Parents just don't understand

I just watch Silver Linings Playbook. It was not what I expected. Basically it was two people suffering from PTSD fall in love and how their families have to deal with them. There's a moment in the movie that really spoke to me since my family is dealing with the same issue. Robert De Niro plays the father of the son who suffers PTSD and Bipolar after he discovers his wife having sex in the shower with another man.
After several incidents, including fist fighting with his son for hitting his wife, the father sits down with his son and confesses to not spending enough time with him. He then says he didn't know how to handle his son.
I can imagine this happening to lot of parents. When a child grows up with a mental illness that isn't detected and then one day as an adult that child breaks down and depends on you once again, its gotta be difficult to understand. From my personal experience it is impossible to do anything about it.
I think the hardest thing to accept for a father in this situation is that you messed up. Of course no one will tell you this. Everyone believes that raising kids is a crap shoot. You pick your favorite and hope for the best for the rest of them. But when there is child who seem to fail at life, part of that failure ( if not all because the child has your genes) is your fault.
I'm starting to believe this because of a book I'm reading "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People." The first part of the book explains the need to balance your relationships with work and success. For example if you never talk with your child and listen to his needs, then as an adult your child will not talk to you.
In my experience I find my father wanting to become friends with me in my adult life. I think this is mainly due to fact that he is alone now with my mentally ill brother who doesn't talk to anyone. It's hard for me to even think of conserving with my father as another regular person or even friend. There's just too much emotional restraint. We never had an open dialogue in my childhood. It was do as I say or face punishment. I still have that same sense as an adult. I don't believe that a joke would go very well with my father. Nor could I see us watching a game together. There is nothing more scary then knowing that you have sowed a bad seed.

Weez homeowners now

My wife and I just bought our first home together. I'm living a surreal life. The house has a lot of room, for now (I'm pretty sure a year from now I will complain about space). We have a two door garage and two full baths. Life is sweet.
We've been living a surreal life ever since we met and it keeps going. I wonder if its a bad thing. I still don't feel married but living in this new home may begin to ground me a bit more. I'm just happy that I don't have to move for a long time.

It's your first's birthday

It's weird to see your ex girlfriend's birthday pop up on Facebook. First the ghost of girlfriend past seems to haunt you with memories of first kisses, awkward moments, and guilt (I may have broken a few hearts). Then I start I feel like I'm doing something wrong thinking about old flames while my wife sits next to me watching Scandal (if I was sexing Kerry Washington I'd quit my job too).
What happens to me a lot is when I think of what day it is, I get the feeling that is someone's birthday. And when I can't remember who's birthday it is I assume its an ex-girlfriend. I feel really bad though when I see the Facebook message of an old girlfriend and I realize I never memorized her birthday ( must not have been that important).
Moral of the story: some people you are meant to forget. Damn you Facebook!

Reading is FUNduhMental

I'm reading again. This time it's for fun. Well sort of of. I want to finish my novel, both of them: Kicks and Drunken Superhero. I started writing one of them recently and I just find it hard to get from point a to b. Should I describe every step, every breath, every look my characters make? When I run out of things to at about a scene, is it okay to just say, "and that's all I have to say about that?"

So I started reading again. Really I haven't read a book in years. My last book I finished was over 6 years ago, American Psycho. Then I saw the movie. I think I had one of those moments when people say, "The book was better," but I'm not sure because the book didn't make any sense.

My goal is to learn better writing techniques as I read. I'm forever cursed with looking at everything as a design. As I'm reading I'm reflecting on the writers approach on descriptions and thoughts and as a whole what the meaning is (not just in the plot but in the art as well).

I just hope I make time to read more. I know I have a lot of time at work because I've been doing nothing but stand around waiting for customer to come in and complain. Instead of playing games on my phone, I hope kindle will help me during these times calculated self worth. Is it okay though that I'm reading a book that I've already seen the movie?

Fear itself

I can't tell you why I have a fear of rejection. I've been shy all my life. I can only guess that I didn't fail often in my childhood so therefore I don't know how to take it. There are plenty of people that I could blame for this: both of my 5th and 6th grade teachers, my parents, and my older brothers.

My grade school teachers never failed me. I bring up 5th and 6th grade because there were two projects that I did last minute, that I obviously should have failed, that I was sweating about when grades were getting passed out but I got A's.

My parents never taught me how to fail. I was found so well in school (which is the only thing they cared about) so they never took the time to push me to the limit.

My brothers excelled at everything that I couldn't physically. I'm not sure how that increases my fear if failure but I can feel it has something to do with it.

So I bring this up because I can't make a cold call at work. I had this whole plan to cold call businesses after sending letters to them so that it would be an actual cold call. But I still feel like it is. Cold calling is the ultimate rejection. The fear comes from mean, surly business people that bark at you for wasting their time. They always make me feel small.

I know that I have conquered a lot more fears than I give myself props for. I'm married about to purchase a home. I've also left home at 18 and never looked back while my friends still live at home. I'm a guy making moves and becoming a man everyday. So what I still have fears. At least I can admit it.

Kick it List

Stand up comedy
Write a novel
Sky dive
Ballon ride
Hang glide
Rap on stage
Make a song
Sing in a choir
Fall in love
Go cross country
Be in a bicycle gang
Coach a football team
Create a legacy
Design and build a home
Order a royale with cheese
Make a movie
Dunk a playground hoop
Get a natural high
Win a poker tournament

Real Dreams

The wife and I are buying a home. It is such an incredible feat for us since we just got married 6 months ago and that wasn't cheap. What feels great about it is that I am on my way to completing my dream. Married, check. Own a home, check. Next up kids. Wait, what?

Children scare the crap out of me. Don't get me wrong I love kids, you just can't take them back though. Kids are a real commitment. Everything else is negotiable . In a marriage you can get a divorce; at work you can quit; but kids are a full commitment. They will have no one else to depend on. That's why I got to make my marriage work. I have to make my job work. And I have to begin my legacy because my kids will depend on it.

Some might say it sounds like you are ready for a child. Some men don't even care about there current living seed while I'm talking about a leaving a legacy. Well those people might be right. I'm still scared sh!tless that my daughters will become strippers. How the hell do I stop that?

Hey Mom, I want to be a comedian!

I don't even think my mom would know what a comedian is and when I explain it to her I'm sure she would tear me a new one. I'm glad we live in separate states because she would just smack me upside my head if I was close enough. But seriously, on my bucket list is to try being a comedian. My problem is I have no idea where to start.

From my research (which consists of watching Delirious over and over again), I've realized that a stand up performance is not a guy who thinks he can stand up in front of people and tell funny stories. You gotta be able to relate to folks, have the right timing, and project a consistent persona. But more important than all of that is appearing to be original (I say appearing because there is nothing new in comedy but my take on it has to be just a little bit different).

I say all this to get to one thing, my first joke. Here it goes.

As you can tell I'm not from Oklahoma. I'm from Boston. Go Celtics. When I moved here I expected to see a bunch of cowboys riding on horses riding down the street along side of my car. I was sadly mistaken. But its cool. What's really cool are the Native Americans out here. Man if you have any Native American blood I swear you got a free ride out here. You got scholarships and casinos. It makes me feel bad for black people. Like who the hell was making the deal with white people when they gave us freedom. The Natives got casinos and free education and this nigga said we'll take 40 acres and a mule. Why couldn't he have said something like amusement parks. Could you imagine the irony for black to own amusement parks. We could make white people get on rides called the whiplash....

That's all I got but it would go further into rides named after slavery things like riding on a boat while chained up or something. I got some more work to do.

To Exist...

Life changing moments only happen a few times. The rest is just mundane. Go to work, get paid, hand it over to the man, then stress.

There's a better way but most of us are too scared to risk it. We know it will be hard. We know we will suffer. And we know it might not work out.

This is my existence.

Sent from my iPhone

Doctor said...

I've been seeing a therapist for several months (really just three times) and this last time she suggested that I might be depressed. Sigh! Now I feel like I'm wasting time thinking about being depressed and it's making me depressed. I thought I was happy until now. What's worse about it is that I got some really good advice about motivation. And now I'm having trouble focusing on that advice because I might need drugs to solve my problems.

The advice given to me was: when I'm feeling lazy and I should be doing work, I need to ask myself, "what am I saying about me right now? Am I not important?"

It seems that I haven't thought of myself as important. I guess I never asked. I've always thought of myself as important to others: at work, at home, in my family. But I haven't told me, "you is kind, you is smart, you is important." Hopefully I can focus on that advice rather than I need to be drugged advice. It's funny how the devil works.

let's be friends

I need some friends outside of this relationship. I depend way too much on my fiance. To the point that when one of her friends comes in from out of town I have nothing to do all day, while she hangs out, I get upset. I don't need to be upset because this is not going to happen often. I guess I'm jealous. And being drunk doesn't help either.

This is why I need some friends I can hang with in this situation. The problem is that when making new friends while you are in a relationship is hard to do. You see just because you want to hang out one random evening doesn't mean that another person will have time for you to do so. Everything has to be planned these days. Its not like when I was younger and I knew who I was hanging out with every day. I could count on it. Nobody else can count on me to hang any random night. I guess I'm starting to understand the meaning of ball and chain.

Movies and Smoothies: HappyThankYouMorePlease

I like this movie. Its a bit cheesy the way it pokes fun at itself at times but other than that its got a good message. I don't know how I feel about the white guy adopting a little black kid (feels a little Angelina Jolie to me) but it turns out alright. I good message about this movie is in the title. When someone gives you a compliment you say, "Thank you. More please." How nice and comforting. Being humble.

Other than that, its an interesting story. Watch it.

motivation

my district manager said something important during a meeting, "You can't motivate anyone. That person has to motivate himself." It was very profound; so against the norm; and completely the wrong attitude for any manager. He is right. No matter how hard you try you can't motivate another person. Motivation is a light bulb locked in the beacon of our self conscience. Its our job to find the key and begin shed light towards our happiness. As a manager, your job is help us find that key. You can't make us open that door but most of us have no idea where to start looking.

So its true, you can't truly motivate any one person, but as a manager, do the work that it takes to get me to where I need to be. It just might pay off for you.

a dream turns into goals

i've been lying to myself this whole time. I have dreams and plenty of them. I was just looking at my Kick It List and I realized that's it; that's the motivation I need. There's nothing on my list I don't feel like I can't accomplish and I would honestly feel great about succeeding in those goals. The list is my measure of success. If I can complete everything on that list before I die, I'm sure I can look back on my life and say I was the man I wanted to be, needed to be, and always was.

Now is the time I conquer all my fears. Now is the time I turn these dreams into goals. I've been looking for something to motivate me. Too many nights and nightmares have been wasted on thoughts about failures in the past. I've measured myself against the fantasy of a rich, slick talking, white guy who pleases so many women in bed. That is not me. I can not be defined. I can only choose to live the experiences that will inspire me to live a long and happy life. I think I need to add one more thing my Kick It List and that is to make a new Kick It List when I'm done with this one.

the mark of the age

i'm old. Up until this point I had no idea what made you old and out of touch. I realized music was moving along without me for a couple of years now but there still wasn't a dance move I couldn't do better than most my age. I've been healthy and still active. I'm still being asked for id at the liquor store. But now age has crept into my life like a terminal illness. The reality is here: I've got one foot in the grave.

The eye opening moment happen when I saw a commercial for the greatest hits of... (wait for it) THE 90'S. Let me explain: growing up I watched these commercials about the greatest hits of time period I knew nothing about. First it was the 70's, then it was the 80's. These commercials would run through a list of songs I may have heard of at some grown folk party and watched their eyes light up as the first beat drop. I couldn't fully grasp the meaning of all the songs but I understood I was not the demographic.

So present day. I'm on my couch. One of these commercials come on. Not only do I know the words of every song that is being played but the titles on the screen are recognizable as well. As the clips of 90's sounds play back to back, the songs grow my excitement and spark my nostalgia to the point of orgasm in my front lobe. At that very moment of musical ecstasy, I realized that this pleasure would turn into shame. I realized this was the mark of my age. I'm officially old.

The pain of reaching this benchmark didn't stop there; my body began to manifest this truth with back pain, wisdom teeth suffering, and migraines. Its all over now. My youth has faded. I have nothing left to do but get married, raise some kids, and tell stories of myself in my better days.

just live it

biggest pet peeve of the new generation is the camera phone. Sure its great to have one digital device that can encompass all your source of entertainment and communication but it does one evil thing that I can not forgive anyone for: it records.

You're at your favorite concert. You can hear your favorite performer. You can sense this is one of those memorable moments you have in your life. Then you pull out your phone and press record. Now your seeing everything through a 4.5 inch screen (if you're lucky). Nothing else matters anymore but getting a decent shot of what's going on.

It's cool that you can share this with someone later and maybe you might get enough hits on Youtube to feel good about your ability to press record at the right time. But you have unknowingly detached yourself from the moment that you should never be able to forget. Instead of giving more energy to a rock god that shines in front of you, you suck the light into your small digital device for your own selfishness. I can't stand people that press record.

Your hand should be up for no other reason but to pump your fist in rhythm of the sound that you came for. You should let the moment exist only in the special memory vault that contains everything that makes you yearn for happiness. Don't press record. Just pause. Just live it.

expectations

it's amazing how expectations drives a relationship. You know your significant other loves you dearly and wants to see you happy but still has an expectation that prevents you from your own happiness. And it doesn't have to be malicious or unfair. You might want to hang out with your friends and she is cool with that except the fact that she will be left alone on a Saturday night. Try as you might to notify her of your plans in advance but when the time comes and you are walking out the door, the only look on her face is abandonment. What's most confusing is when you ask if you should stay home, her reply will be no.
There goes your days of enjoying yourself with any other person but your woman. I guess it makes sense. A relationship is all about compromise. You do your best to meet the expectations of your partner. The struggle is when in turn you have some expectations that are not being met at the same time. Then begins the arguing and the emotions. Oh the wonderful emotions. Mixes so well with alcohol.
The only thing to do is to communicate. You can not meet every expectation. You just have accept the other persons point of view and agree that you see it differently. This might mean you will continue to argue about the same topic for the rest of your time together. Slip it in to any other argument that has anything to do with the situation. Most importantly keep it bottled in so that it frustrates you everyday. Then kill yourself. Good luck with marriage.

Mo' Postin! Mo' Postin! Mo' Postin!

so for Lent I gave up secular music. Jesus this is tough (no blasphemy). Gospel music is great. I miss it actually. But I really have to be in the mood for it. What's sad is that I don't have an even balance of hip hop, r&b, and gospel like I used to. I'm already thinking of how I'm going to fit gospel music in my regiment after Easter.

The problem is gospel music speaks about one thing (don't make me spell it out); other music has different topics that can be fun: baby momma drama, politics, fun with friends. I understand I need to stay mindful of God and his blessings but whats really fun is when Phonte spits game to a female in a verse that doesn't rhyme. You don't get cleverness like that with gospel.

Now I'm thinking maybe I should listen Christian Rap. You just missed it but I chuckled. I do not like it when artists try to get new age with gospel music; conforming to the new generation. Kirk Franklin is cool, but he does a good job of turning something old into new. I can't stand listening to a rapper cry about his past life as a thug and then turns his life to Jesus. You can't be gangsta for Jesus.

no. I will not man date

how do I tell this guy at work I don't wanna go on a man date? Dude's not from here, just like I'm from here and he's just like me: awkward. I get the idea to hang out because I don't know nobody and he don't, so we should be able to grab some beers and chill, right? Wrong. I mean it feels wrong. Can't we just hang in a group for awhile to find out if we have similarities? I don't know what to talk about with him. We from opposite races, opposite cities, opposite college backgrounds; not really a match made in heaven.

Even though I despised the idea on going a man date, we went to bar last week. Just to make it less awkward, I invited this other dude in a similar situation so it would be "guys" night out. Everything went alright. I was drunk off my ass and we ended up smoking a spliff. Was it the best night of my life? Nope. But now dude is asking me when we going to hang again and I gotta walk by him with awkward looks because I'm antisocial as f_ck and he is too. Unfortunately we don't have anything interesting in common. Sure he's a married man and I'm engaged so we can talk about married guy stuff but that only last so long.

This feels like when you meet a chick and you don't want to talk to her anymore but she don't get the hint. What's worst is that I have to work with him. Oh boy.

how i wish my coverletter would read

What it do,

You may not know it but I'm the bomb diggity. I'm the bomb at selling stuff people don't need and I'm the bomb at making you some money. If you decide to cut me in on the nonsense you sell at a booshie as price, we goin' blow up. Don't even bother looking at my resume, just hit me up on my celly and I'll let you know the 411 on the fun we'll have laughing at my black ass during the company picnic (you know I got some good ass fried chicken). Yo, straight up... I know you got some old foggies you looking to get rid of because your company stay on that new new. You need new shit? I'm that dude. I stay fresh to death. So check it, hit me up at 11:32am or 5:01pm, cause you know the j.o.b. be tripping about "personal calls." Hook a brother up.

Aight, one.