moving on

so I guess I don't have time to write anymore. Its a shame. I've had a lot of interesting thoughts and ideas lately but I since I work 14 hours a day, I can't seem to remember what they are. But here is an update of how life has been.

1. I brought the lovely lady home to the folks. It was a big deal. How do I know? Because moms brought out the appetizers, the good china, and dessert. These three things I don't think I've seen brought out in my house more than 3 or 4 times in my life. It was interesting, nerve racking, and shocking all at once. The most important thing that I've learned from the experience is that I don't consider home to be home anymore. I had a strange feeling when I was there and half the time I wished I was back in the Okie Doke. When I made it back to okc everything seemed so familiar. I guess I'm moving on. Meanwhile there are some folks back east that feel that I abandoned them. I have no idea how to deal with that.

2. The trip back home made me think I need therapy. Like most people, the thought that you need therapy is scary because you get put in this special category of crazy. Now I know I'm already a bit crazy, but its in a normal weird way. To be clinically categorized as crazy is one step away from being a hobo on the street. The most messed up part about it is, the people that I feel care about me the most think I need therapy. Great. I might as well start making my sign of cardboard and homelessness. But guess what... fu_k 'em! I over everything that plagues me about my childhood and current relationship with family. I got things to do in order to make it and I will not let them take up my time.

3. Business is booming. I've tripled my clientele since last quarter. Really I went from one to three clients but its progress. And I have an event to market at in the end of April. I'm even more nervous but this time in a good way. This is really pushing me to complete a lot of things and not be so picky about how I design and the decisions I make. I've wasted a lot of time trying to prepare but now its game time. So its ready or not.

4. I'm ready to sell my first home but all I keep hearing is the economy is so bad. Yeah I know the economy is bad but I can't handle this mess that is in Atlanta anymore. Plus life is getting good in OK that I'm ready to move on and cut my ties with the dirty dirty. I know I got a lot of competition with foreclosed homes and HUD house that are selling like hot cakes but I'm hoping there is someone looking to begin the American dream and own a proper home at a decent price. I can't imagine that everyone is only willing to buy broken down homes in Atlanta.

That's all I can think of right now. The rest is mostly the same: bills, work, bills, broke, a girl that makes me smile. There's not much more than that.

Its happening again

I'm playing boss. My manager has decided to let me fill in for my assistant manager whenever he is out. I've gone from sitting in my little cubicle and doing my thing to get through the day to answering everybodys questions and pretending to be social.
She picks me because I'm the best on the team and I expressed that one day I want to be a manager. So that sounds good right? Wrong! I've been down this road before. They let you play boss and as soon as you mess up your bossly duties you're out of there. Plus they don't pay you any more for playing boss so they do their best to keep you in the same spot. Meanwhile all your other coworkers come to you non stop with question you shouldn't be handling.
So what should I do now? I don't want the same mess to happen like last time.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

And why not?

The Bible. A living document. Why not include recent history? Is not Martin Luther The King Jr worthy of a mention in the great book? Is not Ghandi an inspirational story to be share with millions? Are including any of their stories go against the religions that use the bible?

I wonder what is stopping this from happening? I'm sure I'm not to think of it. Is it racial? Is it sacrilegious?

I think one issue may be that this would begin to form an idea of a world bible. And that is just impossible. With all the hatred and arrogance AND ignorance, all the religious factions will never be able to come together and include everyone's take on spirituality. Why can't we all just get along?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Suckers need to gonna inspire

MOTIVATION. Now you know I don't like to start my blogs with all caps but this is sort of a reminder. I need some motivation. I need to go back to place, th feeling I had when I was in high school creating my model that won third place in the nationals. Yeah that's deep.
Lately I've felt a sense of stagnant inability. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I'm more scared of doing something wrong so I don't do anything at all. Which is stupid.
This is a journey of the mind. And I'm on the breakdown lane. SOS.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

oh my its 2010!

its the new year already. My bad, I've forgotten about letting ya'll know what's going on. So here is the wrap up of 2009: I got fired from my job, I accepted who I am, I fell in love, I traveled, I moved, I got a j.o.b., and I fell deeply in love.

All in all it was a weird year. Very weird. Very new. Taking risks that I wasn't expecting but everything is turning alright (well not everything but when is it ever everything). The best moments in '09 involved substances of the natural matter. The scariest moments involved the same substances. The best vacation was in NC chilling with a life time friend for a week (it gave me the strength to make moves I needed to make). The best party was back home with my friend who finally graduated from college. He ended up in his pool in the backyard and that is when the party shut down. Good times. Biggest regret was taking my brother to court. Greatest accomplishment was starting the ground work for a business idea.

I think this year will be interesting again. I'm still going to make changes in my life. I'm trying not to stress about it. I'm starting to boil down what career I can do. It may not be what I want to do but that is why side hustles are for. I need to sell my condo, buy a new car, move out of my apartment, and purchase the most expensive gift of my life. I feel like that is a lot. I figure I just work on one thing at a time. Take it step by step. Day by day.

the best relationship advice

i've been slowly trying to figure out what this relationship thing is supposed to be about. I feel a lot of times that I am compromising for the other person because I'm in loving and I'm willing to do anything to stay that way. But after this advice I read of okayplayer.com, I think I've been in the wrong.

Here's the advice: (link)

"If your his girl friend.......be his girlfriend.....STOP being a wife to a man that aint married you...."

You see at sometimes I feel my girl is holding back on things like cooking, being there when I get home from work, buying me stuff, etc. But after this advice, I understand now. She says all the time that she knows if we were to get married she'd be doing those things all the time but I didn't want to believe her. Now I'm assuming she's taking this theory to heart, which makes a lot of sense. I feel stupid for not recognizing it. I should be doing the same thing. I am not her husband, therefore I should not have to worry about so many things like her bills, her car, etc.

So a new question arises. What's my purpose as a boyfriend?

I think I have an idea.

For cheat's sake

who should let go of the dream first ? Men or women ? I'm speaking of the dream that there is a relationship that does not have to worry about cheating. I, of course think that its a woman's dream. Believing that any man doesn't at least think about sticking his Johnson in another Mary Sue is foolish. But on the same note, no man should be surprised that women are involved in extra hanky Panky yet we usually are.
So my question again is why do we continue to believe in the idea that cheating shouldn't happen? Are we wrapped around our egos so much that we believe no one should want anyone else? Or is there a fear that if we accept cheating as a natural human behavior we will become a society full of unfathered babies.
BUT WE ALREADY ARE!
We need to stop focusing on the cheating aspect and we need to start teaching people what sex is all about. Pleasure. And massive reproduction.
So next time you get into a relationship just assume your mate is cheating. Matter of fact: pick out the girl he should cheat with. See if has the balls to do it. You might be surprised that he won't ever cheat on you.

Naw! I'm playing. Keep dreaming folks.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

every once in awhile I get to wondering what is this really all about. Then I smack myself awake and hold onto the wheel because I'm driving on the highway and I'm pretty sure the driver next to me doesn't want to exchange insurance papers today. He's probably on the way to his mistress house and would have a hard time explaining to his wife why he was on the north side of town in an accident. Anyways, as I change lanes to an empty spot in front of the stop light only to be first to speed closer to a job I dread, I see the hundred or so birds perched on street lights and telephone polls. Its like a scene out of Alfred Hitchcock. They all seem to be devising a plan, a grand plan to lay down a wall of bird poop as the first set of cars drive under them. The only problem is that birds are dumb as f_ck! They can't count so they can never set a time to release the sh!t storm. If this life was really about something, something worth wild, then all of our stories should come true. The aliens should rip through time and space while the earth quakes and opens a deep hole to hell as tsunami waves come crashing down upon it; releasing a fog that seeps into our lungs and turns many to zombies then blocks out the sun and causes an ice age of mass proportions. All of this in just one day. And then there would only be a few of us, survivors; if you want to call us that. We aren't just trying to survive. We're saving the world.

But that's only if this life means anything. Right now, it's just about getting out of this beaten down car I have to hold on to and walk into this dark and bleak building to do a job. A job that was only created for me to obtain more bills and work overtime to get paid a few more cents so that I can pay bills that never seem to end. Its a cycle of bullsh!t

Thank God I'm a writer.

da ghetto pass aka the black card

i've been intrigued lately with down to the bones white people who get a ghetto pass. You know who I'm talking about. If we were boarding a ship back to Africa to save our black asses from some impending doom, people like Robin Thicke and Bill Clinton would get a pass to the front and leave Maya Angelou behind. What's the qualifications for this pass?

I think this is a serious discussion that needs to be had at our next black forum. We have to have standards here so that we don't get confused and have another vanilla ice on our hands. And for those of you who think that this is all racist and that we should embrace everyone, I call bullspit. Because the majority of black people I know (and I don't just mean the dudes back home) only like black culture; there's no rock 'n roll in their playlists. All I'm saying lets come to a decision to how we accept people of the opposite color in the general black public before we make a big mistake.


PS. I want to see a movie about racism now. What if there was no Emancipation? What if we were still fighting for Civil Rights? How would that look now with all this technology and economical decline? What other laws would be in place? Could there be possibly another Civil War?

I think it would make for an interesting movie? Let's try something different.

make money doing nothing

is just saw this ad on my own blog page and that is exactly the career I want. And I'm not too far from it. I have three book ideas in the works that I know if I can just finish them, I'll be able to one day sit around and collect checks from a best seller.

See I don't want to enjoy doing work so it seem like I'm not working at all. I want to not work at all and enjoy it. There are plenty of people in my life that may read this and be disappointed. Some may say I have too much potential and I'm wasting my career opportunities. I understand all that and there is no excuse. Just pray that I can complete these novels and then my dreams will come true.

on my time

lately I've been venturing into this business idea that involves me doing a lot of work that I enjoy. The only problem is that when I talk to other people and I mention how slow I want to move, they take the joy out. Honestly, I don't "love" to make money (I'd love to have it, but making money just reminds me of paying bills). So when people are pushing me to get a million clients by tomorrow, quit my job, and open a factory, I feel like they are sucking all of the fun out of my dream job.

I know at some point you have to work hard for what you want, but then at the same time I'm supposed to enjoy what I do. I don't enjoy working hard. Let me correct that, I don't enjoy working hard to get paid. I know, what an oxymoron. But if you've ever worked on a hot summer day in the yard of your parents' house just because they needed some help then you'll understand why I hate working hard for money. When you are working because you love your parents, the reward is the love from your parents. You have to agree that is more valuable than money. When you work hard for money, you never feel like you are getting paid enough. It becomes a game of greed vs. cheap.

I explain this because in my business venture, I've decided not to pressure myself with other folks ideas of trying to make a million dollars by the end of next year. I know I will continue this venture because its all beginning to make sense and I feel a close attachment to it. Don't get me wrong, I want to have a lot of money from this business one day but if I only make $200 by the end of this year I don't believe I will have failed. You must account for my involvement in the timeless beginnings of love.

Only one

Because of a very good blog http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/1984-and-more-how-important-is-spreading-the-right-seeds/ I have decided today to have just one child. I figure since these little hoodrats are covering the earth with "no chance" kids, I'm going to do my part and have just one kid.
That's right just one. One little monster to make mistakes. One little genius to make me rich. One little brat to spoil with love.
I think its time we start following all of China's rules. More schooling. Two babies max per couple.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Rush Limbaugh has rights

I never do recent political drama but I'm all amped in NFL news because of fantasy football (its my first year).
Rush Limbaugh got money. He wants to buy ownership of a football team. Wait a minute he's an outspoken racist so he can't right? Wrong!
He has every right to. To assume that there aren't any racists owning a large group of black people in america is ridiculous. The only difference is that they don't get paid for talking in a racist manner. But I'm sure they do far more racist things. How long did it take before a black coach was allowed?
Accepting that there are racists in this great land is a hard pill to swallow because we don't know what that will mean. I think most people would fear that slavery will come back. But as much as we accept black people to hate all whites, we should start to realize white people don't like black people either.
And this why President Barack deserves the Nobel. Only he can help this nation solve its issues.

*wow. Two political topics. This is insane. I guess I'm becoming just like my father.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The content of my character not the content of my jeans

I had a special moment this morning. A revelation if you will. I've heard the saying don't judge people because only God can judge, so many times as a scapegoat for flaws in ones life. I've always been against that. I invite people to tell me what they think. Its absurd to think that I don't care what they are thinking. If I didn't care I would go to work in boxer briefs everyday (they comfortable).
What people shouldn't judge is what I have. We all can't afford they same things. That doesn't mean you're better than me because I decided to eat for a week rather than get the latest pair of Jordan's. That's unfair. Judge me for the decision I made to stay alive. So the next time I show up to work in nothing but my superman boxers, don't judge the color of my shorts. Judge the decision not to include the cape.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

frozen chest hairs

i'm sick... again. How sad is this? I usually get sick two or three times a year. And when I do I get over it with out any pills or going to the doctors. In the past 3 weeks I've gotten sick twice. Now I'm taking allergy pills when I have the flu because I'm too stubborn to go and get the right stuff.

I hate being sick. Its like your whole body is losing in a bacteria war. My mother keeps telling me to go to the hospital and get medication. She's really just scared that I will die from h1n1 because she got it and she keeps a tab on how many people have died this year from this strand. Its going to take a whole lot more than some media hyped disease to get me.

Its my fault I'm sick a second time. Winter is coming and I decide to sleep bare chested with just a bed sheet. So naturally it gets colder early in the morning than in the day and night. So as soon as I woke up I could feel it in the back of my throat.

Oh well. No matter what, I'm back to work tommorrow.

Greatest love story ever told

Last night on NBC the ending and the beginning of a great (if not the greatest) love story ever told. Jim and Pam from the hit show The Office had their wedding.
This relationship is close to my heart because of the trial they had to go through. Both Jim and Pam were in love with each other from the start. You could always see it in Pam's eyes that if she wasn't engaged with the wrong guy, Jim was her soul mate.
Now some say Jim should have been more of a man and claimed Pam from jump street. I believe this is the worst idea. Every man knows that if you steal a woman from another man, she will more than likely leave you later for the next guy. Plus out of respect for man law you don't break up another mans love. Now, in the words of R. Kelly , "don't get mad if your chick decide to leave with me... Quit running around here bitchin and tighten up your game."

I guess I'm more in love with the whole relationship because its the same way I would have handled it. I don't think he knew he was going to marry her before they got together (so that cheesy line was a little far fetched) but when they combined, I think he realized it.
But really this post is to correct a statement I read on another blog that Jim was a bitchass. Well i'll be damn! I didn't know being a gentlemen was a bitchass move these days. Listen. Love goes through a journey. Real love does. All the other stuff just isn't real. It just ends up in divorce or an equal hatred for one another. So learn people. Learn from the great stories of our times. And this is one of them.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Constant flow

My constant state of mind is in a constant state of rhyme
So when rap a line I'm in a constant state in time

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

who am I?

new job. New people. New sh!t to deal with.

So I've been staying pretty quiet in training until yesterday when I decided to have a fun and crack jokes during a game of "who am I?": basically an ice breaker game. Everybody was so surprised that I was cracking jokes and having fun. I know who I am: the fun loving nerd who takes over a room when necessary.

Now everybody thinks I'm some kind of comedian when really I just like to have fun when it is allowed. I won't disrupt the class for my amusement. I'm not really looking for new friends. I don't care if I'm by myself. I feel like I've figured out the kind of people I want around me. I choose not to talk to the rest, yet they think I'm just too quiet.

I like being quiet. It gives me a chance to understand people. That way I know how to deal with you in the future; whether or not I should waist my time with you. So they can think I'm shy, but really I'm just an efficient socialist.

Annihilation

I'm not scared to admit it. I suck at Madden Football. I can't score because of interceptions and I can't tackle. But something in me won't quit. See I can't play for fun. Everything is a competition. Every game is a test of my manhood. If I don't win what will I tell my kids in the future?
I know I should just reduce the difficulty level and work my way up but I'm too stubborn to submit. What I've learned from the mistake on the virtual field is that I don't make good split second decisions. This is good to know because I try to stay away from impulse decisions in real life.
See me in an action adventure and i'll terrorize you.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The bigger the better?

So my place of employment is filled with overweight people. I'm not using the term overweight in its recent definition for american society as a whole but in the meaning of 300+ lbs, need two seats to sit, and have a hard time deciding how to fit through tight spaces. This scares me.

I'm not scare that if we ever get trapped in the building these people would begin to look at me as a side on their dinner plate. I'm scared because I wonder if it is the job that is making them this fat or is this job more likely to hire them with these conditions. Either way I'm screwed. Seeing this many obese people might make me find it comfortable and accepting to have a second helping of twinkies.

I know I'm being pretty rude. Given the choice I know these people would choose an easier life but because of emotions and low metabolisms they suffer. But I just can't shake the feeling that I now must study them. I think I'm supposed to learn something from them.

I'll try to let you know what I discover.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

America the great

I'm riding on the freeway this morning. I'm on my way to work. I pull up behind a Ford Chevelot that has three Mexicans in the bed of the truck. I decide to ride behind them for a mile or two as I watch two of them sleep and one of them sitting high above the truck just looking around.

All I can think of is that, "we all have to go to work. " then I start to wonder how life must be different for them here : more job opportunities, not having to learn english to get by, not enough clubs catered to them. But we all got to work to survive. They don't like waking up so early for their job just as much as me. So why are people so angry at them being here?
I decide to end tailgating the Mexican trolley and roll past the drivers side. I expected to see same hick town, redneck driving whom I would judge immediately for hating on illegals when he has a bunch of them in the back.

But no.

Its a bigger Mexican. And on the side of the truck, in red, white, and blue the logo reads: American Services.

I almost crashed from laughing so hard. Oh the irony.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Trust me it aint easy

Trust is a terrible thing to lose. Especially when you in love or you've loved a person for so long that you don't expect to lose it (like family). Unfortunately I've lost trust in a lot of people in these last years. Some folks just aren't proving to be the person you thought they were or they said they word.

And its okay if you change your mind about a belief or behavior but if I depended on you in the beginning to do something and you change that then I can't trust you to do that thing anymore.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

its all good

so I guess I need to speak on what I've actually been doing this month. I haven't said nothing about my new tenant, my road trip to OKC, my birthday, my girlfriend, my new job, and the changing dynamic with my parents (that's a whole lot. I'm pretty sure I won't get to all of it).

New Guy
Thankfully, I found a new tenant for my GA home before I left. He seemed like a cool dude and would fit into the dynamic of the house. He met everyone else and he just seemed to fit. I don't know how else to put it. I was surprise to get anyone to take my room. At first I just felt, well this whole move might just work.

Day of the move
The plan was: stay up all night the night before, get to the uhaul early in the morning, pack, sleep in the afternoon, leave by midnight. What happened was: its raining cats, dogs, tigers, bears, monkeys (not a good way to pack all your furniture); try to wait out the rain while sleeping in my car at the uhaul for a couple of hours but the rain wouldn't let up; packed in the rain; slept for three hours; couldn't go back to sleep; prayed my heart out before I left; hit the road at midnight.

Road Trip!
I thought I could handle it. I did ten hours before to Miami. It couldn't be bad, right? I lost my youth. What was supposed to be a thirteen hour became a fifteen hour trip. No man should drink the amount of Red Bull as I did. I ended up stopping to pee more than getting gas. My car went through so many bumps that the car alarm sounded with ever bump. Now I swear it goes off randomly. I've never been on one road for so long (six hours). I thought I would die. But I made it. I unpacked (barely). And we here.

My Boo.
She black, people, okay?! I know she from Oklahoma and its the Midwest and its the red state of all red states, but I got me a strong black, beautiful woman. That's all you need to know.

Jay Oh Bee (c) Friday
I arrived in OK Saturday, interviewed on Monday through Thursday, drug tested Friday, got a job on Wednesday. Start on Monday. That wasn't hard right? Right. And I'm offered more money than my last job (this just might work).

My Birthday
I had fun. It was sad at first because I was thinking, damn I'm old. But then after spending time with my lady I noticed I'm young at heart (I'm probably the only one keeping us young). By the end of the day, I was pretty happy.

I am your Father!
What does that mean when I'm twenty-six? I'm starting to make decision on my own but I never forget to ask my parents about their opinion. Now they are starting to pretend as if they have no say in what I do. As if I don't need their help. Then after I'm ready to move forward with my choices, they decide to tell me they disapprove. Too late buddy. You had your chance. I just don't understand this transition phase. How long will it last? Will they assume I'm trying to be disrespectful when I don't agree with their ideas? What's the best retirement home in their location (oh I'm just joking. Do you believe me)? All I know is that they are changing. And they sure as hell didn't warn me about it.

So that is. what is. goingz on. I'm in search of a lot of answers now about religion, God, life, Life After Death (how come Biggie knew "your nobody till somebody kill you). We'll see what goes on from here. Until then, peace and hair grease.

everyone has a story

why don't we all write books? Its funny because I used to think I was boring and interesting. Sure I can tell a joke and have a laugh but I didn't pretend to have these amazing stories to tell. I do.

Lately all I do is tell stories. "Like this one time..." or "That reminds me of this story." and "One time, at band camp..." (no that's not true). I find myself talking like this my girlfriend everyday. This makes me wonder: I should be a writer. Maybe its a missed passion of mine. I hope that I do finish my novel ideas and get at least one published. I wouldn't mine slave a nine to five if I get to publish one book. Then I get to say, "I am a novelist," and not a call-center-customer-service-specialist.

I can't lie though, I want it for the passion, fame, and fortune. That's right. I don't want to starve for this form of art. I want to get paid. Someone should hear what I have to say and they should pay me for it. Then they should go see it at the movies and pay me beaucoup bucks for it. Cha-Ching.

Hey people. Try to write something this month. You might just be the next great American Novelist.

lets not talk about it

there are certain people who deserve to be avoided. You can't love everybody in this world (because that would just lead to a huge awkward orgy at which point it would become hard to look anybody in the eye). Not every personality fits together and this is why we need to know how to properly avoid people. I have developed a wonderful system for avoiding the annoying.

Here goes...

Step 1: Pie in the Sky
The primary source of human interaction is eye contact. If you've ever walked into a hallway and found yourself making incidental eye contact with the co-worker who can't stop talking the cats that inhabit her safari like home, quickly avoid this person by redirecting your eyes to something on the ceiling or wall. "Oh look a black widowed spider holding a martini."

Step 2: Here boy. Fetch!
Most times a persistent fat bastard won't easily be fooled by a redirecting eye and you will have to interact in some form. This is when you use the misdirection technique. "Oh hey Bob. I heard they're handing out free doughnuts in the park. Hurry quickly before the police decide to shut it down confiscate them." Your tubby friend will more than likely be too distracted by the idea of fresh pastry goods to annoy with his great adventures of chicken pot pies and earning the highest level on World of Warcraft with the expansion package.

Step 3: Do the Heisman on the...
The greatest action to avoid interaction is a reaction. There are several ways to use this step. Some more violent than others. The more simple action is the side step. Begin by heading straight toward the prick with a blank stare on your face and as soon as you get close, step to the side, and continue on your path in one motion. Now a more effective form of this step is to extend your arm toward the guys face making sure the palm of your hand makes contact with his cheek bone. A good performance is when you hear a slapping noise. Disclaimer: the more violent you get with this step the more you want to make sure you deliver a good knock out.

These are three simple steps but there are many more.

you make me earl.

I just went back to the disappointing facebk and I almost earled. I guess before I left I decided to join several groups that have now spammed the hell out of my inbox. I'm getting poked by random broads I have no idea who they are. And I realized why I don't want to see pictures of people I hardly talk to, people I never knew yet they are in my friends list, and the up to date status of every hour, minute, second of someones life. I hate you facebk. You are the definition of sell out in the new millennium.

How the hell did I get an email about a poke when I know I turned all my email notifications off? Facebk is like the pestering guy down the street who just don't take no, a beat down, and an attempt to run him over; serious.

Gimme a cane, red suspenders, and a pocket full of change

A sign that I'm getting old is when I have a plumbing problem and I have to call some to fix it. No I'm not talking about digestive plumbing. I got a kitchen sink that just stopped sinking.

Usually I get my grown man on and just get on my knees to go at it for 4 hours but this time I'm too tired. Now there's two guys in my home jamming a snake down a tube virgorously and loudly. While watching them sweat and trying to avoid the glance of plumbers butt , I just can't imagine doing it myself anymore.

Good luck to them. Sounds like an impossible task. I hope they have some good solution to pour. Mean while I gotta pee and I'm wondering if I flush will that spray them in the face? (might be my only chance to piss in a white guys face. You know you've thought about it).
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

You gonna take a left. Then you gonna take another left. Then you gonna take one more left to get back here and ask me again.

I have a terrible sense of direction. Its inherited. I remember many a road trips with my father getting lost with written directions in hand. When I first moved to atl I drove with one knee because my hands were holding a map against the windshield.

I wish there were up to date maps with key markers like "you gonna pass three mickey dees. The last one gonna be selling the McRib for a limited time. Stop in and get you one, then go out the back way and take a left. " I know gps has solved all our problems but I've yet to remember to set my trip in advance. So only after I have been in circles three times do I stop and punch in the right route. And now I can't stop at a gas station because the first thing they say is "que? Non gps?"

And what happens when my battery runs out? I'm trying to guess how long I have left before I'm back to the stone age and trying to find the big dipper.

How do you directional inclined people do it? Are yall just cheating with a compass written on the back of your hand? Am I just not paying attention? Talk to me. And if you have time I'm on the side of the road so come pick me up.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I'm exhausted.

I'm in the process of cleaning and rearranging my parents house. I'm visiting home for a week and everybody is working so I have nothing to do. Why did I decide to tell my parents I would paint multiple rooms, clean multiple yards and change a carpet? Part of me feels I'm obligated to do this because I haven't been good at coming back home and staying with my parents.

But I need a break. I feel like a slave on the first day of cotton picking. Just on some oh hell naw!

I discovered something else about me. I don't like to complete things I do and I get it from my pops. There so many projects he has started in this house and never quite finished. If its a paint job the trim is unfinished. If its a game room a wall is incomplete.

I think I decided to help around the house to teach me something. First to finish the mess my father left and to complete every project I start. So I can't stop now. There's something to learn here. Its all in the details.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Life is not in love

A very important lyricists of this time has commented on the universal rule of life. "a woman's life is love; a man's love is life" (c) phonte of little brother. Every society has bread their women to love a man and life will be fulfilling. Men are raised to seize life by the balls and demand success. Many men fail at life but every woman is still expected to find a man to love. These rules seemed to work until women decided they wanted to feel the balls of life as well. This has upset the balance of the universe. For you see, no one is holding the heart of life.
Now life no longer feels love; only his balls our being juggled between men and women. Since women are aiming to make more money and have more power, men that fail at success have nothing left to do after letting go of life's bowling balls. Men do not know how to care for a heart. Sure there are doctors that know the mechanics but to keep the warmth of love flowing through the body of life is incomprehensible.
Women you must return to caring for the heart. You may not think it is important because your work is not hard or flashy. Love comes natural to you. Men look to you for the definition of love. You are the best at keeping life's heart flowing with love. You must not step out of your role or I fear life will immaturely ejaculate its seeds of knowledge and our society will become too weak to move and fall asleep in a wet spot of crushed dreams.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Behaviors of the ruling and trapped

Take a step back and analyze the behaviors of man. I think you'll discover that most relationships are of a prisoner and guard. If you've ever heard of the experiment of the prisoner and the guard then you should know where I'm going with this. There is a ruling class in every society. This class uses tools to keep the rest in a prisoner mind state. These tools follow simple procedures that manipulate the mind: humiliation, religion, and repetition.
Do we not set certain goals only because its tradition? Are we not afraid of our appearance in society so we do what ever we can to keep up with the jones? Doesn't religion force you to follow laws that go against your desires and emotions?
The animal is a behavioral being; living according to instincts and basic survival needs. Why as humans have we strayed from this type of life? Wouldn't life be simple? Wouldn't silly emotional diseases be of no use? Let us make our own decisions by what makes us happy and suffer the consequences on our own.
Instead our minds are imprisoned. We don't think for ourselves. We believe in what these so called laws are providing. Peace, right? I mean there no wars and everyone is so wealthy, right?
Do you really think society would be unbearable if we behaved with our instincts rather than tradition?
Free your mind.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

true!

*steps up on soapbox*

"love yourself before you cut yourself"

Fat people! Yes I'm talking to you holding the doughnut. Fat people! before you go under the knife and suck the fat out of your back, shrink your stomach, or do anything new and extreme to lose weight; make sure you love yourself first. I'm watching this True Life: I'm uncomfortable with my new body and it is confirming everything I believed about people who want to do drastic surgery.

When you have unnecessary medical treatment for the appearance which you created without any control, you will NOT be happy. Anyone who has had treatment and considers oneself as being happy is lying. That person is just waiting for the next opportunity to change another thing about his or her self.

Listen accept yourself. That means understand your lifestyle, your actions, your decisions; understand you. Sure you might want to look a certain way or behave in another way but pay attention to what you actually do in every circumstance. You want to loose weight but when you're hungry you eat excessively. You want to be popular but when you are out you don't talk much. Just accept it and stick to what makes you happy.

*steps off soapbox and asks the fat guy if he has more doughnuts*

Krispy Kremes b!tch

the inside job

the last night before I went back to Atlanta, I had my whole room packed and ready to go. Three days before, I was away on a trip to Dallas for two days and I told my roommates I would be leaving when I got back.

I go to bed around midnight ready to leave Norman in the morning and spend the day with my girl during 4th of July. Sleep falls upon me very quickly from the exhaustion of packing and the excitement of barbecue food for a whole day, then suddenly I hear a noise. In less than a second I decipher the noise to be from my window shades and my window was closed.

I jump straight up to a sitting position facing my window to see a black figure holding my window shade halfway from its base and my window completely open. Hearing no sound but my alertness upon the bed, the dark figure drops the shade and runs away.

What happened? Was it a dream? Was I hallucinating? Did I almost just get Ezheal'd (*Friday reference)? I step lightly to window. Alert if the perpetrators decided to come back and finish the job. My window was wide open. My screen was lying on the concrete floor. My laptop was sitting right next to the window along with my hard drive. Nothing stolen but the deep sleep and the expected dreams.

For the next hour with the light on, I pondered. I'm on the second floor. I don't keep my window or my shades open. They didn't steal my laptop that was sitting right next to my window. What in the world just happened? Were they trying to get into the room? If so for what? To hurt me? I hardly know anybody. Who would want to do that? What did they want?

The thoughts rambled on. I was led to an assumption, this was an inside job. How much of a coincidence was it that on my last night this happened? When I was away for two days with my window unlocked, my front door unlocked (the roommates never locked it), my bedroom unlocked and on the night that I'm there (the last night), someone decides to climb through my window. This had to have been planned by someone who knew something about me. And I've always heard that most crimes being committed is by someone you know.

*Just so you know what reference was.

The Cleveland Show

http://www.zshare.net/video/620914104b4d02e4/

The pilot is hilarious. I hope this means more work for black actors. Real black actors not just Tyler Perry's crew.

Ohhhh! Chef Boyar G's new batch of hate.

chef's choice: Escape From Cubicle Nation

so while attempting to escape from dull life in Atlanta: unemployed, unmotivated, and dissatisfied; I went in search for some inspirational reading to help me become my own boss. I hit the Barnes and Noble business section and just started browsing the books for entrepreneurs. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know which book was right for me. Some of the books look like textbooks from school that I despised and others looked like entrepreneurship for dummies.

Then I found Escape From Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim.


At first I thought, this doesn't look like a serious book. Maybe I shouldn't waste my money. But then I thought, I have no idea where to start and I have fears that I shouldn't be thinking about entrepreneurship anyways, so why not have something lightweight in jargon. Then I looked at the cover because I do judge actual books by their covers, and I saw the people poking their heads out like groundhogs and thought, that's exactly how I felt when I had a job. I was too scared peek out of my own dull existence and see my shadow of disappointment.

So I bought the book. Yes I bought it for the cover but this time I wasn't disappointed at all. After a good read, I realized this book was just for me. Great inspirational quotes, lots of resources, lots of real life examples, and great motivational tools. Escape From Cubicle Nation was a great start. It didn't teach me everything I needed to start a business plan but it help get my fears out of the way by giving me real life expectations and much needed stepping stones. Pamela is straight forward in delivering achievable action steps that will get you one step closer to your tipping point.

move forward

one of the famous quotes my father used to say after watching me play a soccer game is, "you haff to move forward!" It never made any sense to me because I played defense. But nowadays I find myself using that as the answer as to why I need to take risks. I need to move forward.

I'm back in Atlanta. Back from my "extended vacation". What I really feel is that it wasn't a vacation at all but an answer to my prayers. I was looking for something or someone to motivate me and I did. I found someone to give me purpose and a new place to keep me interested. The risk worked out and I'm happy. So why am I still scared?

Is it wrong to find happiness? That's what we are all looking for right? Either someone to be happy with or things to keep us happy. I've found one if not possibly two of those things. So why do I still fear this risk won't work out and I will fail? I keep thinking that I should abandon the idea of starting a business and just rely on a regular job. Give up my happiness in an uncharted land and stick with my roots.

But, (and I quote) "Everything that I have done up till now has been unsuccessful. Its time to try something else" (okay that was a paraphrase from Pamela Slim Escape From Cubicle Nation). I need to put my fears aside, rely on God, and the warm bubbly feeling inside (I hope is not just gas). And I need to follow the line of my father, which will probably be a title of a book one day, I need to move forward.

Plus if I wasn't scared I probably wasn't doing anything right in the first place. The funny thing is that my father has been asking me to come back home. Sorry pops. You raised a good boy who was taught to listen to his parents. I gotta keep going. I need to move forward.

life can be so... "SQUIRREL!"

i don't want to get distracted. I'm in full force mode in life and I would hate for something to happen to discourage or distract me from where I need to get to. I feel like that dog on the movie "Up" who in the middle of talking has to stop and notice a squirrel. Sure to a dog the squirrel is something to chase and have fun with but will it really help it to accomplish his goal of being the best dog it can be. No. I understand I must have some fun and I want to have fun more than feel like I'm working but I don't want to waste time.

The real problem is that I have gotten great at wasting time. I've always been a shy kid and a loner so inevitably I've created time wasting activities to help me get through the day. This is bad if I want to be a business owner. I have to learn to be active in the right ways and if I'm wasting time it should be helpful in some way.

That's why I'm off of facebook (*pause* here comes a facebook rant so brace yourself). Facebook teaches me nothing. I don't care about people I don't care about so why do I need to know that such and such is enjoying an ice cream at two o'clock in the morning. At least my other time wasting sites offer bits of information or news. For instance verysmartbrothas.com teaches me how to be a better man and the ten top movies I should have seen by now. Okayplayer.com provides me with music I love and people that love it too. Even Kanye West's blog kanyeuniverscity.com has cool design stuff (shameless plugs over). But facebook gives me nothing. Sure they say its a great way to network. But does anybody really talk about important things on there anymore. No. Because soon they will own you and everything you put on the site. (Rant over. I feel like I said this before).

What's really funny is that this blog is distracting me as we speak (well I speak you browse for something worth reading). But at least this blog teaches me something about myself. One thing I've learned is that I want to see the movie "Up".

you left a stinky trail

i just discovered that if you google my old alias I found a trail of embarrassing youtube clips, blackplanet pages, comments on random boards, and a string of other things I did when I was bored and had a job. Man the internet sucks. Not only that but my old alias was part of my email address that I have been giving out to employees for an interview. So what does that mean, when I went in for a particular interview she made a reference to a video I made years ago that included me being intoxicated (this was just for fun). I didn't fully realize the reference at the time of the interview. All I could think of is, "Hey I made a video about that." A week later it dawns on me. I google the alias and guess what number my incriminating video shows up as: #4. How embarrassing.

Well you live and you learn. I've deleted most of the old stuff with that alias and I will now give a different email for business purposes. The internet sucks for that though because the average person doesn't go online as a professional. They go to fool around and waste time. Plus any video, picture, blog entry made was at a different time in my life but a random reader won't take the time to view the time-stamp and say, "well that was years ago. I'm sure he has changed."

So from now on I will be referred to as chefBoyarG on this blog. I'm still cooking with grease. Its a shame that my most unprofessional moments can't be viewed as attempts to release my creative energy. I'm proud of my creativity. It's what makes me special and I wanted to share it with the world. Unfortunately the fat cats have sticks up their butts.

INC

I'm starting a new business and I need a target market. A specific market. I can work with just anybody because I lose the focus I need to work for the right people. Plus I hate working with people. I don't mind working for people but working with us tough because I'm a do it my way or no way type of person. There's nothing worst than spending your time to complete a project with my own expertise than having some amature decide they can change or have input on something. Sounds terrible doesn't it? But that's how I feel.
I Ve figured that the type of people I want as a client is someone who wants in and out. No long term updates or continuing projects. Just a logo, a template and that's it. Now don't get me wrong I know I need to build relationships but I also want the new business to work on what I can give tham first before you decide I'm your new on the spot designer who likes calls at 3 am to design a flyer. Take the logo, take the template and are what works first. Then when you have a particular project come back to me with proof that it can work.
I dunno this is mostly hogwash. Most of it is fear. Starting a business is scary.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Tat tat tat tat it up

Getting a tattoo is like getting and extra piece of your soul attached to your body. You should think about it like that because it forever. Well you can zap it off but that's not the point. A tat should be something personal. Something that represent a part of you that not many people should know. That's right wear soul on your skin.

I'm not ready for my tat yet. But I have an idea of what it will be. I feel bad cause I made a promise not to get a tat but things done changed and the dead don't mourn. My new life must be marked on me before the breast comes.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Outkast was right

you need to get up, get out, and do something
You'll never make it if you never even try

But just because you are trying doesn't mean you'll win. That's the hard part. Sometimes you are just not allowed to do your brilliant idea. I mean legally. When you start to think about it though, this is the land of the free (America's slogan, right?) but not the free to do what you want without paying the man (yeah I know he is black now but he's still "top cop").

So if you get this ingenious idea to sell something, you first gotta pay for a license, pay for a place to sell, pay for marketing, damn near pay for protection. That's right, you're stepping into gang territory. That's what it feels like. I'm trying to make just some extra cash for myself but before I can do all that I have to pay so many people before I see a dime. That's capitalism folks. You pay rent to these bullies who stand behind a legal system and call it fair.

I'm moving to Brazil and living off the river.

my soul is a mess

when you begin transforming your life, you can feel like your soul is a mess. You know how people do soul searching, yeah well mine is a mess. There are just things that I believed deep down in my soul that aren't even true. So in the process of changing those things, life experiences get miss placed, dreams get misinterpreted, and your role in society is reassigned. All these things make up a soul or what I believe is the inner core of oneself.

So now, I have to clean up that mess. Put things where they should have been. Throw out the garbage that has plagued me from the beginning. I need to fung shway my soul.

Does someone know the number to extreme makeover?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Eighth wonder

I find it interesting that my ideas and actions aren't being contested like they used to. If people eventually knew they would let me figure things out on my own then why all the harassment from the start? Nowadays I feel like I can do whatever I want and there is no better freedom than that. Now all I worry about is what will truly make me happy. I'm close to understanding what that is. The question now is whay is it going to be like getting there and how will it feel?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

life as a Sooner

that's right. I've changed locations to Norman, OK. Tornado country, Soonerville, Indian Reservations, and jaw-jacking white folk. I'm spending the summer here with my girlfriend. Glee! (like a little school boy). I'm in a impulse mood right now. I'm willing to try everything and anything until I get to where I need to be. Where that is I don't know but I know some things that I will need. $$$$That do-lo$$$$ So if you catch me selling salt to snail don't be surprised. Its better than selling illegal stuff (which is still crossing my mind. Why doesn't everybody sell illegal stuff if it makes so much money?). You know you've thought about it too!

Worst air ride ever

I already hate flying so its even worst when I have a bad flight. First of all you have to carry all your luggage that's awkwardly shaped and scratches your left thigh every time I take a step. Now for those with rollers screw you. You need the exercise anyway.
But the worst part of today flight was that the airplane did a marathon lap around the airport before taking off an hour late. So when I get to my layover I'm too late and have to take the next flight in three hours.
BULLOCKS!
I finally get on the plane and I'm delayed again because the engine needs air to start. What you say? That s right air. The molecule that surrounds us. Which also means there is not air inside the plane in ninety degree weather. Sounds like fun right?
But someone finally farts some air into the engine and we are on our way but wait there's more.
Some guy sitting behind me (he's white) decides to tell the extra friendly male flight attendant something that causes him to get all upset and demand an apology or else he'll kick him off the plane. Boy oh boy. To that the old white man reply, "Screw you."
*sigh* I love white people.
Now threatened the attendant calls for back up and we have to wait for the guy to apologize before the plane can leave. Aint that something. Worst air ride ever!


Except for that one time my brother decided to throw me off the porch.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Swine flu is what your mama called you.

I'm not surprised that once again we have to be scared of something in america. Its like they found a strategy to distract us long to get away with some bull spit (the economy isn't fixed yet people. Recognize game!). Swine flu hasn't killed no more than seven people in the world. "the world Craig!" I see that they found the first person who spread the flu and its a kid. If the flu couldn't kill a kid then what the hell are we scared about? Its just a flu. If it was a disease then I could understand equating the word "pandemic" with this situation. But. Its. Just. A. Flu.
Does cnn really have to tell me to stay in bed if I catch the flu? Is there nothing else going on in the world that you have to advise me to drink more fluids? Something isn't right. I hope the dark ages do come soon cause we need to reevaluate what's important. Wake the eff up!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

i ain't asking to pass GO

i'm back "home" (a state of mind if you ask me), in ATL. Its only been a couple of days I feel like its I've already over stayed my welcome. Its time to go. A funny feeling came over me when I walked through the door on Sunday evening. It felt like disappointment. Go figure.

I was glad old Besty (aka green eyed bandit, my car) made it back home. I was on cruise control the whole way listening to Raheem Devaughn and pretending I was in a band. The whole time though I was worried that my tires would pop like last time or the squeaking noise from the brakes would be more than I thought. Every bump on the road made my heart beat harder.

After everything, the trip was great. Not that I did much but I learned a whole lot and that is what is important to me in these days. Its easier to apologize than to ask permission.

Now give me my $200!

on the road again

it was Sunday afternoon. I was talking to a friend but really just thinking about what am I going to do this week while unemployed and have nothing left to accomplish since my portfolio is done. I couldn't think of anything. Then I started to think about a new philosphy I recently heard thanks to my brother: Ask better questions.

You see in life we ask a lot of questions: what am supposed to be? what am I supposed to do next? how do I get that weasel out of my wall? But those questions always have the same answer (for the weasel you just call an exterminator). So ask a better question tommorrow and stick with the answer.

Back to Sunday. My better question is how am I going to figure out what motivates me? Because that's my main problem is lack of motivation. The answer to that question is doing things that I like. This envitably went to what do I like? Easy: music, travel, design, etc. So at about 3 pm on Sunday I told myself, I love to travel right? Mainly because I like to see new things. So why not do it. Right now. Carpe Deim. So with the help from my friend on the phone (thanks friend) and a friend in North Carolina who's about 6 hrs (thanks buddy), I packed a couple bags hopped in my car and bolted.

I'm in NC now. Chillin. No real strong plans just calling them how I see it. I've only been here for a day and I've seen more country then I've ever seen in my life. This is a good thing. Don't care for it but still a good thing.

right of passage

i've been thinking.

You know how every boy challenges his father at some point in their teens? When I become a father, I'm gonna challenge my son on his 13th birthday. I'm gonna take him to the woods, hand him a knife while I'm holding a rifle, and tell him this is the time when we find out how much of a man you want to be. Then start counting to ten.

I figure this will be a lasting memory when he decides to go against my wishes years later. And if he still decides to challenge me, we going back to the woods. This time he'll wake up to me counting to ten, along with a gun cock.

oh what a feeling.... to be young

last night i was socially raped by some women.

In an effort to stay young and keep my mind off the boredom of being unemployed, I checked out this new club that opened in the south side ATL. Its a decent enough club but nobody was really enjoying themselves (aka the girls weren't shaking their booties hard enough). So I'm making my selections of who I'm willing to get rejected by and stumble upon a group of older chicks. I'm dancing with one but she ain't bumping and grinding. She calling her other friends to come sandwich me. That's cool. Hey at one point I was surrounded by four good looking girls. That made me smile.

Then they turned on me. (cue in horror movie sound) So they start rubbing my hair and I'm thinking, whoa violation! I know its silky smooth but you crossing a line here. Then they start grabbing and then spanking! I started having flashbacks of being whooped in my younger years. And nobody was helping me. Usually when a dude is surrounded by more than one woman other dudes come to help out (its called counter-action). But no. I was being mauled by these women. I was being socially raped.

Lesson learned:
If you start off with rum don't switch to henny.

some people need this right now

Drake - So Far Gone

Classic.

I haven't bumped an album on repeat for so long now. This dude is laying down tight flows over dope beats. "Successful" is number one on repeat. It speaks so much for people that just want to make it in a dark tone. The bonus track is just cherry. In these days that question comes up all the time with the opposite sex. Dopest line is from "Say Whats Real": "Cuz I just see my ex-girl standing with my next girl standing with the girl that I'm fucking right now"

Download approval:
http://www.getrightmusic.com/2009/02/13/drake-so-far-gone/

xbox gamertag

"SURVIVE TO KILL"

shooting the sheeit.

i've been going to the courts when I get really bored and need to get out the house. Basically I shoot free throws and then from the top of the key. I think I'm getting better. I've focused my muscles during a shot and worked on my follow thru. My shot is getting nice. I feel like I'm getting ready for some tournament or something but not really. I've discovered I need to strengthen my lower back. It hurts like a mug after 20 shots.

another realization is that I've got a huge belly. Too many beers man. Now I gotta look at my big belly ass in the mirror every day. I wish I was just prego and it would go away in 9 months. No Homo! (if anyone knows how to lose a beer belly, let me know)

Lastly, Jimmy Fallon show, sucks! Sorry Roots Crew. You got put on a sinking ship. Dude is just not funny. The writers my just be horrible but his delivery is weak as well. I miss Conan. Hey! Where is Conan? When is he taking over?

great moments in history

can't help but think these days. I'm unemployed.

Is your life a collection of great moments or great moments in a collection of bad ones? The question is not that profound. Either way you know that all people have bad moments and great moments. But if you focus only on the great moments does being in a bad moment seem frivolous and unimportant? Life is just a bumpy road. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. Enjoy it all.

cabin fever

i've been trapped in my own home. Being at home for days upon days is something I never thought I would hate. I didn't go out everyday when I did have a job but just being out of the house was something I didn't realize was so important to my sanity. Even the simple act of buying fast food is something I miss. I don't hate cooking, I just like the ease of pre-cooked food.

I think I've never been so focused on my design before. This is the positive of my cooped up days. The shock of being unemployed is still wearing off but I'm definitely focused.

thanks for your patience

i love not being in customer service anymore. I don't have to kill 'em with kindness. I can just kill it.

If I design, or give advice to anyone in the future and I see that they don't appreciate it, I'm going to end the agreement or conversation immediately. I'm not wasting time anymore (unless it comes with a beer and a good movie). The only way I'll continue to listen to nonsense is if money has been fronted to me to do a job. No dollo no mojo.

I hate the salesmen type. They have nothing but their words. Even what they offer isn't theirs, but they feel that they can barter with it. Get the f*ck outta here with that. I've just learned a valuable lesson: I have a price.

Joy! (geeked like a little school girl)

And its all about the principle. There's princibalities in this.

first date feelings

when Adam and Eve shared that apple together, I think that was their first date. I know that whole event has a negative feeling because it took them from paradise and separated the human race from God but think about it at love's stand point. When Adam took the bite it was like he was saying, "Girl, I'm with you to the end. Lets ride or die this bitch" (ebonically interpreted). And how could he resist? God made the most beautiful being on earth for him and he's supposed to say no to her? I don't think so. God set Adam up for a purpose. The Devil just used it as an advantage.

Side bar: why do we call it The Devil and not just Devil? We call God, God without "The". Think about it.

I just think that maybe we should celebrate that moment more often. What if at a wedding the couple takes a bite out of a apple at the same time to signify that we are taking a risk together in this life? And its not like the apple is the bad symbol. Its the fruit of knowledge from the tree of life (I think that's how it goes).

Message to future wife: we eating an apple after our vows. I'm starting a new trend.

gsmooth Radio presents First Date Feelings
Podcast coming soon.

music makes me high

I've created some podcasts. Having trouble making them mp3s but for now if you have itunes I believe you can listen to these.

gsmoothRadio.m4a
http://www.divshare.com/download/6399723-bb5

MidnightClouds.m4a
http://www.divshare.com/download/6399724-b9c

Last Words

See you at the top.

And that's where I plan to be.

its time for change

this year will be about change (Obama got niggas feeling it). The biggest change I hope to achieve is accepting who I am. I think the reason why I'm ever nervous or doubtful is that I imagine myself as someone else or I compare myself too much. I know who I am and what I like and don't like; its time I accept it and love it. Sure I'm a solo cat. But put me in any room and I can charm the hell out of it. I also wear glasses so I look less cool and too smart for most people (that's right, I am). My confidence is more arrogant than proud. My feeling is I'm the right guy at the right time. A great addition to any party. I'll add insight, intelligence, and enlightenment. I'm the guy that covers the details.

lost without you (c)Robin Thicke

it only took about an hour but I'm officially bored again
I gotta focus.
Not just on the amazing evenings of the past but the upcoming days of the future
the endless search of love is not in the discovery,
(Because no one ever unveils its true smile)
But in the endless search where love continues to remain.

all G, all the time

I've decided to wear glasses all the time. No more contacts. No more trying to fit the social norm. Next year I'm going to get a second pair of fashionable glasses and just start collecting. I'm going to the club in glasses, dates with glasses, accepting all awards with glasses.

I remember the first time I got glasses in seventh grade. I wasn't ashamed of them at first. I thought it made me look sophisticated and older. So when I walked into my homeroom with my fresh pair on and got laughed at by my friends I was more than surprised and embarrassed. But I had to wear them; I couldn't see. After a while it just became who I was. I loved wearing them with a suit on Sunday. I felt classy.

Now I'm older and I don't care what anybody thinks I look like. I know I look like a G. So that's who I'll be: all G, all the time.

we in a recession B!tch

i wondered how this recession business was going to effect me personally. I figured it wouldn't bother me that bad. I'm black. I know how to live on $6 per week. This will be easy. The biggest thing I've noticed is the price on products have gone up but gas is going down so it's evening out. What really hurts is the liquor tax. Makes me not want to drink anymore. That sounds like a good thing right.

i just hope that the plans I have for next year can get accomplished. My biggest fear is layoffs. My company plans to ditch 30,000 people. Not the right time to ask for a raise. Hopefully though by this time next year, my assets will be thick, my mercedes will be fly, and I will have realized my full potential in life.

A change goin' come (c)Sam Cooke

reflectionnnnn!!!!

aight so I stopped drinking for the month of december. Its like lent for me. Really though, i'm just want new years to be extra special drunk. Third dimension drunk. The problem is, being sober for a month is tough. Man I didn't realize how much I was relying on being drunk after work in order to feel free for just a moment through out me days. The hard part is the taste. Man can I taste a beer right now. But I've been holding strong. I feel an addiction is just a learned behavior. Its like learning how to drive or something. It becomes so innate, like you don't have to think about it. Think if you didn't drive anywhere for a month and just walked or biked. You'd miss the laziness. And really that is what drinking is all about for me, laziness. Whenever I come home and drink I feel good for 20 minutes and then fall asleep. That's the ultimate feeling of laziness. Damn codependency.

very simple

you set a goal and want nothing else. your ultimate goal maybe greater and much more significant but achievement of the primary goal is of the utmost importance.

I got 4. I'm feeling good.

ahhhh. *puts feet up*

i had a healthy day of nothing. No plans, no work, no stress. Just got up this morning, worked the shits out (drinking last night), watched dave chappelle season one, cooked, cleaned, cut my hair, and played video games. Yup. Today was a good day.

I say this because I joined a gym last week and have yet to step back into the bitch. My alarm clock is set, my schedule is made, but my heart is not in it. I don't know what got me motivated last time because right now, on my off days (which are few) I don't want to do nothing except zone out: enjoy what I like, take it easy, and don't worry about the usual stress of the day.

a knock knock and a ding dong

lately I've been getting strange people knocking at my door at strange hours: eight in the morning, nine at night; I don't know these people! So I stopped answering the door. I'm not expecting anybody, I don't know anybody, the people I talk to in Georgia have no idea where I live. I have roommates so at first I answered the door because it might be for them. Maybe a pizza man, maybe a female friend, maybe a package that I need to sign for; no more. If I'm not expecting something or someone I'm not getting up for random people. I don't care if they can hear my tv playing or see me through my window. I ain't getting up.

Unfortunately there is side effects. I feel like I'm trapping myself from the outside world. Like I'm purposely being unsocial. But what are the odds that some beautiful woman will open the door and offer free sex? Slim to none right? So its not me being unsocial, I just don't want to be bothered.

So stop ringing my doorbell, knocking on my door, trying to get me out of my couch. If you need me call me. Otherwise, I ain't your friendly neighborhood black man. Leave me alone.

pump... you up!/Obama Wins!

i joined a gym today. I feel like its just fat tax. Will I go for the three months I signed up for? Who knows. The only good thing is that I talked with a trainer (who tried to sell me protein shakes) and took a physical assessment. So I know where I am (out of shape) and I know where to go.

The amazing thing is that I have to eat five times a day and that my previous two times is dangerous. Five times?! That sounds like work. Eating has become my mood relaxer: one big meal then sleep like it'll be my last. Now I have a schedule of when I should snack and have a meal, what I should eat, how much; this is too much.

Once again the goal is to lose 20lbs of gut and thigh. I also need to lower sodium intake. The trainer showed me a chart that said I'm in a red level of heart attack risk. Well that's not good.

:::::OBAMA WINS:::::

Alright so history was made last night. I almost cried but I stiffened up quick. During the Barack's speech all I could do is squeeze and squeal because all I could think of is, "Please don't shoot him. Please. Not in front of the kids, his wife, and Oprah." I'm sorry. People have been telling me to stop saying that, stop joking about it but sadly history never changes people. They killed Lincoln, Kennedy, King, Malcom, Jesus. Anyone trying to do some good in this world has a early death sentence. So as excited as I am that times are changing in USA, I'm scared for Obama's life and his family. I don't think anybody should disagree with me.

But let's do this though. I'm talking to black people. Tighten up. Work hard. Make sure this period in your life is the best it can be. Because we have to make an overdue statement. The Civil Rights was the last time we made the world listen, now their ears are open. Lets tell them what we want and its not too far from what they want so it won't be hard for them to understand. In other words:

Black people don't f_ck this up!!

blissful ignant shit

i don't want to learn nothing new
i don't want to hear nothing new
i don't want to see nothing new

I just want that ol' time good stuff
That backyard, climbing trees stuff
That passing notes in the hallway stuff

i've learned what I could
and all I got was this lousy moment of life
for'git it. I just want some blissful ignant shit.

::::::::::

Just at this moment I'm feeling like maybe I just need to do something new: kickboxing, yoga, read a book, learn a instrument, etc. But then I think of all the frustration I'll have to go through to do stuff like that. First the money, then the time, then the focus; haven't I learned enough? I'm just looking for a distraction from work while I figure out how to get out of the bloody thing. But learning something new would just add more frustration. Why can't what I already know be enough?

making it to work

if you wanna know how I'm feeling
just take a look at how i stand
when I'm slouched to the front I'm unhappy
when my chest is sticking out I'm a man
each day is a different exact day of the first
you know what I'm talking about while sitting in traffic
i wish a meteor would crash down in front of me
so I could say something interesting just happened
like how i saved Susie from being crushed by a tree
while ducking hot flaming rocks and squeezing between cars
only to still make it work on time for the meeting
pour me some coffee, grab me a cookie from the cookie jars
i just wanna know that something else is going to happen today
so while I'm sitting at my desk filing these papers
and Bob from account comes over asking about expense reports
I can say, "Later! I've got to sharpen these knives and kill the ninja in the elevator."

i'm a ninja bitch!

I miss my xbox.

unfit world

So I take a test for a promotion. Its a personality assessment, you know: what would people say about you, what's your strongest attribute, how well do you work with people. In the end of a 105 question assessment i get the message that I'm unfit for the position. WTF? I'm unfit for my jeans cuz i drink too much but unfit for the job that I'm already doing on top of the other jobs I have to do because the brand spanking new employees have no idea what to do, makes no sense to me.

I can't tell you how frustrated and disappointed I am. I was honest and that's what failed me. Had I lied and chose the best answer for every question I'd make more money right now but because I wanted to see what honesty would bring me; I failed. I guess corporate thinks that if I don't think that I am the highest and best person they can hire they won't bother hiring me. Being human doesn't matter.

I can't help but think that this is just another sign that I don't deserve this crap. I need to do this career thing on my own. Answer to nobody. Kiss no ass. Fuck the man. I just gotta save up enough to do that.

morning tea

i grew up on tea. Moms first introduce me to coffee when I was seven years old. Thinking back now she was crazy. She had me running around with all this caffeine at such a young age. No wonder why I wasn't as big as my brothers. Then she started buying tea, Lipton tea (which to this day, as I type I'm still drink). My favorite thing about tea in the morning is the phrase my mom used to say every winter, "here drink some tea so you can heat your core." This is roughly translated from the kreole phrase, "shofay coh". I can't spell in kreole either. But every time I drink tea I think about how the liquids heat up my insides.

I've grown to love other teas as well but nothing brings me back to home then lipton tea. That and hot chocolate. That's all I will drink for christmas.

dreaming...

i've been having paralysis type dreams (when you are frozen still: can't move, can't speak, and everything seems real even the people in your dream). The last two out of three nights I've been stuck in my dreams, literally. Ever since that study I went to in college about sleep paralysis and how common it is in Caribbean folk, I've had these dreams more and more. I don't like it. I'm the type of dreamer that has total control. I fly in my dreams, dream myself out of dreams, control other people in dreams. I can't be paralyzed in my dream while someone antagonizes me. Its not a good feeling. Could these dreams mean I'm losing control of my own life?

Damn it to heck!

trustworthy?!

so you ask me to trust you but you give me no reason. Then you say, you trust me so I should trust you. That's the exact reason why I don't trust you: you put your trust in someone that has trust issues. I perform to the best of my ability but I know i'm bound for mistake. And when that happens you start to mistrust me. Should have never trusted me in the first place.

untrustworthy.

*points at you with a stinky face*

i'm going back to not caring about work. Life was better than. I got more important things to worry about than will I get a talking to for not getting my referrals today. The problem is whether or not I get my referrals I will get a talking to, so who gives a damn!

More important things are getting some new clients for logos. Its free for now but soon I'm coming after all the pennies in your piggy bank. Its time people. The man has had too many of my sweat and tears. I'm gonna get mine. Yessur!

i want my swagger back

its my birthday!!! so of course I'm looking at old pictures and reminiscing about the good times, bad times, oh and I'm drunk off my mind and can't figure out why I'm cold times.

So while questing through my history, I feel a sense of something lacking from my life currently. My swagger. Who stole it? I want it back and I want it back now!

Since it is 4 am eastern standard time I have to be truthful and honest. I know what took my swagger: work, alcohol, and the love of life. Alright I know how to deal with the first two, but the latter...

How can something so good for me be so wrong? Wanting and desiring more from life should be my sole motivation to keep my swagger up but sadly and with a lot of disappointments, life has stolen my swagger.

I wish life would let me borrow my swagger for one moment.



Oh and a stripper gave me this scripture the other day. John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Only in Atlanta.

when everything is done and said

weekends off consist of me making up do it yourself projects in order to make daily accomplishments. I've had this feeling lately at work, after realizing that I hate it so much, that I don't do enough when I'm not at work to really complain that I shouldn't be in the confined space. So these projects consist of gardening, building a shelf, painting my bathroom and bedroom with full insignia, cleaning the garbage disposal, organizing, and giving myself a haircut. All of that boiled down to 5 hours on Saturday morning.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!!!

So I watch movies a lot. I've especially enjoyed my netflix and the tv series that i rent. Its like I'm watching tv but not watching tv cuz there is no commercials and other crap to distract me like waiting a week for the next episode (hey birthday ideas here people pay attention). And of course when i get really bored. I create my own videos. That's why we are blogging today folks.

cheeba, cheeba yall

a moment of silence

yesterday I had an argument with a customer about such and such transaction. She felt that I didn't do the transaction the right way (her way) and was angry that I didn't want to do it over again. So the usual happens, "Let me speak to your manager." And the managers weren't there. No. First she asks me if I was the manager and I smiled and said no (pissed her off). So we do the back and forth and I'm keeping my composure (she's standing and I'm sitting down leaning against the desk with my hand supporting my head). She asks who the manager is and I tell her and then...

Silence.

Well it started as a pause, then a silence, then anticipation, then anxiety, then the staring game. It was the strangest feeling because that all came on me in a matter of seconds and when I realized the staring game started all I could think of is, "I wonder if there is something funny I could do at this moment."

You know how dogs show their teeth in a staring contest to show who is the alpha? I wish I could do that. Next time I'll hit them with the sit up straight, fold hands together, look straight into their eyes, and slowly turn my head sideways while opening my eyes (just like in the movies).

These people don't get it. Its just a job.

its not gucci...

its just me. And I've got my own gucci pattern. Let me know what you think as always.

I'm broke. I haven't been broke in a while. usually I've got this nice cushion to sit on that I do a good job of not touching except for emergencies but this week, I'm broke. They changed my payroll to bi-weekly, so that first week I'm cruising.

"yeh put it on my card, no worries. I just got a raise." The start of the second week and I'm down to my last dollars. I'll admit it, I got a little excited and decided to treat myself to things. But I never thought I would be this broke. Oh well. It just means its time to budget my expenses.

Cuz its all about the "dolla dolla bills yall." Wu-Tang had it right, C.R.E.A.M. In the U.S. that's all life is really about but they make it to seem like something. As if you really can just follow a dream and everything will fall into place and you'll be making enough money to buy a home and have 2.5 kids. Just follow your dreams little man. Forget that nonsense! Its all about making money in order to follow your dreams. You can't just be an artist anymore. You gotta have marketing in order to make a living or you are just that guy in the neighborhood that can do thangs.

Word of advice, "Get Money." Then worry about your dreams and accomplishments later. All the gangsta rappers are doing it.

organization

soooo.... I've been doing some organizing and I've decided to put my current work on Flickr. Right now its just logos and sketches but hey its a start. I don't think I'm ready for a full on website. Well the truth is I can never bring myself to finish one. Every time I think I have the look I need I think of a new one. So I'm using other sites to a least show what I can do.

check me out
Flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gmilard

Craigslist
http://atlanta.craigslist.org/crs/775281409.html

if anyone is looking for a good logo, hit me up.

BUT THIS IS A BLOG FOLKS. Back to blogging and not a promotional advertisement.

I painted my room red. You think I might go crazy over it. I keep thinking that I will imagine the color to be blood and become a serial killer in my sleep. No, you don't think so? I've yet to finish, so I've yet to sleep in it. Why I chose red in the first place? Its the color of passion, life, alertness. I want it to motivate me. I'm going to buy a shelving unit to put up all the work I haven't finished. That way, every morning I'll wake up to my work and hope to think about it more often. Cuz right now its in a corner of my dining area collecting dust and its an eye sore. Its my own work, isn't it ironic that its become an eye sore.

Fiber up. (yeah i said it, I needs my fiber to stay regular)

my conditioning has been conditioned

i like lightbrites. I know. I feel bad. I'm a rather pro black brother but when it comes to the ladies nothing turns my head like the light skin sista. And its strange cuz you might think that I probably like white girls too but I don't. I don't even notice them. Even the top models don't interest me. But when I see a lightbrite enter the room with them pretty eyes and smile, I get happy. I'm not hating on you dark to caramel skin sistas cuz I got love for all my black women, but something about the light skin. I guess I feel like I'm the field slave dreaming of getting with master's house slave. You know the one.

all there is left to do is pray

you heard it before. Drop to your knees in reverence to the Lord pray through the difficult times. A lot of people believe in prayer. Well add me to the list. To be honest, I don't pray that much, nor do I go to church. I've been having issues with the idea and the experiences of church. There is a sense of hopelessness and surrender. They even say surrender to the Lord. But I'm not one to give up so easily. I understand what is being said: putting your trust in the almighty rather than your own ideas or other humans; but I don't like the wording. I'm a competitive person so I like to think that I will always give it my all even if I lose. So let me not surrender to the Lord but ask him to be by my side as I face the many demons of this world. Like, if I was on the battlefield and the enemy has catapults, arrows, and gigantic beasts (for some reason my life battle is set in medeville days) but I have a sword that glows bright from God's wrath and with one blow I destroy a whole army. That's how I want to feel in church. My real issue is probably that I haven't found the right church.

Prayer is very important. Not for the mysterious power of miracles that people believe it possess but because it allows us to believe in ourselves. If you pray continuously for something, speak it to yourself over and over again; you have no reason not to believe. Its simple human nature actually. Think about it. What is the color blue? Its the color that your parents first told you the name of, then your teachers told you the same thing, then your peers agreed with them, so you begin to begin to believe the color is blue. Why, because you heard it over and over again.

So people lets pray. Let's pray to believe in ourselves; believe in good things happening; believe that this is the good life. With that I believe that I will be a great graphic designer. Check my page on Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/54552805@N00/sets/72157606443318136/

i've been told to love hip-hop

i've been asking mad questions lately about hip-hop and whether or not its worth listening to. My conclusion is I'm getting old. Hip-hop has always been about the young people. It is the voice for the youngins and new generation. I remember my hip-hop: the running man, vanilla ice, tmnt the movie, then I grew up with Blackstar, The Roots, Common. All the kids now that love the souljah boi, young bootsie, lil wayne will soon grow up and learn to listen to something more than funky dance music. So in essence, no one has to tell me to love hip-hop. I've been in love with hip-hop. Just because my hip-hop is not the same as yours doesn't mean we have to hate each other. I just love her for different reasons.

home again

brockton is my home and where I learned that... well I didn't learn much except 1+2=3 and i'm still iffy about that. But home is where I need to be at right now. Life in the A isn't all that its cracked out to be. I need a break. Being with fam and people that not only accept me for who I am but know who I am will be comforting. I want to make sure that I'm completely clear about life when I go back. Basically I want to show off: new clothes, new shoes, new attitude. People ask me about life in the A and i'm all about it being "nice!"

"And I don't need no hook for the shiiit!!!" (c) Jay-Z

chicken alfredo, 40hrs, lingerie party

i made chicken alfredo yesterday and it was scrumdumideahlicious. I think I'm getting better with cooking until someone asks me, "How's your cooking?" I can happily say, "No one's thrown up yet." And its always those people that have parents and grandparents that are licensed chefs and can cook their ass off. I feel like you just want to laugh at me when I say I steamed vegetables today. Don't be an asshole.

I've started working 40 hrs a week. Aaaarrrggghhhhhh!!!! The days are so long. I freaking live at work. Plus I hate most of the people at work for giving me such a hard time on how I talk. So I shut up. Then they say, "What's wrong? You're not talking." YOUUUU BITCH! YOUUU. I'm slowly learning that none of this is worth it. Now to figure out what is worth it.

A lingerie party. I just want to be a fly on the wall. It sounds sexy as hell. That's all.

And yall may not want to believe me but believe me its true.

a love/hate relationship

runners on your mark. Get set. Get out of bed and go running. So I've been running four mornings a week since March. I've gotten faster, stronger, and I go to sleep at 10:30 pm. Nothing else sums up the feeling of this part of my day then the new balance commercial: Love/Hate. I've been dying to get a pair of their shoes ever since I seen it. Its simple and describes everything I feel. Even the red is the exact color I feel while jogging 3 miles. The best thing that has happened is when I started sprinting. Boy I tell you I couldn't finish 3 laps before sprinting. My calves and shins were burning. My lungs were about to explode. Then I started sprinting. When you feel real pain from sprinting everything else is nothing. Now I can lap 3 with ease, sprint 3 and lap again 2 times. Its wonderful.

Now here is the terrible part. I'm outside and I love running outside rather than in the gym because of the constant change of scenery, the ease of running in front of my house and not get in my car to go work out, and it just feels natural. Just me and the road. But because I'm outside there are bugs. Bugs that crawl by your feet, fly into your eyes, your mouth. I just don't understand how there is more than 500 sq. ft. in the area, I take up about 2 sq ft. and a fly takes up .15 sq ft. How the hell does a bug find me and my nose to fly into. It doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping to continue running through the summer so that by my birthday I will have officially brought sexy back. I've lost 5 lbs so far. Not much but I'm only looking to lose about 15. Hopefully that will trim my gut.

assessment

Alright, lets re-assess what I've been doing. I'm "working on my portfolio" means I'm working on getting off the couch and concepting new things. I admit it, it should be done by now. I have no excuse. Bear with me ya'll.

I run 3 miles every morning on the street in front of my house (unless it rains, like today; its a love hate relationship). I also participated in my first walk for something (march of dimes). It was grueling. Atlanta is definitely not a walking city. There was no feeling of neighborhoods and friendly patrons. Just business building after building after highway after abandoned house and one big empty park. I miss Boston summers. I've also changed my eating habits. That means less fast foods and yes I have been eating corn (c) Friday (when Smokey was taking a dump and Eazell caught him).

I'm bitter while going to church. Yeh I'm back at a baptist church and I thought I might find a church buddy from work but I haven't heard from her since the first time we went. I'm bitter because I thought I'd be in a better position right now. I definitely thought I would have more money; based on childhood expectations and recent plans (both are disappointing me). So I'm wondering what the next move is.

I'm going to work now. You can see a youtube video about how I feel about that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ-VONi7ei0
Yeh nuff said.

get busy

Yeh The Legendary Roots Crew is back with Rising Down. I am waiting for the album in the mail like a kid on christmas eve. Meanwhile enjoy the videos.

discipline

that's what life is about. All the times your parents set rules and punishments for you, it was all about discipline. You can't keep your job without it. You don't survive most relationships without it. So that's what I have to learn. I already know about work and social discipline but the hardest challenge is self-discipline. Getting up in the morning to run a mile around the neighborhood, shutting the television off and doing something productive, that's the hardest part.

And I think there is a difference between discipline and self deprecation. When you deprive yourself of certain things you are not in control of the desire, you are just torturing yourself. We all have things we want to do and have the right to do them but we must learn how much we can do these things in a given time. Its not wrong to do anything in this world (except for murder and adultery) so we should be afraid of doing what we want to do. We just have to know when to stop. That may be the hardest thing to learn especially in this world where we see everybody else living lives the way we want to but we have no idea how to do it. Well my friends even the most carefree rich guy has discipline. You may not even have to work hard to get what you want. Just discipline and consistency. That's all it takes.

daylight savings is %$&#ing up my high

I've been tired
I've been sleepy
I've been crouch in my bed from cold of the night

I've been creepy
I've been cranky
I've been fighting with all the peoples cuz something just ain't right

Cuz daylight savings is f_king up my high
Daylight savings, I'm missing an hour of my life
Daylight savings is f_king up my high
Daylight savings got me tired and I don't know why