Parents just don't understand

I just watch Silver Linings Playbook. It was not what I expected. Basically it was two people suffering from PTSD fall in love and how their families have to deal with them. There's a moment in the movie that really spoke to me since my family is dealing with the same issue. Robert De Niro plays the father of the son who suffers PTSD and Bipolar after he discovers his wife having sex in the shower with another man.
After several incidents, including fist fighting with his son for hitting his wife, the father sits down with his son and confesses to not spending enough time with him. He then says he didn't know how to handle his son.
I can imagine this happening to lot of parents. When a child grows up with a mental illness that isn't detected and then one day as an adult that child breaks down and depends on you once again, its gotta be difficult to understand. From my personal experience it is impossible to do anything about it.
I think the hardest thing to accept for a father in this situation is that you messed up. Of course no one will tell you this. Everyone believes that raising kids is a crap shoot. You pick your favorite and hope for the best for the rest of them. But when there is child who seem to fail at life, part of that failure ( if not all because the child has your genes) is your fault.
I'm starting to believe this because of a book I'm reading "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People." The first part of the book explains the need to balance your relationships with work and success. For example if you never talk with your child and listen to his needs, then as an adult your child will not talk to you.
In my experience I find my father wanting to become friends with me in my adult life. I think this is mainly due to fact that he is alone now with my mentally ill brother who doesn't talk to anyone. It's hard for me to even think of conserving with my father as another regular person or even friend. There's just too much emotional restraint. We never had an open dialogue in my childhood. It was do as I say or face punishment. I still have that same sense as an adult. I don't believe that a joke would go very well with my father. Nor could I see us watching a game together. There is nothing more scary then knowing that you have sowed a bad seed.

Weez homeowners now

My wife and I just bought our first home together. I'm living a surreal life. The house has a lot of room, for now (I'm pretty sure a year from now I will complain about space). We have a two door garage and two full baths. Life is sweet.
We've been living a surreal life ever since we met and it keeps going. I wonder if its a bad thing. I still don't feel married but living in this new home may begin to ground me a bit more. I'm just happy that I don't have to move for a long time.

It's your first's birthday

It's weird to see your ex girlfriend's birthday pop up on Facebook. First the ghost of girlfriend past seems to haunt you with memories of first kisses, awkward moments, and guilt (I may have broken a few hearts). Then I start I feel like I'm doing something wrong thinking about old flames while my wife sits next to me watching Scandal (if I was sexing Kerry Washington I'd quit my job too).
What happens to me a lot is when I think of what day it is, I get the feeling that is someone's birthday. And when I can't remember who's birthday it is I assume its an ex-girlfriend. I feel really bad though when I see the Facebook message of an old girlfriend and I realize I never memorized her birthday ( must not have been that important).
Moral of the story: some people you are meant to forget. Damn you Facebook!

Reading is FUNduhMental

I'm reading again. This time it's for fun. Well sort of of. I want to finish my novel, both of them: Kicks and Drunken Superhero. I started writing one of them recently and I just find it hard to get from point a to b. Should I describe every step, every breath, every look my characters make? When I run out of things to at about a scene, is it okay to just say, "and that's all I have to say about that?"

So I started reading again. Really I haven't read a book in years. My last book I finished was over 6 years ago, American Psycho. Then I saw the movie. I think I had one of those moments when people say, "The book was better," but I'm not sure because the book didn't make any sense.

My goal is to learn better writing techniques as I read. I'm forever cursed with looking at everything as a design. As I'm reading I'm reflecting on the writers approach on descriptions and thoughts and as a whole what the meaning is (not just in the plot but in the art as well).

I just hope I make time to read more. I know I have a lot of time at work because I've been doing nothing but stand around waiting for customer to come in and complain. Instead of playing games on my phone, I hope kindle will help me during these times calculated self worth. Is it okay though that I'm reading a book that I've already seen the movie?

Fear itself

I can't tell you why I have a fear of rejection. I've been shy all my life. I can only guess that I didn't fail often in my childhood so therefore I don't know how to take it. There are plenty of people that I could blame for this: both of my 5th and 6th grade teachers, my parents, and my older brothers.

My grade school teachers never failed me. I bring up 5th and 6th grade because there were two projects that I did last minute, that I obviously should have failed, that I was sweating about when grades were getting passed out but I got A's.

My parents never taught me how to fail. I was found so well in school (which is the only thing they cared about) so they never took the time to push me to the limit.

My brothers excelled at everything that I couldn't physically. I'm not sure how that increases my fear if failure but I can feel it has something to do with it.

So I bring this up because I can't make a cold call at work. I had this whole plan to cold call businesses after sending letters to them so that it would be an actual cold call. But I still feel like it is. Cold calling is the ultimate rejection. The fear comes from mean, surly business people that bark at you for wasting their time. They always make me feel small.

I know that I have conquered a lot more fears than I give myself props for. I'm married about to purchase a home. I've also left home at 18 and never looked back while my friends still live at home. I'm a guy making moves and becoming a man everyday. So what I still have fears. At least I can admit it.

Kick it List

Stand up comedy
Write a novel
Sky dive
Ballon ride
Hang glide
Rap on stage
Make a song
Sing in a choir
Fall in love
Go cross country
Be in a bicycle gang
Coach a football team
Create a legacy
Design and build a home
Order a royale with cheese
Make a movie
Dunk a playground hoop
Get a natural high
Win a poker tournament

Real Dreams

The wife and I are buying a home. It is such an incredible feat for us since we just got married 6 months ago and that wasn't cheap. What feels great about it is that I am on my way to completing my dream. Married, check. Own a home, check. Next up kids. Wait, what?

Children scare the crap out of me. Don't get me wrong I love kids, you just can't take them back though. Kids are a real commitment. Everything else is negotiable . In a marriage you can get a divorce; at work you can quit; but kids are a full commitment. They will have no one else to depend on. That's why I got to make my marriage work. I have to make my job work. And I have to begin my legacy because my kids will depend on it.

Some might say it sounds like you are ready for a child. Some men don't even care about there current living seed while I'm talking about a leaving a legacy. Well those people might be right. I'm still scared sh!tless that my daughters will become strippers. How the hell do I stop that?

Hey Mom, I want to be a comedian!

I don't even think my mom would know what a comedian is and when I explain it to her I'm sure she would tear me a new one. I'm glad we live in separate states because she would just smack me upside my head if I was close enough. But seriously, on my bucket list is to try being a comedian. My problem is I have no idea where to start.

From my research (which consists of watching Delirious over and over again), I've realized that a stand up performance is not a guy who thinks he can stand up in front of people and tell funny stories. You gotta be able to relate to folks, have the right timing, and project a consistent persona. But more important than all of that is appearing to be original (I say appearing because there is nothing new in comedy but my take on it has to be just a little bit different).

I say all this to get to one thing, my first joke. Here it goes.

As you can tell I'm not from Oklahoma. I'm from Boston. Go Celtics. When I moved here I expected to see a bunch of cowboys riding on horses riding down the street along side of my car. I was sadly mistaken. But its cool. What's really cool are the Native Americans out here. Man if you have any Native American blood I swear you got a free ride out here. You got scholarships and casinos. It makes me feel bad for black people. Like who the hell was making the deal with white people when they gave us freedom. The Natives got casinos and free education and this nigga said we'll take 40 acres and a mule. Why couldn't he have said something like amusement parks. Could you imagine the irony for black to own amusement parks. We could make white people get on rides called the whiplash....

That's all I got but it would go further into rides named after slavery things like riding on a boat while chained up or something. I got some more work to do.