To Exist...

Life changing moments only happen a few times. The rest is just mundane. Go to work, get paid, hand it over to the man, then stress.

There's a better way but most of us are too scared to risk it. We know it will be hard. We know we will suffer. And we know it might not work out.

This is my existence.

Sent from my iPhone

Doctor said...

I've been seeing a therapist for several months (really just three times) and this last time she suggested that I might be depressed. Sigh! Now I feel like I'm wasting time thinking about being depressed and it's making me depressed. I thought I was happy until now. What's worse about it is that I got some really good advice about motivation. And now I'm having trouble focusing on that advice because I might need drugs to solve my problems.

The advice given to me was: when I'm feeling lazy and I should be doing work, I need to ask myself, "what am I saying about me right now? Am I not important?"

It seems that I haven't thought of myself as important. I guess I never asked. I've always thought of myself as important to others: at work, at home, in my family. But I haven't told me, "you is kind, you is smart, you is important." Hopefully I can focus on that advice rather than I need to be drugged advice. It's funny how the devil works.

let's be friends

I need some friends outside of this relationship. I depend way too much on my fiance. To the point that when one of her friends comes in from out of town I have nothing to do all day, while she hangs out, I get upset. I don't need to be upset because this is not going to happen often. I guess I'm jealous. And being drunk doesn't help either.

This is why I need some friends I can hang with in this situation. The problem is that when making new friends while you are in a relationship is hard to do. You see just because you want to hang out one random evening doesn't mean that another person will have time for you to do so. Everything has to be planned these days. Its not like when I was younger and I knew who I was hanging out with every day. I could count on it. Nobody else can count on me to hang any random night. I guess I'm starting to understand the meaning of ball and chain.

Movies and Smoothies: HappyThankYouMorePlease

I like this movie. Its a bit cheesy the way it pokes fun at itself at times but other than that its got a good message. I don't know how I feel about the white guy adopting a little black kid (feels a little Angelina Jolie to me) but it turns out alright. I good message about this movie is in the title. When someone gives you a compliment you say, "Thank you. More please." How nice and comforting. Being humble.

Other than that, its an interesting story. Watch it.

motivation

my district manager said something important during a meeting, "You can't motivate anyone. That person has to motivate himself." It was very profound; so against the norm; and completely the wrong attitude for any manager. He is right. No matter how hard you try you can't motivate another person. Motivation is a light bulb locked in the beacon of our self conscience. Its our job to find the key and begin shed light towards our happiness. As a manager, your job is help us find that key. You can't make us open that door but most of us have no idea where to start looking.

So its true, you can't truly motivate any one person, but as a manager, do the work that it takes to get me to where I need to be. It just might pay off for you.

a dream turns into goals

i've been lying to myself this whole time. I have dreams and plenty of them. I was just looking at my Kick It List and I realized that's it; that's the motivation I need. There's nothing on my list I don't feel like I can't accomplish and I would honestly feel great about succeeding in those goals. The list is my measure of success. If I can complete everything on that list before I die, I'm sure I can look back on my life and say I was the man I wanted to be, needed to be, and always was.

Now is the time I conquer all my fears. Now is the time I turn these dreams into goals. I've been looking for something to motivate me. Too many nights and nightmares have been wasted on thoughts about failures in the past. I've measured myself against the fantasy of a rich, slick talking, white guy who pleases so many women in bed. That is not me. I can not be defined. I can only choose to live the experiences that will inspire me to live a long and happy life. I think I need to add one more thing my Kick It List and that is to make a new Kick It List when I'm done with this one.

the mark of the age

i'm old. Up until this point I had no idea what made you old and out of touch. I realized music was moving along without me for a couple of years now but there still wasn't a dance move I couldn't do better than most my age. I've been healthy and still active. I'm still being asked for id at the liquor store. But now age has crept into my life like a terminal illness. The reality is here: I've got one foot in the grave.

The eye opening moment happen when I saw a commercial for the greatest hits of... (wait for it) THE 90'S. Let me explain: growing up I watched these commercials about the greatest hits of time period I knew nothing about. First it was the 70's, then it was the 80's. These commercials would run through a list of songs I may have heard of at some grown folk party and watched their eyes light up as the first beat drop. I couldn't fully grasp the meaning of all the songs but I understood I was not the demographic.

So present day. I'm on my couch. One of these commercials come on. Not only do I know the words of every song that is being played but the titles on the screen are recognizable as well. As the clips of 90's sounds play back to back, the songs grow my excitement and spark my nostalgia to the point of orgasm in my front lobe. At that very moment of musical ecstasy, I realized that this pleasure would turn into shame. I realized this was the mark of my age. I'm officially old.

The pain of reaching this benchmark didn't stop there; my body began to manifest this truth with back pain, wisdom teeth suffering, and migraines. Its all over now. My youth has faded. I have nothing left to do but get married, raise some kids, and tell stories of myself in my better days.

just live it

biggest pet peeve of the new generation is the camera phone. Sure its great to have one digital device that can encompass all your source of entertainment and communication but it does one evil thing that I can not forgive anyone for: it records.

You're at your favorite concert. You can hear your favorite performer. You can sense this is one of those memorable moments you have in your life. Then you pull out your phone and press record. Now your seeing everything through a 4.5 inch screen (if you're lucky). Nothing else matters anymore but getting a decent shot of what's going on.

It's cool that you can share this with someone later and maybe you might get enough hits on Youtube to feel good about your ability to press record at the right time. But you have unknowingly detached yourself from the moment that you should never be able to forget. Instead of giving more energy to a rock god that shines in front of you, you suck the light into your small digital device for your own selfishness. I can't stand people that press record.

Your hand should be up for no other reason but to pump your fist in rhythm of the sound that you came for. You should let the moment exist only in the special memory vault that contains everything that makes you yearn for happiness. Don't press record. Just pause. Just live it.

expectations

it's amazing how expectations drives a relationship. You know your significant other loves you dearly and wants to see you happy but still has an expectation that prevents you from your own happiness. And it doesn't have to be malicious or unfair. You might want to hang out with your friends and she is cool with that except the fact that she will be left alone on a Saturday night. Try as you might to notify her of your plans in advance but when the time comes and you are walking out the door, the only look on her face is abandonment. What's most confusing is when you ask if you should stay home, her reply will be no.
There goes your days of enjoying yourself with any other person but your woman. I guess it makes sense. A relationship is all about compromise. You do your best to meet the expectations of your partner. The struggle is when in turn you have some expectations that are not being met at the same time. Then begins the arguing and the emotions. Oh the wonderful emotions. Mixes so well with alcohol.
The only thing to do is to communicate. You can not meet every expectation. You just have accept the other persons point of view and agree that you see it differently. This might mean you will continue to argue about the same topic for the rest of your time together. Slip it in to any other argument that has anything to do with the situation. Most importantly keep it bottled in so that it frustrates you everyday. Then kill yourself. Good luck with marriage.

Mo' Postin! Mo' Postin! Mo' Postin!

so for Lent I gave up secular music. Jesus this is tough (no blasphemy). Gospel music is great. I miss it actually. But I really have to be in the mood for it. What's sad is that I don't have an even balance of hip hop, r&b, and gospel like I used to. I'm already thinking of how I'm going to fit gospel music in my regiment after Easter.

The problem is gospel music speaks about one thing (don't make me spell it out); other music has different topics that can be fun: baby momma drama, politics, fun with friends. I understand I need to stay mindful of God and his blessings but whats really fun is when Phonte spits game to a female in a verse that doesn't rhyme. You don't get cleverness like that with gospel.

Now I'm thinking maybe I should listen Christian Rap. You just missed it but I chuckled. I do not like it when artists try to get new age with gospel music; conforming to the new generation. Kirk Franklin is cool, but he does a good job of turning something old into new. I can't stand listening to a rapper cry about his past life as a thug and then turns his life to Jesus. You can't be gangsta for Jesus.

no. I will not man date

how do I tell this guy at work I don't wanna go on a man date? Dude's not from here, just like I'm from here and he's just like me: awkward. I get the idea to hang out because I don't know nobody and he don't, so we should be able to grab some beers and chill, right? Wrong. I mean it feels wrong. Can't we just hang in a group for awhile to find out if we have similarities? I don't know what to talk about with him. We from opposite races, opposite cities, opposite college backgrounds; not really a match made in heaven.

Even though I despised the idea on going a man date, we went to bar last week. Just to make it less awkward, I invited this other dude in a similar situation so it would be "guys" night out. Everything went alright. I was drunk off my ass and we ended up smoking a spliff. Was it the best night of my life? Nope. But now dude is asking me when we going to hang again and I gotta walk by him with awkward looks because I'm antisocial as f_ck and he is too. Unfortunately we don't have anything interesting in common. Sure he's a married man and I'm engaged so we can talk about married guy stuff but that only last so long.

This feels like when you meet a chick and you don't want to talk to her anymore but she don't get the hint. What's worst is that I have to work with him. Oh boy.

how i wish my coverletter would read

What it do,

You may not know it but I'm the bomb diggity. I'm the bomb at selling stuff people don't need and I'm the bomb at making you some money. If you decide to cut me in on the nonsense you sell at a booshie as price, we goin' blow up. Don't even bother looking at my resume, just hit me up on my celly and I'll let you know the 411 on the fun we'll have laughing at my black ass during the company picnic (you know I got some good ass fried chicken). Yo, straight up... I know you got some old foggies you looking to get rid of because your company stay on that new new. You need new shit? I'm that dude. I stay fresh to death. So check it, hit me up at 11:32am or 5:01pm, cause you know the j.o.b. be tripping about "personal calls." Hook a brother up.

Aight, one.

Don't stop the body rock

I'm afraid to admit this but I don't know how to have fun with my fiancé. Actually its more scary to realize this then to admit it. Don't get me wrong, we have fun from time to time. But when I get off work and got that itch to wild out my fiancé is not the first to come to my mind. A matter fact when I think of involving her I lose my enthusiasm. I'm pretty sure this is normal. Mostly because the best fun I ever have is with my cousin (we grew up together). Sadly I moved away from home (far away) so now our fun times come few and far between.
So what should I do? Get some new male friends. But at the risk of taking another man out on date, I refrain from asking another guy to hang out and play video games (I don't even have a second controller). So I'm waiting for another male companion to naturally happen. Hang out in a group for awhile, see if we would gell or even like the same sports team. But how the hell do I get a group of people together when I can't even get one person to hangout with?