awkward...

I'm tired of being awkward. At least that is the only way i can describe myself. Somehow everybody sees me as different. Even when I try to be like them and please them, they say it is strange. I've been dealing with this all my life and it's getting annoying.

I thought I figured it out a few years ago: just be yourself. Yeah that is the first major problem. When I'm being myself that's when I get the most annoying comments. As if I'm ruining their day for being myself. Makes no sense.

home alone

I don't understand my fiance's way of thinking. She's expressed her concerns many times that she spends a lot of time home alone. She has a right too. I work retail hours therefore I have a constantly changing schedule that doesn't allow me to be home at a decent hour. I try my best on my days off or when I get to go home early to spend time with her when she gets home from work. But now I'm sitting at home alone because she has other plans with her friends.

I've addressed her about this topic a little bit and her only answer is, "well you do it to me. Now you know how I feel." Does that really make things better? It's even coming to the point now when I've worked late nights and come home around 10pm, she's not there and it was her day off from work. Makes no sense to me. I know on my day off, I'm preparing a meal, cleaning the house, relaxing and getting myself ready to see my boo. On her days off, she is running around town and barely making it home the same time I do to start to cook dinner.

I know what some of you are thinking, I'm one of those men who wants his woman home all the time cooking and slaving for me. But if you have just read what I wrote, I feel like I'm justified at thinking that I'm getting the raw end of this deal. I understand that she has been at home alone a lot more than me. I even enjoy some time alone and she doesn't. But it doesn't mean that I don't want to be with my woman at night.

One Rhyme to Live

I just want to bust a sixteen
And make you feel like when I was sixteen
Happy busting nuts and thinking of all my dreams
Like how me and my boys would be living in the big city
Driving fancy cars and fucking hoes with big titties
But now we on a different route, real life: its a real bout
We goin' battle motherfuckas in the club, just to find the way out
Its real nigga shit, no metaphors or similies
Its all about the basement, Brockton has our loyalties

Chorus:
I got one rhyme to live, one verse to show you who I is
One beat to show you niggas that I'm a be the shit
I put this song together so you never forget
This life is not a movie and I'm a always live it

Sigh...

I really want to do everything that I enjoy professionally. I want to be a comedian/actor who raps, and draws his own comic book. Its not enough that I just create these things, I want to be famous for all those things. For now I would accept just being famous in my city.

My biggest problem of course is fear. I fear it would be a waist of time. I think my fear is real. The internet has shined so much light on to how many people are actually attempting to gain fame and have no talent at all. It has also put a spotlight on how many people that have talent don't ever get the fame and success because they don't have "it."

I, by no means, have the passion of the talentless and talented people of the internet. I'm stuck in the real world; filled with hope and despair. But I'm going to attempt to be all the things I enjoy, just to cross it off my bucket list. And since I'm getting married soon, this should be the year to do it.

Mean Girls

There are two women at work who I know is the reason that men quit after about three months. These ladies are the epitome of mean: always picking on somebody, always making somebody mad, and always finding a way to irritate me. What I can't understand;  what boggles my mind is when they "have to have a talk with me," they have no idea why they always have a problem with their coworkers. 

I know I should tell them how mean spirited they are. How every time they are asked to do something they have to fight about it. How they don't listen and then wonder why they are always in the office about an issue. How they think they know everything but not willing to teach. But I'm really sad for them.

You see the real issue is that they are unhappy with their lives. They have been in the same position at the company and their own lives for years now. They are still in school in hopes to one day be more than they are now and until they are finished, they come to work angry. 

I understand their anger because I've been there. I've been angry working next to high school kids and I've got a college degree. I've been upset that the new guy is getting promoted quicker then me. I've felt the disloyalty of a big corporation. So what advice do I have for them? Get fired.

Being unemployed puts a brand new perspective on your life. It teaches you that you aren't the shit and nothing will be handed to you. You have to play the game and move quickly. Just because you have been somewhere for a long time does not earn you the right for a promotion or respect. It doesn't even get you a watch anymore. All it shows is that you aren't ready for the next level. You have a complacency issue. 

So as a supervisor, a person of management, a well respected individual, how do I get these mean girls fired?

Sent from my Samsung Epic™ 4G Touch

Man Cave Day was a great success.

 The setup:
- Sunday and day off from work
- Apartment all to myself all day long
- Football Season
- Daylight savings, extra hour to sleep

The plan
- Sleep in
- Lay on the couch
- Watch a movie
- Watch football
- Have a brew
- Relax in my pj's

I got everything done. A couple of upsets happened. My Patriots lost to the Giants, again. And my fiance is still not home at a quarter to ten at night. I find it funny how she decides to spend her days off. She complains sometimes of how tired she is but than continues to be involved with so many activities. Her days off consist of Sorority meetings, pageants, shopping, planning the wedding, and cooking. I tell her she just needs to sit her ass at home and relax, but that doesn't seem like it will ever happen.

She tells me one of her fears is that she will be raising our future kids all by her self because I work late hours and I'm not off on weekends. I wonder if she will have time for kids with all the programs she is involved with.

This is just another case of how different we are. Its scary. I mean we like the same things but not the same way. I admire the fact she is so involved in community activities. I find myself jealous sometimes. I wish I was as committed. Do I ever see myself giving up a chance to have another Man Cave Day? Definitely not. Man Cave Day is what I work for. Its a day I've earned from hours on my feet dealing with crazy people about cellphones. Its a day I long for during long drives to my fiance's friend's wedding (people I hardly know).

Ahh, Man Cave Day. Can't wait to do it again.

Can't wait to get a Man Cave like this one day.

real G's move in silence like Lasagna

I just got that quote by Lil Wayne. For a long time I thought that line was so whack because I didn't know what it meant. That happens all the time doesn't it? The world is round. That didn't make sense right?

You can never guess who made me realize what the lasagna line meant. It was my 18 year old co-worker. For those of you that don't know, I just turned 28 and shame on you for not saying happy birthday. I got a decade on this kid. That means I was listening to hip hop music longer than he has and its a shame that he was the one to point out that the "G" in lasagna is silent. I know what you are thinking, revoke my "I like conscience rap" card. I can reluctantly hand it over because  this kid is amateur at the least.

He makes me think if I was as immature and uninteresting as he is right now. If I was, wow! What a decade can do to you. I mean I still love hip hop but most of the music being played now I don't think I can label it as hip hop. We need to start breaking down sub genres and what not. All that down south clickity clack and bibbty bop is not the same music I listened to growing up. This makes me sound like an old fart and that is exactly what I am amazed at; this kid is only ten years younger than me. How could have this happened? How long was I asleep last night? Who's the hottest rapper in the game? Is Biggie Smalls still the illest?

I can't imagine this getting any better. There is still good new music out there like: J. Cole, Wale, Hasin Bey, Talib Kweli, etc. Heck, Busta Rhymes is showing these youngings how to flow. But the longer and further away I get from home, the more I start to miss the days of lyrical flow, a message in the song, and boom bap. I think its safe to say I'm an Old G and I don't understand why anybody would use the spelling of a dinner meal in comparison to my overall behavior.

Thoughts unheard of

The toughest thing to deal with my queen to be is waiting on her to make decisions. It's very different for me. I'm the type that likes decisions to be made efficiently: breakdown the problem, ask questions, then decide on the best. I'm not necessarily deciding too fast but I think all decisions can be made in a timely fashion. My girl doesn't think this way.

Her decisions take time, the right emotions, and a sense for what other people are going to decide. I can't stand it because every time we go out to eat it's a big ordeal to order. Or every time we need to figure out our next move her answer is,  "i don't know. "

We are clearly to opposite people. And I'm hoping this is why we will make it in the end. We draw on each others strengths. This is a big decision we're making right now. And I have no idea who is making it.

Sent from my Motorola Smartphone on the Now Network from Sprint!

say it loud...

MY FIANCE DRIVES ME CRAZY!!

Things done changed. I'm not just getting married, I'm changing my blog site address and profile. Why? I'm scared sh!tless of blogging about problems and issues I face with our relationship. Normally, I try not to with this blog. But normally I have other things on my mind. Not anymore. Now its all about colors, catering, and cakes. Oh Lord.

So now that I think she won't be able to read this anymore. I can gripe (big grin on my face now). I will still try to speak on other issues. I don't want to make it seem like I'm a relationship blogger. There's other sites for that: verysmartbrothas.com.

So get ready for me to be back on the scene.

I made it back

Maybach that is. No for real. I went to the gym this morning. I've decided that its not as important to loose my beer belly but to be in shape. If I loose my belly along the way then great. But if I can run a marathon or bench press three times my weight, even better. Wish me luck.

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Okayplayer.com Boards - Viewing topic #10428179 - Young Diggy Simmons droppin heat on yall.

http://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=4&topic_id=10428179&mesg_id=10428179&page=

Pandora's box is hard to close again.

Emotions are complicated. I have no idea how and why women choose to deal with them. I can focus more in life if I choose not to face every disappointment, anger, and stress. But every once in awhile, emotions break out of that my mysterious box that I swear I had pad locked and cemented over from the last time.

Now the work to put the emotions back seems long and harder than before because there are now more emotions to find space for. And I know some of you may say, don't put it all back. But after a couple of days of trying that, it just seems easier to move back into the swing of if I just shut up and move on. And I know what the same imaginary audience is saying again, you only tried for a couple of days. But I can't think when your emotions make you want to do everything else but focus on what I need to do. So screw it.

I'm a just focus on paying these bills, getting rid of debt, and taking the next steps to becoming a man. Liking cutting off my sideburns.

Sent from my HTC smartphone on the Now Network from Sprint!

NOLA bay-bee!

I just came back from one of the greatest trips since 5 years ago. I partyed too hard and had too much fun. New Orleans was a great trip. I'm done with Bourbon Street. That place chewed me out and almost didn't spit me back out. I won't go into much detail because I am just relieved to be back home. This was my first vacation that I didn't just go home to Boston. I can't wait to do it again. Hopefully I will have some time to relax in the next one because I dunno if I am built for this game.

Nawlins is a great place to party but definitely not a place to visit. I don't know what the city looked like before Katrina but it ain't looking any better. The images I remember from that disaster are long gone and the only thing that reminded me of water rising to the roof tops was the Super Dome. That thing was big. The Super Dome saved this city but at the same time more devastating things happened in there. It is amazing to think about what people went through and how they got over it. When Katrina flooded the city my greatest confusion were the people that stayed. Were they just stupid, had no where to go, or just didn't care. But that is not the feeling left with. It was home. That is what you fight for.

NOLA bay-bee! See you when I see you.

Sent from my HTC smartphone on the Now Network from Sprint!

movies and smoothies: Hard Candy

alright this one was creepy. The plot is about this girl who has stalked an internet pedophile. She meets up with this guy at a local cafe where she acts coy and teases him until they get back to his place for drinks. I feelings at first are the questions that I assume everyone asks, "Why do teenage girls get themselves into this mess?" For me it doesn't make sense: she's fourteen, he's in his thirties and he happens to be interested in the same things you are? Isn't that a clear sign that something must be wrong with this so called adult?

Then I remember what being a teenager is like, especially one that doesn't always fit the in crowd. You believe that you are impenetrable, nothing bad will ever happen to you. And for teenage girls I imagine that they have learned that boys are interested in them and they can use that to their advantage (correct me if I'm wrong). Then the terrible thing happens when playing next to the microwave that's cooking metal, it explodes.

But a twist happens in this story. Instead of the girl getting drugged and molested, the pedophile gets drugged and tied up. Now the fun begins. The girl uncovers all of the dirty secrets of the guy, even murder of some previous unsuspecting teenager. When she finds the evidence, instead of just calling the cops and getting this sick man arrested (turns to audience to say, "hold this is the good part", bootleg movie moment) she cuts his balls off.

Dammmmnnnnnnn!!!!!

What makes her any better now? Now the hero has become the villain and the villain is the victim. What a mind blowing experience. I won't go into the rest because after that the truth gets reveal. You women need to stop doing that stuff. I feel conflicted about what happened because he was a pedophile so he deserved it but then again she cut the penis and the balls then sewed him up and asked if he wanted them ask keepsakes. If I had a choice between dying and getting my balls removed for non-medical reasons, pass me the rope and point me to the tree.  Even if I had testicular cancer, I would consider dying before I let them take my jewels.

RATING: strawberries and banana margarita to help ease the pain

legacy

one of my goals in life is to leave a legacy. It doesn't have to make me famous, heck nobody has to know I did it but one person and maybe my kids. I just want to leave something in this world that I created and can be discovered later.

My inspiration for this is my good friend Babadudu (that's his hip hop name, means father of blackness, or something like that). He created a selection of music called Cool Beans, basically an LP, back in college with DJ SwissIvory (from the Ivory Coast). I was there when he recorded some of the songs and I was also there for his first show (actually I was the hypeman). One thing I will always remember is that Babadudu didn't create this music to be the next great rapper. Unless some producer like Diddy (and I hope he would never go that route) came up to him with a done deal, he would never push for a career in hip hop. He just loved hip hop and music.

I still bump the Cool Beans LP to this day. Every time I hear the music and think back to being on stage just being a hypeman, I feel proud of Babadudu for just doing it. No fame, no glory, he just did it. And now for the rest of his life he has a legacy. I might be one of the few people that still listen to his music but I will continue to listen because it will remind me of the good times in college.

I want that.

And I can have that if I can just finish one thing and feel good. I know my ultimate dream is to have a family. My kids will one day be my legacy and that's cool but I want to create something else in this world that hasn't been done before: maybe just one song, maybe a company, maybe I do become famous. All I know is I have to finish one thing. The problem is I have too many ideas to stay focused on one thing. Woe is me, right? Many of my ideas are great and I dive right in feeling like its the next big thing. Then I hit a slump. I get bored, complacent, worried about bills, afraid of failing. It all runs in a cycle. My greatest accomplishment will be to break this cycle, just once. Just to say, "here is my legacy."

it's. about. to. go. down.

I haven't said much in awhile. Too much is going on and not enough time to say it, but since I'm not doing anything at work...

Valentines Day was fun. Surprisely fun. I did my best to plan a month in advance for a hotel room and dinner reservations. My girl and I had a great time at dinner, got tipsey, then made our way to the sweetharts package at the hotel: rose petals on the bed, champagne, and bubbles (you know the ones from your childhood that you blew out of a stick).

Sigh... then we prayed and held hands in separate beds.

*pause.

Yeah right. I'm not going into details after that but it was a great time.

Life at work is slowing down. This is bad. I've lost the initial high of doing things right and completing goals. Now everything is routine. There is a difference this time though. I actually like my job so I'm working on setting new goals and trying not to cuss out my coworkers. But three or four days of nothingness makes me a dull boy.

I'm on weightwatchers.com dropping pounds. Losing weight is difficult but weightwatchers does a good job of letting me eat whatever i want, moderately. The only thing i miss is drinking excessively and eating pizza. I guess i don't need to do both anymore. I've dropped 5 lbs. Please i need all of your applause.

I also haven't done movies and smoothies in a long time but my love for the theatre goes strong. I hope y'all weren't enjoying them and have not been heavily disappointed. Or maybe I do.

I'm a do better y'all.

Sent from my HTC smartphone on the Now Network from Sprint!