (I think that's how it goes).

Message to future wife: we eating an apple after our vows. I'm starting a new trend.

gsmooth Radio presents First Date Feelings
Podcast coming soon.

music makes me high

I've created some podcasts. Having trouble making them mp3s but for now if you have itunes I believe you can listen to these.

gsmoothRadio.m4a
http://www.divshare.com/download/6399723-bb5

MidnightClouds.m4a
http://www.divshare.com/download/6399724-b9c

Last Words

See you at the top.

And that's where I plan to be.

its time for change

this year will be about change (Obama got niggas feeling it). The biggest change I hope to achieve is accepting who I am. I think the reason why I'm ever nervous or doubtful is that I imagine myself as someone else or I compare myself too much. I know who I am and what I like and don't like; its time I accept it and love it. Sure I'm a solo cat. But put me in any room and I can charm the hell out of it. I also wear glasses so I look less cool and too smart for most people (that's right, I am). My confidence is more arrogant than proud. My feeling is I'm the right guy at the right time. A great addition to any party. I'll add insight, intelligence, and enlightenment. I'm the guy that covers the details.

lost without you (c)Robin Thicke

it only took about an hour but I'm officially bored again
I gotta focus.
Not just on the amazing evenings of the past but the upcoming days of the future
the endless search of love is not in the discovery,
(Because no one ever unveils its true smile)
But in the endless search where love continues to remain.

all G, all the time

I've decided to wear glasses all the time. No more contacts. No more trying to fit the social norm. Next year I'm going to get a second pair of fashionable glasses and just start collecting. I'm going to the club in glasses, dates with glasses, accepting all awards with glasses.

I remember the first time I got glasses in seventh grade. I wasn't ashamed of them at first. I thought it made me look sophisticated and older. So when I walked into my homeroom with my fresh pair on and got laughed at by my friends I was more than surprised and embarrassed. But I had to wear them; I couldn't see. After a while it just became who I was. I loved wearing them with a suit on Sunday. I felt classy.

Now I'm older and I don't care what anybody thinks I look like. I know I look like a G. So that's who I'll be: all G, all the time.

we in a recession B!tch

i wondered how this recession business was going to effect me personally. I figured it wouldn't bother me that bad. I'm black. I know how to live on $6 per week. This will be easy. The biggest thing I've noticed is the price on products have gone up but gas is going down so it's evening out. What really hurts is the liquor tax. Makes me not want to drink anymore. That sounds like a good thing right.

i just hope that the plans I have for next year can get accomplished. My biggest fear is layoffs. My company plans to ditch 30,000 people. Not the right time to ask for a raise. Hopefully though by this time next year, my assets will be thick, my mercedes will be fly, and I will have realized my full potential in life.

A change goin' come (c)Sam Cooke

reflectionnnnn!!!!

aight so I stopped drinking for the month of december. Its like lent for me. Really though, i'm just want new years to be extra special drunk. Third dimension drunk. The problem is, being sober for a month is tough. Man I didn't realize how much I was relying on being drunk after work in order to feel free for just a moment through out me days. The hard part is the taste. Man can I taste a beer right now. But I've been holding strong. I feel an addiction is just a learned behavior. Its like learning how to drive or something. It becomes so innate, like you don't have to think about it. Think if you didn't drive anywhere for a month and just walked or biked. You'd miss the laziness. And really that is what drinking is all about for me, laziness. Whenever I come home and drink I feel good for 20 minutes and then fall asleep. That's the ultimate feeling of laziness. Damn codependency.

very simple

you set a goal and want nothing else. your ultimate goal maybe greater and much more significant but achievement of the primary goal is of the utmost importance.

I got 4. I'm feeling good.

ahhhh. *puts feet up*

i had a healthy day of nothing. No plans, no work, no stress. Just got up this morning, worked the shits out (drinking last night), watched dave chappelle season one, cooked, cleaned, cut my hair, and played video games. Yup. Today was a good day.

I say this because I joined a gym last week and have yet to step back into the bitch. My alarm clock is set, my schedule is made, but my heart is not in it. I don't know what got me motivated last time because right now, on my off days (which are few) I don't want to do nothing except zone out: enjoy what I like, take it easy, and don't worry about the usual stress of the day.

a knock knock and a ding dong

lately I've been getting strange people knocking at my door at strange hours: eight in the morning, nine at night; I don't know these people! So I stopped answering the door. I'm not expecting anybody, I don't know anybody, the people I talk to in Georgia have no idea where I live. I have roommates so at first I answered the door because it might be for them. Maybe a pizza man, maybe a female friend, maybe a package that I need to sign for; no more. If I'm not expecting something or someone I'm not getting up for random people. I don't care if they can hear my tv playing or see me through my window. I ain't getting up.

Unfortunately there is side effects. I feel like I'm trapping myself from the outside world. Like I'm purposely being unsocial. But what are the odds that some beautiful woman will open the door and offer free sex? Slim to none right? So its not me being unsocial, I just don't want to be bothered.

So stop ringing my doorbell, knocking on my door, trying to get me out of my couch. If you need me call me. Otherwise, I ain't your friendly neighborhood black man. Leave me alone.

pump... you up!/Obama Wins!

i joined a gym today. I feel like its just fat tax. Will I go for the three months I signed up for? Who knows. The only good thing is that I talked with a trainer (who tried to sell me protein shakes) and took a physical assessment. So I know where I am (out of shape) and I know where to go.

The amazing thing is that I have to eat five times a day and that my previous two times is dangerous. Five times?! That sounds like work. Eating has become my mood relaxer: one big meal then sleep like it'll be my last. Now I have a schedule of when I should snack and have a meal, what I should eat, how much; this is too much.

Once again the goal is to lose 20lbs of gut and thigh. I also need to lower sodium intake. The trainer showed me a chart that said I'm in a red level of heart attack risk. Well that's not good.

:::::OBAMA WINS:::::

Alright so history was made last night. I almost cried but I stiffened up quick. During the Barack's speech all I could do is squeeze and squeal because all I could think of is, "Please don't shoot him. Please. Not in front of the kids, his wife, and Oprah." I'm sorry. People have been telling me to stop saying that, stop joking about it but sadly history never changes people. They killed Lincoln, Kennedy, King, Malcom, Jesus. Anyone trying to do some good in this world has a early death sentence. So as excited as I am that times are changing in USA, I'm scared for Obama's life and his family. I don't think anybody should disagree with me.

But let's do this though. I'm talking to black people. Tighten up. Work hard. Make sure this period in your life is the best it can be. Because we have to make an overdue statement. The Civil Rights was the last time we made the world listen, now their ears are open. Lets tell them what we want and its not too far from what they want so it won't be hard for them to understand. In other words:

Black people don't f_ck this up!!

blissful ignant shit

i don't want to learn nothing new
i don't want to hear nothing new
i don't want to see nothing new

I just want that ol' time good stuff
That backyard, climbing trees stuff
That passing notes in the hallway stuff

i've learned what I could
and all I got was this lousy moment of life
for'git it. I just want some blissful ignant shit.

::::::::::

Just at this moment I'm feeling like maybe I just need to do something new: kickboxing, yoga, read a book, learn a instrument, etc. But then I think of all the frustration I'll have to go through to do stuff like that. First the money, then the time, then the focus; haven't I learned enough? I'm just looking for a distraction from work while I figure out how to get out of the bloody thing. But learning something new would just add more frustration. Why can't what I already know be enough?

making it to work

if you wanna know how I'm feeling
just take a look at how i stand
when I'm slouched to the front I'm unhappy
when my chest is sticking out I'm a man
each day is a different exact day of the first
you know what I'm talking about while sitting in traffic
i wish a meteor would crash down in front of me
so I could say something interesting just happened
like how i saved Susie from being crushed by a tree
while ducking hot flaming rocks and squeezing between cars
only to still make it work on time for the meeting
pour me some coffee, grab me a cookie from the cookie jars
i just wanna know that something else is going to happen today
so while I'm sitting at my desk filing these papers
and Bob from account comes over asking about expense reports
I can say, "Later! I've got to sharpen these knives and kill the ninja in the elevator."

i'm a ninja bitch!

I miss my xbox.

unfit world

So I take a test for a promotion. Its a personality assessment, you know: what would people say about you, what's your strongest attribute, how well do you work with people. In the end of a 105 question assessment i get the message that I'm unfit for the position. WTF? I'm unfit for my jeans cuz i drink too much but unfit for the job that I'm already doing on top of the other jobs I have to do because the brand spanking new employees have no idea what to do, makes no sense to me.

I can't tell you how frustrated and disappointed I am. I was honest and that's what failed me. Had I lied and chose the best answer for every question I'd make more money right now but because I wanted to see what honesty would bring me; I failed. I guess corporate thinks that if I don't think that I am the highest and best person they can hire they won't bother hiring me. Being human doesn't matter.

I can't help but think that this is just another sign that I don't deserve this crap. I need to do this career thing on my own. Answer to nobody. Kiss no ass. Fuck the man. I just gotta save up enough to do that.

morning tea

i grew up on tea. Moms first introduce me to coffee when I was seven years old. Thinking back now she was crazy. She had me running around with all this caffeine at such a young age. No wonder why I wasn't as big as my brothers. Then she started buying tea, Lipton tea (which to this day, as I type I'm still drink). My favorite thing about tea in the morning is the phrase my mom used to say every winter, "here drink some tea so you can heat your core." This is roughly translated from the kreole phrase, "shofay coh". I can't spell in kreole either. But every time I drink tea I think about how the liquids heat up my insides.

I've grown to love other teas as well but nothing brings me back to home then lipton tea. That and hot chocolate. That's all I will drink for christmas.

dreaming...

i've been having paralysis type dreams (when you are frozen still: can't move, can't speak, and everything seems real even the people in your dream). The last two out of three nights I've been stuck in my dreams, literally. Ever since that study I went to in college about sleep paralysis and how common it is in Caribbean folk, I've had these dreams more and more. I don't like it. I'm the type of dreamer that has total control. I fly in my dreams, dream myself out of dreams, control other people in dreams. I can't be paralyzed in my dream while someone antagonizes me. Its not a good feeling. Could these dreams mean I'm losing control of my own life?

Damn it to heck!

trustworthy?!

so you ask me to trust you but you give me no reason. Then you say, you trust me so I should trust you. That's the exact reason why I don't trust you: you put your trust in someone that has trust issues. I perform to the best of my ability but I know i'm bound for mistake. And when that happens you start to mistrust me. Should have never trusted me in the first place.

untrustworthy.

*points at you with a stinky face*

i'm going back to not caring about work. Life was better than. I got more important things to worry about than will I get a talking to for not getting my referrals today. The problem is whether or not I get my referrals I will get a talking to, so who gives a damn!

More important things are getting some new clients for logos. Its free for now but soon I'm coming after all the pennies in your piggy bank. Its time people. The man has had too many of my sweat and tears. I'm gonna get mine. Yessur!

i want my swagger back

its my birthday!!! so of course I'm looking at old pictures and reminiscing about the good times, bad times, oh and I'm drunk off my mind and can't figure out why I'm cold times.

So while questing through my history, I feel a sense of something lacking from my life currently. My swagger. Who stole it? I want it back and I want it back now!

Since it is 4 am eastern standard time I have to be truthful and honest. I know what took my swagger: work, alcohol, and the love of life. Alright I know how to deal with the first two, but the latter...

How can something so good for me be so wrong? Wanting and desiring more from life should be my sole motivation to keep my swagger up but sadly and with a lot of disappointments, life has stolen my swagger.

I wish life would let me borrow my swagger for one moment.



Oh and a stripper gave me this scripture the other day. John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Only in Atlanta.

when everything is done and said

weekends off consist of me making up do it yourself projects in order to make daily accomplishments. I've had this feeling lately at work, after realizing that I hate it so much, that I don't do enough when I'm not at work to really complain that I shouldn't be in the confined space. So these projects consist of gardening, building a shelf, painting my bathroom and bedroom with full insignia, cleaning the garbage disposal, organizing, and giving myself a haircut. All of that boiled down to 5 hours on Saturday morning.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!!!

So I watch movies a lot. I've especially enjoyed my netflix and the tv series that i rent. Its like I'm watching tv but not watching tv cuz there is no commercials and other crap to distract me like waiting a week for the next episode (hey birthday ideas here people pay attention). And of course when i get really bored. I create my own videos. That's why we are blogging today folks.

cheeba, cheeba yall

a moment of silence

yesterday I had an argument with a customer about such and such transaction. She felt that I didn't do the transaction the right way (her way) and was angry that I didn't want to do it over again. So the usual happens, "Let me speak to your manager." And the managers weren't there. No. First she asks me if I was the manager and I smiled and said no (pissed her off). So we do the back and forth and I'm keeping my composure (she's standing and I'm sitting down leaning against the desk with my hand supporting my head). She asks who the manager is and I tell her and then...

Silence.

Well it started as a pause, then a silence, then anticipation, then anxiety, then the staring game. It was the strangest feeling because that all came on me in a matter of seconds and when I realized the staring game started all I could think of is, "I wonder if there is something funny I could do at this moment."

You know how dogs show their teeth in a staring contest to show who is the alpha? I wish I could do that. Next time I'll hit them with the sit up straight, fold hands together, look straight into their eyes, and slowly turn my head sideways while opening my eyes (just like in the movies).

These people don't get it. Its just a job.

its not gucci...

its just me. And I've got my own gucci pattern. Let me know what you think as always.

I'm broke. I haven't been broke in a while. usually I've got this nice cushion to sit on that I do a good job of not touching except for emergencies but this week, I'm broke. They changed my payroll to bi-weekly, so that first week I'm cruising.

"yeh put it on my card, no worries. I just got a raise." The start of the second week and I'm down to my last dollars. I'll admit it, I got a little excited and decided to treat myself to things. But I never thought I would be this broke. Oh well. It just means its time to budget my expenses.

Cuz its all about the "dolla dolla bills yall." Wu-Tang had it right, C.R.E.A.M. In the U.S. that's all life is really about but they make it to seem like something. As if you really can just follow a dream and everything will fall into place and you'll be making enough money to buy a home and have 2.5 kids. Just follow your dreams little man. Forget that nonsense! Its all about making money in order to follow your dreams. You can't just be an artist anymore. You gotta have marketing in order to make a living or you are just that guy in the neighborhood that can do thangs.

Word of advice, "Get Money." Then worry about your dreams and accomplishments later. All the gangsta rappers are doing it.

organization

soooo.... I've been doing some organizing and I've decided to put my current work on Flickr. Right now its just logos and sketches but hey its a start. I don't think I'm ready for a full on website. Well the truth is I can never bring myself to finish one. Every time I think I have the look I need I think of a new one. So I'm using other sites to a least show what I can do.

check me out
Flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gmilard

Craigslist
http://atlanta.craigslist.org/crs/775281409.html

if anyone is looking for a good logo, hit me up.

BUT THIS IS A BLOG FOLKS. Back to blogging and not a promotional advertisement.

I painted my room red. You think I might go crazy over it. I keep thinking that I will imagine the color to be blood and become a serial killer in my sleep. No, you don't think so? I've yet to finish, so I've yet to sleep in it. Why I chose red in the first place? Its the color of passion, life, alertness. I want it to motivate me. I'm going to buy a shelving unit to put up all the work I haven't finished. That way, every morning I'll wake up to my work and hope to think about it more often. Cuz right now its in a corner of my dining area collecting dust and its an eye sore. Its my own work, isn't it ironic that its become an eye sore.

Fiber up. (yeah i said it, I needs my fiber to stay regular)

my conditioning has been conditioned

i like lightbrites. I know. I feel bad. I'm a rather pro black brother but when it comes to the ladies nothing turns my head like the light skin sista. And its strange cuz you might think that I probably like white girls too but I don't. I don't even notice them. Even the top models don't interest me. But when I see a lightbrite enter the room with them pretty eyes and smile, I get happy. I'm not hating on you dark to caramel skin sistas cuz I got love for all my black women, but something about the light skin. I guess I feel like I'm the field slave dreaming of getting with master's house slave. You know the one.

all there is left to do is pray

you heard it before. Drop to your knees in reverence to the Lord pray through the difficult times. A lot of people believe in prayer. Well add me to the list. To be honest, I don't pray that much, nor do I go to church. I've been having issues with the idea and the experiences of church. There is a sense of hopelessness and surrender. They even say surrender to the Lord. But I'm not one to give up so easily. I understand what is being said: putting your trust in the almighty rather than your own ideas or other humans; but I don't like the wording. I'm a competitive person so I like to think that I will always give it my all even if I lose. So let me not surrender to the Lord but ask him to be by my side as I face the many demons of this world. Like, if I was on the battlefield and the enemy has catapults, arrows, and gigantic beasts (for some reason my life battle is set in medeville days) but I have a sword that glows bright from God's wrath and with one blow I destroy a whole army. That's how I want to feel in church. My real issue is probably that I haven't found the right church.

Prayer is very important. Not for the mysterious power of miracles that people believe it possess but because it allows us to believe in ourselves. If you pray continuously for something, speak it to yourself over and over again; you have no reason not to believe. Its simple human nature actually. Think about it. What is the color blue? Its the color that your parents first told you the name of, then your teachers told you the same thing, then your peers agreed with them, so you begin to begin to believe the color is blue. Why, because you heard it over and over again.

So people lets pray. Let's pray to believe in ourselves; believe in good things happening; believe that this is the good life. With that I believe that I will be a great graphic designer. Check my page on Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/54552805@N00/sets/72157606443318136/

i've been told to love hip-hop

i've been asking mad questions lately about hip-hop and whether or not its worth listening to. My conclusion is I'm getting old. Hip-hop has always been about the young people. It is the voice for the youngins and new generation. I remember my hip-hop: the running man, vanilla ice, tmnt the movie, then I grew up with Blackstar, The Roots, Common. All the kids now that love the souljah boi, young bootsie, lil wayne will soon grow up and learn to listen to something more than funky dance music. So in essence, no one has to tell me to love hip-hop. I've been in love with hip-hop. Just because my hip-hop is not the same as yours doesn't mean we have to hate each other. I just love her for different reasons.

home again

brockton is my home and where I learned that... well I didn't learn much except 1+2=3 and i'm still iffy about that. But home is where I need to be at right now. Life in the A isn't all that its cracked out to be. I need a break. Being with fam and people that not only accept me for who I am but know who I am will be comforting. I want to make sure that I'm completely clear about life when I go back. Basically I want to show off: new clothes, new shoes, new attitude. People ask me about life in the A and i'm all about it being "nice!"

"And I don't need no hook for the shiiit!!!" (c) Jay-Z

chicken alfredo, 40hrs, lingerie party

i made chicken alfredo yesterday and it was scrumdumideahlicious. I think I'm getting better with cooking until someone asks me, "How's your cooking?" I can happily say, "No one's thrown up yet." And its always those people that have parents and grandparents that are licensed chefs and can cook their ass off. I feel like you just want to laugh at me when I say I steamed vegetables today. Don't be an asshole.

I've started working 40 hrs a week. Aaaarrrggghhhhhh!!!! The days are so long. I freaking live at work. Plus I hate most of the people at work for giving me such a hard time on how I talk. So I shut up. Then they say, "What's wrong? You're not talking." YOUUUU BITCH! YOUUU. I'm slowly learning that none of this is worth it. Now to figure out what is worth it.

A lingerie party. I just want to be a fly on the wall. It sounds sexy as hell. That's all.

And yall may not want to believe me but believe me its true.

a love/hate relationship

runners on your mark. Get set. Get out of bed and go running. So I've been running four mornings a week since March. I've gotten faster, stronger, and I go to sleep at 10:30 pm. Nothing else sums up the feeling of this part of my day then the new balance commercial: Love/Hate. I've been dying to get a pair of their shoes ever since I seen it. Its simple and describes everything I feel. Even the red is the exact color I feel while jogging 3 miles. The best thing that has happened is when I started sprinting. Boy I tell you I couldn't finish 3 laps before sprinting. My calves and shins were burning. My lungs were about to explode. Then I started sprinting. When you feel real pain from sprinting everything else is nothing. Now I can lap 3 with ease, sprint 3 and lap again 2 times. Its wonderful.

Now here is the terrible part. I'm outside and I love running outside rather than in the gym because of the constant change of scenery, the ease of running in front of my house and not get in my car to go work out, and it just feels natural. Just me and the road. But because I'm outside there are bugs. Bugs that crawl by your feet, fly into your eyes, your mouth. I just don't understand how there is more than 500 sq. ft. in the area, I take up about 2 sq ft. and a fly takes up .15 sq ft. How the hell does a bug find me and my nose to fly into. It doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping to continue running through the summer so that by my birthday I will have officially brought sexy back. I've lost 5 lbs so far. Not much but I'm only looking to lose about 15. Hopefully that will trim my gut.

assessment

Alright, lets re-assess what I've been doing. I'm "working on my portfolio" means I'm working on getting off the couch and concepting new things. I admit it, it should be done by now. I have no excuse. Bear with me ya'll.

I run 3 miles every morning on the street in front of my house (unless it rains, like today; its a love hate relationship). I also participated in my first walk for something (march of dimes). It was grueling. Atlanta is definitely not a walking city. There was no feeling of neighborhoods and friendly patrons. Just business building after building after highway after abandoned house and one big empty park. I miss Boston summers. I've also changed my eating habits. That means less fast foods and yes I have been eating corn (c) Friday (when Smokey was taking a dump and Eazell caught him).

I'm bitter while going to church. Yeh I'm back at a baptist church and I thought I might find a church buddy from work but I haven't heard from her since the first time we went. I'm bitter because I thought I'd be in a better position right now. I definitely thought I would have more money; based on childhood expectations and recent plans (both are disappointing me). So I'm wondering what the next move is.

I'm going to work now. You can see a youtube video about how I feel about that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ-VONi7ei0
Yeh nuff said.

get busy

Yeh The Legendary Roots Crew is back with Rising Down. I am waiting for the album in the mail like a kid on christmas eve. Meanwhile enjoy the videos.

discipline

that's what life is about. All the times your parents set rules and punishments for you, it was all about discipline. You can't keep your job without it. You don't survive most relationships without it. So that's what I have to learn. I already know about work and social discipline but the hardest challenge is self-discipline. Getting up in the morning to run a mile around the neighborhood, shutting the television off and doing something productive, that's the hardest part.

And I think there is a difference between discipline and self deprecation. When you deprive yourself of certain things you are not in control of the desire, you are just torturing yourself. We all have things we want to do and have the right to do them but we must learn how much we can do these things in a given time. Its not wrong to do anything in this world (except for murder and adultery) so we should be afraid of doing what we want to do. We just have to know when to stop. That may be the hardest thing to learn especially in this world where we see everybody else living lives the way we want to but we have no idea how to do it. Well my friends even the most carefree rich guy has discipline. You may not even have to work hard to get what you want. Just discipline and consistency. That's all it takes.

daylight savings is %$&#ing up my high

I've been tired
I've been sleepy
I've been crouch in my bed from cold of the night

I've been creepy
I've been cranky
I've been fighting with all the peoples cuz something just ain't right

Cuz daylight savings is f_king up my high
Daylight savings, I'm missing an hour of my life
Daylight savings is f_king up my high
Daylight savings got me tired and I don't know why

Sunday Afternoon

I can not stop laughing.

remember that time?

There was a time where I had never touched a cup of liquor. When my comrades and I would sip the little drops of beer left over from my uncle's bottle and grimace from the bitter taste. There were times when people would ask me if I did drugs or alcohol and I would flatly refuse. There were times when I would taste a mix drink and wonder why the hell anyone would take another sip of this burning liquid of engine oil?

Then began the times of when I would feel the sensation of complete irresponsibility. A time where all of my actions could be dismissed in front of any judge and jury. The times when giggling was the only way I could breath for a half hour. The times when I would reach a second dimension and meet my other self who would rebuke me for my intoxication. The times that are most memorable because I don't remember any of it.

Another time is upon us. A time of fellowship. A time of intellectual stimulation. A time of instinctual communication with hormonal sexes.

Dudes Night Out. Part 2
Atlanta, GA

starving artist

i wonder if I have the gonads to be a starving artist. I don't want to be. I want to make art for me, for fun, to release my creative juices. I use it as an escape from this stressful, 9 to 5, alcoholic world.

Lately I've been creating for money and it doesn't feel good. What really feels bad is that I'm not getting any money for it. I'm spending money to create a portfolio that will get me a job that will pay my bills from trying to get a job. Nah that's not what art and creativity is about. I don't mind getting paid for it and I'm by no means one of those crazy artsy people that are too good to make money. I just don't want to create with that kind of pressure. If I have to make money, fine I'll get a job, but when I want to express something I feel I'm not doing it for fame or money. Its for the feeling of release, freedom, voice.

As an artist, you can't stop me from saying what I want to say and that's the beauty of it. America says that there is freedom of speech but we all know that's a bunch of malarkey. Because as soon as I do something they don't like I have the right to remain silent, anything I say can and will be used against me. But under the label of an artist, I can say fck 'em.

I don't want to starve doing art and I don't want my art to starve. I just want to do art and accept donations.

art is sacrifice

so my last video I Am Black History is a salute to Black History Month. I thought of it the last day of February while watching The Roots new video "75 Bars Black's Reconstruction" (its dope, the movie begins). I was trying my best with these old sharpies to write on my skin. One of the pens all of a sudden blow up with out me knowing. My bed gets inked up, ink is all over the pen, I'm thinking damn. I get another pen and finish writing on my self then I walk over to my macbook and ink is splatter all over. This ish is permanent. I got black ink blots on a white macbook. I try to rub it off but no go. The computer still works fine so I leave it alone. Hopefully I'll get used to it soon. All I know I will always remember this video: the day I made a sacrifice for art.

75 Bars Black's Reconstruction by The Roots is the greatest video so far this year. Of course it got me to thinking: man Thought is really using the "N-word" - naked. No I mean nigger. With all the recent backlash for black people still using the word and is it offensive? Most black people that use it say, "we're just turning something bad into something good." I never agreed with that. I understand it but it always felt like a week argument. It's like a girl who was raped and then becomes a pornstar as an adult, it doesn't make it any better.

But The Roots new song gave the word power. I am a nigger. I might be all the niggers he says in the songs or all the nigger stereotypes you know about. No matter what you think, people are scared of niggers (not just whites). Is fear power? No, but power is greater with fear.

And then niggers call each other niggas but white folk can't say it, why? Because its a way to express a nigger's power, "I dare you to call me nigger. I know you made it up, and we use it with each other but if you dare use it in front of me you catching a whooping. That's the kind of power I have." This might not make any sense but when is that ever important when dealing with power (eh hem, cough*Bush*cough).

for the coup des grande sauce

The Boondocks. I love it I love it I love it.

the fam ain't eating cheddar biscuts

what part of the game is that?

I needs my cheddar.

nowhamsayin?

riley's that dude

I'd move. I'm just saying. It's pee.

lets recap

I'm 24, college graduate, in Atlanta, working for the man, writing novels and screenplays.

Where do I want to be in five years?
Married, an author, respected creative, possible comedian, and recovering alcoholic.

I think I can make it happen.

Lately I've wondered whether or not I have a dream. You know what they say about people without dreams: they're worthless (I'm paraphrasing). But people have these dreams to be doctors, lawyers, actors, rich. I realize I have no dream job. I enjoy a lot of things and I'm a hard working man so nothing is too hard for me to do. To me I don't think it matters what job I have. As long as I can provide for a wife and kids I'll be happy.

My dream is to be able to provide for a family.

That doesn't satisfy you. That's fine. Its my dream. I'll get there however I need to.

crack music

i guess writing when you don't feel like writing is a good way to write. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to think about anything. But how can I stop myself from thinking. Especially when lately there is not a lot of people to talk to. I'm just trying to fill the quota for the month here. Nothing special will come of this.

Here's one thing I've thought about: music is way to easy to get with this internet thing. I never get a chance to listen to an album for a month straight. Everyday I download something and it's never a whole album but what artist makes a whole album anymore. Nowadays its all about the singles. But I remember back in the day I would put in a cd on repeat for six hours straight while doing homework or something for a whole month before I would decide to change it. Now with a library of music, I never listen to an album for more than two weeks. Of course I go back to the classics (Aquemini is the greatest album of all time), but new music never gets a listen to. This sucks because there are certain songs on an album from your favorite that you don't get the first couple of times and need to listen to it for a month straight to realize how good it is but you don't because you got a new album to listen to. And what I hate especially, my favorite artists that I still support by buying the album end not getting heard but I feel okay because I still supported. Its like crack, I'm looking for that first initial high from the first album.

I don't know what to make of the music these days, that's why I find myself listen to grown folk music. Can you imagine one day I will have to explain to my grandkids who Michael Jackson is or was? The king of pop. Weird, right?

crazy nights, scary days

the other day I woke up stressed. What's up with that? It was the strangest feeling. All night I was tossing and turning almost fighting myself in my sleep. Then I woke up and I felt as if I had a million and one things to do and not enough time to do it, just stressed. I wonder whats really going on with me. My dreams have become more vivid and strange lately. The other night I dreamed I saved a crackhead's baby from internally bleeding and Whoopi Goldberg was a bartender telling me I did a good job. I don't really like interpreting dreams but I get scared when they get so detailed. Cause I have de-ja-vu often and I believe its from my dreams.

During the day, everything is so routine. I feel like I need something different but I don't know if I'm ready. Just cause you wish for something don't mean you ready. And when you get something you never feel like you're ready. But all in due time, right? The only thing I know about this crazy life is that I don't know anything about this crazy life. These words have been stated over and over again but who still feels the same way, this guy.

happy MLK day

the animal personality test

You're a beaver. Beavers tend to be intellectually busy, always questioning why things are the way they are, and how stuff works. You think logically, and tend to be less emotional. You may be very organized, putting things where you know you'll be able to find them later, or use an "inner filing system" to record experiences. Beavers like to take things apart... and take people apart as well, making them some of the toughest critics. They set high standards for others, and themselves.

In relationships, beavers are advised to avoid the spontaneous, risk taking otter. They don't always understand each other very well. Instead, they are advised to pair up with a laid back Golden Retriever or an adventurous Lion.

AND IF I WERE AN INDIAN...

Your Native American Name Is...

Ahote Kotori Your name means: Restless Screech Owl Spirit

What's Your Native American Name?

why i'll never be white

*disclaimer: I have no ill will toward white people. I am an equal opportunity racists. I hate all kinds of people, even niggers (yes ni-ggers). I just realize why I can't be one of those negros that white people accept into their groups (Oreos).

I can never be white because I circle black on applications.
I can never be white because the law says I'm black.
I can never be white because the police pull me over and ask me, "Do you know where you're going?"

I can never be white because the sun doesn't bruise my skin.
I can never be white because I can't swim very well.
I can never be white because I need lotion to keep me black (I get real ashy).

I can never be white because "Oh my Gawd, Beckyyyy" doesn't come out of my mouth.
I can never be white because I can't speak proper English.
I can never be white because I speak multiple languages that aren't in their dictionary.

I can never be white because I can't wear a t-shirt without an undershirt.
I can never be white because I never wear sandals outside my house.
I can never be white because my jeans need to have room in them.

I can never be white because I'm taught to spend not save.
I can never be white because a Mercedes Benz S-class is something on TV and not in the driveway.
I can never be white because I can go to sleep hungry.

I can never be white because God made me who I am and I'm a black man.

its the profressor

that's what they call me at work now. I don't know if I like it yet. I know I mess around saying I'm old but to call me a professor is admitting to it (not ready for that yet). I ain't even the oldest or know more in the job but I guess I be giving assignments to this people. Nah mean.

Another thing they do is call me bossy. I don't see how. Just because I ask you to do something in a form of a statement and not question does not mean I'm bossy. It has to be done whatever I say right, so why ask. What really gets people is when I tell them what I'm going to do without asking if I can do it. Listen people if I say I'm going to do something and you don't want me to do it, you better have a valid reason why I shouldn't do it or I'm going to do it anyway. And if you don't want me to do it you can tell me not to, my word is not final (yet). But I do what I do and want to do because I dare you to stop me. I demand this life to be lived.

Stop hating and get money my nig!

new years eve

Its the last day of the year 2007 and I've been drinking since last week. Welcome 2008.

Quotes of the Year 2007

January 2007
To all of those that are weak, unreliable, and no hope for the future I say throw them to the lions (which consists of a bunch of alley cats, but they got rabbies).

Basically, life isn't some precious thing that we all need to savor and try to make extra long. Live it! or kill yourself.

Februray 2007
I'm a lazy cotton picker.

March 2007
if that b**** don't get out of my spot on the couch, she gonna catch a elbow to her left temple.

You would be a horrible hobo.

April 2007
She can get it with a ladder.

... you stopped playing imaginary x-men in the backyard and started kissing Slutty Sherry down the street.

please look at this as the creative juice that flows through my veins (prolly tastes like red kool aid).

Liquor is me, liquor I be
Fun with liquor, I love liquor and me

May 2007
Take out the bazooka on his ass. Boom! Destroy everything: the path, the enemy, even a piece of yourself. When the ashes fall and the smoke lifts, look at the new ground in front of you and create your new road.

July 2007
The beautiful design/experiment/accident/confused state of mind.

nuff said.

August 2007
If growing up was hard, being grown is even harder.

a catch 22. Damn if I don't, damn if I can't get a moment of peace.

September 2007
when there is nothing left to say, smack a muthaf_ker in the face.

October 2007
Black people should kill niggas

November 2007
Does shit stink?

December 2007
I'm sorry for your lost ma'am. Have some peppermint tea.

normal guy

nuff said.

untitled poem

a precious thought becomes of us
together under the peeled sun
pressed against the skin of our gala
we are seeds that need love poured on our souls
so we... can feed the nation

death among us

so lately I've noticed a trend. And yes I have a late pass for it. Skulls, especially in hip-hop. Everything is either a skull or in the shape of a skull. I saw the other day a tshirt with colorful monkeys that formed a skull. Seems like every rapper has a skull tattoo or chain. I'm just wondering why is there so much reference to death in this genre. Is it just this genre or is every designer fixated on death.

I thing as people we always focus on death but I just haven't seen it in everyday clothing as much as I see it now. I don't know. Maybe when all my questions get answered this skull phenomenon will have been a sign.

Speaking of death, I think I figured out what I will do with my life if things don't go well in this design biz: funeral director. Think about it if I own a funeral parlor, I'm guaranteed to get paid because everybody dies. That is the one thing you can always depend on. Plus there is no big advertising, just great real estate. Put a parlor in the hood and I'm bound to get business. I'd even hook up the flower arrangements real gangsta like. I just gotta practice on my deeply sincere voice, "I'm sorry for your lost ma'am. Have some peppermint tea."

jesus, I had a dream

i have a lot of dreams but last night's dream seem to mean something. Now I'm not one to think much about dreams because I just believe they are wish fulfillments. Because if we could really dream the future or interpret the future than why aren't half of us psychics by now? Plus anything that I have dreamed before has never come true. I've had some dejavu which I believe were from my dreams but nothing that effected my life.

Anywho, let me get to the dream Jesus. At first I was watching these broke women who I swear were one of my customers at work. But one of them looked homeless and she had a black trash bag full of stuff. She started walking with this bag and quickly got out of my sight.

So then I started walking. While traversing down a street that resembled a street behind my house in Brockton, I noticed a dollar on the ground. I picked it up. I walked a few more feet and saw another dollar. Then I noticed it was a trail of dollars. I started picking them all up. Some were fives, one was a hundred. I was thinking at first this was my lucky day. But then I was thinking is this a setup. Is all this money really that homeless lady's money and she was leading to a trap.

All of a sudden I looked up and there were other people picking up the money. I didn't want to be greedy so I didn't say anything but continued to pick up the money that was around me. I wasn't trying to beat people to every dollar because I felt like this was everyone's to share.

That's it, Jesus. I'm trying to make sense of it. Initial reaction, ya boy about to fall into some money. Great! Maybe a raise, maybe win the lotto (i should play the lotto), maybe a business adventure. I think it might be about business. Because when other people in the dream started getting money I was willing to share. They weren't my partners, more like competition but I felt like everybody could get a piece.

But then I thought, money? Really? Is it that simple? Dreams never are. What if the money represents something else? What if I'm just going to gain something, an emotion, a friend? But I also have to share this thing. What else can you gain and share at the same time, Jesus?

I don't know. Maybe it's time to get back to church.

looking for new music

I stumbled on Mishal Moore. I know its cliche now to discover good music on youtube or myspace but she sounds so soulful. Can't help it. Check her out http://www.myspace.com/mishalmmoore

G are with me?!

I don't know why I feel like writing today. You know I have work to do right? Anywho, feelings right now are all confused (what's new right). I think it's cuz I only have two weeks left of school, that means crunch time. Means all those days I took a break for too long is going to equal many nights of coffee and 3 am hallucinations. Its fun when your eyes start to roll back into your head and you catch yourself like you're actually going to beat the sleepyiness. Or better yet, when you can't seem to stop cuz the red bull got your heart pumping three times faster than it should be and you're scared if you stop it will explode. Its like the ticking bomb on the movie speed, if you drop below 55 wpm its over.

I feel content for y'all that don't know. I'm proud of myself (pat on the back). I've been away from family and dealing with bills and responsibility for over 2 years now and there hasn't been a problem yet. Man, if I was honest with y'all I didn't think I would have made it that day I left my mom's house. I think I had more fear than she did. I didn't expect her to cry that day, but it almost made me feel like I was headed in the right direction. That sounds horrible but I knew I was very dependable on my parents and in order for me to grow I had to leave. Cliche I know, but if I didn't leave I could never be proud of myself. But more is to come and I hope and pray that I can continue to be proud of myself. There's a lot to learn out here. God if you with me, let's do this!

damn girl you got baggage

aint' nothing worst than meeting a girl and you find out she got kids. Like damn a niggga beat me to the punch. Not that I want to be the babydaddy but yeah I wanted to hit that. But now she got baggage including a living being that will never know what a stable fable is. Not to say that there are not a lot of single mothers that raise proud doctors and lawyers but lets be real that few a far between. Its already hard enough for the black man.

But that's just one thing I don't like about the ATL. Women got kids. What am i going to do with your kids? I'm a kid myself. You'll end raising to of 'em. And then the babymommas have a tendency to look at you like, if you were a real man the kids wouldn't matter. Because I'm a man I know not to mess with kids. Girl you on your own with that one.

I don't get it ATL do we not know about condoms down here or are you just doing it way too much. Find another hobby.

Does shit stink?

Think about it. Is it the actual smell that is bothersome or is it the fact that we have been trained to recognize that smell as something awful. We all know that feces can become a problem with diseases and infection so have we as human beings just made a correlation with the smell with something to avoid.

Shit doesn't really stink. Animals smell their own shit and other animals shit in order to identify territory. If the basic human being is an animal than obviously shit doesn't stink. It is just that we categorize the shit smell as bad at an earlier age so now as adults every time we recognize the smell we immediately say, damn that stinks.

what's wrong?

shit you tell me.

You mean I'll never get to see you again.

with the way its going I'm guessing so.

Well what am I supposed to say to that?

i don't know.

Where do we go from here?

are separate ways hopefully.

That's it, separate ways? You're so full of it.

am I?

Shut up. If I never see you again then that's fine. Get the fuck out.

you don't need to be harsh.

You stole my heart.

i'll have it back to you by Friday.

Whatever. Are we done here?

you see me leaving don't you?

That's right, get the fuck out and never come back again. Ignorant fuck.

you just can't get enough of this can you?

Enough of what?

the drama.

Oh I'm all about the drama! You want to see drama?! Drama this bitch!

*shotgun BLAWH!*****