i want my swagger back

its my birthday!!! so of course I'm looking at old pictures and reminiscing about the good times, bad times, oh and I'm drunk off my mind and can't figure out why I'm cold times.

So while questing through my history, I feel a sense of something lacking from my life currently. My swagger. Who stole it? I want it back and I want it back now!

Since it is 4 am eastern standard time I have to be truthful and honest. I know what took my swagger: work, alcohol, and the love of life. Alright I know how to deal with the first two, but the latter...

How can something so good for me be so wrong? Wanting and desiring more from life should be my sole motivation to keep my swagger up but sadly and with a lot of disappointments, life has stolen my swagger.

I wish life would let me borrow my swagger for one moment.



Oh and a stripper gave me this scripture the other day. John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Only in Atlanta.

when everything is done and said

weekends off consist of me making up do it yourself projects in order to make daily accomplishments. I've had this feeling lately at work, after realizing that I hate it so much, that I don't do enough when I'm not at work to really complain that I shouldn't be in the confined space. So these projects consist of gardening, building a shelf, painting my bathroom and bedroom with full insignia, cleaning the garbage disposal, organizing, and giving myself a haircut. All of that boiled down to 5 hours on Saturday morning.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!!!

So I watch movies a lot. I've especially enjoyed my netflix and the tv series that i rent. Its like I'm watching tv but not watching tv cuz there is no commercials and other crap to distract me like waiting a week for the next episode (hey birthday ideas here people pay attention). And of course when i get really bored. I create my own videos. That's why we are blogging today folks.

cheeba, cheeba yall

a moment of silence

yesterday I had an argument with a customer about such and such transaction. She felt that I didn't do the transaction the right way (her way) and was angry that I didn't want to do it over again. So the usual happens, "Let me speak to your manager." And the managers weren't there. No. First she asks me if I was the manager and I smiled and said no (pissed her off). So we do the back and forth and I'm keeping my composure (she's standing and I'm sitting down leaning against the desk with my hand supporting my head). She asks who the manager is and I tell her and then...

Silence.

Well it started as a pause, then a silence, then anticipation, then anxiety, then the staring game. It was the strangest feeling because that all came on me in a matter of seconds and when I realized the staring game started all I could think of is, "I wonder if there is something funny I could do at this moment."

You know how dogs show their teeth in a staring contest to show who is the alpha? I wish I could do that. Next time I'll hit them with the sit up straight, fold hands together, look straight into their eyes, and slowly turn my head sideways while opening my eyes (just like in the movies).

These people don't get it. Its just a job.

its not gucci...

its just me. And I've got my own gucci pattern. Let me know what you think as always.

I'm broke. I haven't been broke in a while. usually I've got this nice cushion to sit on that I do a good job of not touching except for emergencies but this week, I'm broke. They changed my payroll to bi-weekly, so that first week I'm cruising.

"yeh put it on my card, no worries. I just got a raise." The start of the second week and I'm down to my last dollars. I'll admit it, I got a little excited and decided to treat myself to things. But I never thought I would be this broke. Oh well. It just means its time to budget my expenses.

Cuz its all about the "dolla dolla bills yall." Wu-Tang had it right, C.R.E.A.M. In the U.S. that's all life is really about but they make it to seem like something. As if you really can just follow a dream and everything will fall into place and you'll be making enough money to buy a home and have 2.5 kids. Just follow your dreams little man. Forget that nonsense! Its all about making money in order to follow your dreams. You can't just be an artist anymore. You gotta have marketing in order to make a living or you are just that guy in the neighborhood that can do thangs.

Word of advice, "Get Money." Then worry about your dreams and accomplishments later. All the gangsta rappers are doing it.

organization

soooo.... I've been doing some organizing and I've decided to put my current work on Flickr. Right now its just logos and sketches but hey its a start. I don't think I'm ready for a full on website. Well the truth is I can never bring myself to finish one. Every time I think I have the look I need I think of a new one. So I'm using other sites to a least show what I can do.

check me out
Flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gmilard

Craigslist
http://atlanta.craigslist.org/crs/775281409.html

if anyone is looking for a good logo, hit me up.

BUT THIS IS A BLOG FOLKS. Back to blogging and not a promotional advertisement.

I painted my room red. You think I might go crazy over it. I keep thinking that I will imagine the color to be blood and become a serial killer in my sleep. No, you don't think so? I've yet to finish, so I've yet to sleep in it. Why I chose red in the first place? Its the color of passion, life, alertness. I want it to motivate me. I'm going to buy a shelving unit to put up all the work I haven't finished. That way, every morning I'll wake up to my work and hope to think about it more often. Cuz right now its in a corner of my dining area collecting dust and its an eye sore. Its my own work, isn't it ironic that its become an eye sore.

Fiber up. (yeah i said it, I needs my fiber to stay regular)

my conditioning has been conditioned

i like lightbrites. I know. I feel bad. I'm a rather pro black brother but when it comes to the ladies nothing turns my head like the light skin sista. And its strange cuz you might think that I probably like white girls too but I don't. I don't even notice them. Even the top models don't interest me. But when I see a lightbrite enter the room with them pretty eyes and smile, I get happy. I'm not hating on you dark to caramel skin sistas cuz I got love for all my black women, but something about the light skin. I guess I feel like I'm the field slave dreaming of getting with master's house slave. You know the one.

all there is left to do is pray

you heard it before. Drop to your knees in reverence to the Lord pray through the difficult times. A lot of people believe in prayer. Well add me to the list. To be honest, I don't pray that much, nor do I go to church. I've been having issues with the idea and the experiences of church. There is a sense of hopelessness and surrender. They even say surrender to the Lord. But I'm not one to give up so easily. I understand what is being said: putting your trust in the almighty rather than your own ideas or other humans; but I don't like the wording. I'm a competitive person so I like to think that I will always give it my all even if I lose. So let me not surrender to the Lord but ask him to be by my side as I face the many demons of this world. Like, if I was on the battlefield and the enemy has catapults, arrows, and gigantic beasts (for some reason my life battle is set in medeville days) but I have a sword that glows bright from God's wrath and with one blow I destroy a whole army. That's how I want to feel in church. My real issue is probably that I haven't found the right church.

Prayer is very important. Not for the mysterious power of miracles that people believe it possess but because it allows us to believe in ourselves. If you pray continuously for something, speak it to yourself over and over again; you have no reason not to believe. Its simple human nature actually. Think about it. What is the color blue? Its the color that your parents first told you the name of, then your teachers told you the same thing, then your peers agreed with them, so you begin to begin to believe the color is blue. Why, because you heard it over and over again.

So people lets pray. Let's pray to believe in ourselves; believe in good things happening; believe that this is the good life. With that I believe that I will be a great graphic designer. Check my page on Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/54552805@N00/sets/72157606443318136/

i've been told to love hip-hop

i've been asking mad questions lately about hip-hop and whether or not its worth listening to. My conclusion is I'm getting old. Hip-hop has always been about the young people. It is the voice for the youngins and new generation. I remember my hip-hop: the running man, vanilla ice, tmnt the movie, then I grew up with Blackstar, The Roots, Common. All the kids now that love the souljah boi, young bootsie, lil wayne will soon grow up and learn to listen to something more than funky dance music. So in essence, no one has to tell me to love hip-hop. I've been in love with hip-hop. Just because my hip-hop is not the same as yours doesn't mean we have to hate each other. I just love her for different reasons.

home again

brockton is my home and where I learned that... well I didn't learn much except 1+2=3 and i'm still iffy about that. But home is where I need to be at right now. Life in the A isn't all that its cracked out to be. I need a break. Being with fam and people that not only accept me for who I am but know who I am will be comforting. I want to make sure that I'm completely clear about life when I go back. Basically I want to show off: new clothes, new shoes, new attitude. People ask me about life in the A and i'm all about it being "nice!"

"And I don't need no hook for the shiiit!!!" (c) Jay-Z

chicken alfredo, 40hrs, lingerie party

i made chicken alfredo yesterday and it was scrumdumideahlicious. I think I'm getting better with cooking until someone asks me, "How's your cooking?" I can happily say, "No one's thrown up yet." And its always those people that have parents and grandparents that are licensed chefs and can cook their ass off. I feel like you just want to laugh at me when I say I steamed vegetables today. Don't be an asshole.

I've started working 40 hrs a week. Aaaarrrggghhhhhh!!!! The days are so long. I freaking live at work. Plus I hate most of the people at work for giving me such a hard time on how I talk. So I shut up. Then they say, "What's wrong? You're not talking." YOUUUU BITCH! YOUUU. I'm slowly learning that none of this is worth it. Now to figure out what is worth it.

A lingerie party. I just want to be a fly on the wall. It sounds sexy as hell. That's all.

And yall may not want to believe me but believe me its true.

a love/hate relationship

runners on your mark. Get set. Get out of bed and go running. So I've been running four mornings a week since March. I've gotten faster, stronger, and I go to sleep at 10:30 pm. Nothing else sums up the feeling of this part of my day then the new balance commercial: Love/Hate. I've been dying to get a pair of their shoes ever since I seen it. Its simple and describes everything I feel. Even the red is the exact color I feel while jogging 3 miles. The best thing that has happened is when I started sprinting. Boy I tell you I couldn't finish 3 laps before sprinting. My calves and shins were burning. My lungs were about to explode. Then I started sprinting. When you feel real pain from sprinting everything else is nothing. Now I can lap 3 with ease, sprint 3 and lap again 2 times. Its wonderful.

Now here is the terrible part. I'm outside and I love running outside rather than in the gym because of the constant change of scenery, the ease of running in front of my house and not get in my car to go work out, and it just feels natural. Just me and the road. But because I'm outside there are bugs. Bugs that crawl by your feet, fly into your eyes, your mouth. I just don't understand how there is more than 500 sq. ft. in the area, I take up about 2 sq ft. and a fly takes up .15 sq ft. How the hell does a bug find me and my nose to fly into. It doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping to continue running through the summer so that by my birthday I will have officially brought sexy back. I've lost 5 lbs so far. Not much but I'm only looking to lose about 15. Hopefully that will trim my gut.

assessment

Alright, lets re-assess what I've been doing. I'm "working on my portfolio" means I'm working on getting off the couch and concepting new things. I admit it, it should be done by now. I have no excuse. Bear with me ya'll.

I run 3 miles every morning on the street in front of my house (unless it rains, like today; its a love hate relationship). I also participated in my first walk for something (march of dimes). It was grueling. Atlanta is definitely not a walking city. There was no feeling of neighborhoods and friendly patrons. Just business building after building after highway after abandoned house and one big empty park. I miss Boston summers. I've also changed my eating habits. That means less fast foods and yes I have been eating corn (c) Friday (when Smokey was taking a dump and Eazell caught him).

I'm bitter while going to church. Yeh I'm back at a baptist church and I thought I might find a church buddy from work but I haven't heard from her since the first time we went. I'm bitter because I thought I'd be in a better position right now. I definitely thought I would have more money; based on childhood expectations and recent plans (both are disappointing me). So I'm wondering what the next move is.

I'm going to work now. You can see a youtube video about how I feel about that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ-VONi7ei0
Yeh nuff said.

get busy

Yeh The Legendary Roots Crew is back with Rising Down. I am waiting for the album in the mail like a kid on christmas eve. Meanwhile enjoy the videos.

discipline

that's what life is about. All the times your parents set rules and punishments for you, it was all about discipline. You can't keep your job without it. You don't survive most relationships without it. So that's what I have to learn. I already know about work and social discipline but the hardest challenge is self-discipline. Getting up in the morning to run a mile around the neighborhood, shutting the television off and doing something productive, that's the hardest part.

And I think there is a difference between discipline and self deprecation. When you deprive yourself of certain things you are not in control of the desire, you are just torturing yourself. We all have things we want to do and have the right to do them but we must learn how much we can do these things in a given time. Its not wrong to do anything in this world (except for murder and adultery) so we should be afraid of doing what we want to do. We just have to know when to stop. That may be the hardest thing to learn especially in this world where we see everybody else living lives the way we want to but we have no idea how to do it. Well my friends even the most carefree rich guy has discipline. You may not even have to work hard to get what you want. Just discipline and consistency. That's all it takes.

daylight savings is %$&#ing up my high

I've been tired
I've been sleepy
I've been crouch in my bed from cold of the night

I've been creepy
I've been cranky
I've been fighting with all the peoples cuz something just ain't right

Cuz daylight savings is f_king up my high
Daylight savings, I'm missing an hour of my life
Daylight savings is f_king up my high
Daylight savings got me tired and I don't know why

Sunday Afternoon

I can not stop laughing.

remember that time?

There was a time where I had never touched a cup of liquor. When my comrades and I would sip the little drops of beer left over from my uncle's bottle and grimace from the bitter taste. There were times when people would ask me if I did drugs or alcohol and I would flatly refuse. There were times when I would taste a mix drink and wonder why the hell anyone would take another sip of this burning liquid of engine oil?

Then began the times of when I would feel the sensation of complete irresponsibility. A time where all of my actions could be dismissed in front of any judge and jury. The times when giggling was the only way I could breath for a half hour. The times when I would reach a second dimension and meet my other self who would rebuke me for my intoxication. The times that are most memorable because I don't remember any of it.

Another time is upon us. A time of fellowship. A time of intellectual stimulation. A time of instinctual communication with hormonal sexes.

Dudes Night Out. Part 2
Atlanta, GA

starving artist

i wonder if I have the gonads to be a starving artist. I don't want to be. I want to make art for me, for fun, to release my creative juices. I use it as an escape from this stressful, 9 to 5, alcoholic world.

Lately I've been creating for money and it doesn't feel good. What really feels bad is that I'm not getting any money for it. I'm spending money to create a portfolio that will get me a job that will pay my bills from trying to get a job. Nah that's not what art and creativity is about. I don't mind getting paid for it and I'm by no means one of those crazy artsy people that are too good to make money. I just don't want to create with that kind of pressure. If I have to make money, fine I'll get a job, but when I want to express something I feel I'm not doing it for fame or money. Its for the feeling of release, freedom, voice.

As an artist, you can't stop me from saying what I want to say and that's the beauty of it. America says that there is freedom of speech but we all know that's a bunch of malarkey. Because as soon as I do something they don't like I have the right to remain silent, anything I say can and will be used against me. But under the label of an artist, I can say fck 'em.

I don't want to starve doing art and I don't want my art to starve. I just want to do art and accept donations.

art is sacrifice

so my last video I Am Black History is a salute to Black History Month. I thought of it the last day of February while watching The Roots new video "75 Bars Black's Reconstruction" (its dope, the movie begins). I was trying my best with these old sharpies to write on my skin. One of the pens all of a sudden blow up with out me knowing. My bed gets inked up, ink is all over the pen, I'm thinking damn. I get another pen and finish writing on my self then I walk over to my macbook and ink is splatter all over. This ish is permanent. I got black ink blots on a white macbook. I try to rub it off but no go. The computer still works fine so I leave it alone. Hopefully I'll get used to it soon. All I know I will always remember this video: the day I made a sacrifice for art.

75 Bars Black's Reconstruction by The Roots is the greatest video so far this year. Of course it got me to thinking: man Thought is really using the "N-word" - naked. No I mean nigger. With all the recent backlash for black people still using the word and is it offensive? Most black people that use it say, "we're just turning something bad into something good." I never agreed with that. I understand it but it always felt like a week argument. It's like a girl who was raped and then becomes a pornstar as an adult, it doesn't make it any better.

But The Roots new song gave the word power. I am a nigger. I might be all the niggers he says in the songs or all the nigger stereotypes you know about. No matter what you think, people are scared of niggers (not just whites). Is fear power? No, but power is greater with fear.

And then niggers call each other niggas but white folk can't say it, why? Because its a way to express a nigger's power, "I dare you to call me nigger. I know you made it up, and we use it with each other but if you dare use it in front of me you catching a whooping. That's the kind of power I have." This might not make any sense but when is that ever important when dealing with power (eh hem, cough*Bush*cough).