pump... you up!/Obama Wins!

i joined a gym today. I feel like its just fat tax. Will I go for the three months I signed up for? Who knows. The only good thing is that I talked with a trainer (who tried to sell me protein shakes) and took a physical assessment. So I know where I am (out of shape) and I know where to go.

The amazing thing is that I have to eat five times a day and that my previous two times is dangerous. Five times?! That sounds like work. Eating has become my mood relaxer: one big meal then sleep like it'll be my last. Now I have a schedule of when I should snack and have a meal, what I should eat, how much; this is too much.

Once again the goal is to lose 20lbs of gut and thigh. I also need to lower sodium intake. The trainer showed me a chart that said I'm in a red level of heart attack risk. Well that's not good.

:::::OBAMA WINS:::::

Alright so history was made last night. I almost cried but I stiffened up quick. During the Barack's speech all I could do is squeeze and squeal because all I could think of is, "Please don't shoot him. Please. Not in front of the kids, his wife, and Oprah." I'm sorry. People have been telling me to stop saying that, stop joking about it but sadly history never changes people. They killed Lincoln, Kennedy, King, Malcom, Jesus. Anyone trying to do some good in this world has a early death sentence. So as excited as I am that times are changing in USA, I'm scared for Obama's life and his family. I don't think anybody should disagree with me.

But let's do this though. I'm talking to black people. Tighten up. Work hard. Make sure this period in your life is the best it can be. Because we have to make an overdue statement. The Civil Rights was the last time we made the world listen, now their ears are open. Lets tell them what we want and its not too far from what they want so it won't be hard for them to understand. In other words:

Black people don't f_ck this up!!

blissful ignant shit

i don't want to learn nothing new
i don't want to hear nothing new
i don't want to see nothing new

I just want that ol' time good stuff
That backyard, climbing trees stuff
That passing notes in the hallway stuff

i've learned what I could
and all I got was this lousy moment of life
for'git it. I just want some blissful ignant shit.

::::::::::

Just at this moment I'm feeling like maybe I just need to do something new: kickboxing, yoga, read a book, learn a instrument, etc. But then I think of all the frustration I'll have to go through to do stuff like that. First the money, then the time, then the focus; haven't I learned enough? I'm just looking for a distraction from work while I figure out how to get out of the bloody thing. But learning something new would just add more frustration. Why can't what I already know be enough?

making it to work

if you wanna know how I'm feeling
just take a look at how i stand
when I'm slouched to the front I'm unhappy
when my chest is sticking out I'm a man
each day is a different exact day of the first
you know what I'm talking about while sitting in traffic
i wish a meteor would crash down in front of me
so I could say something interesting just happened
like how i saved Susie from being crushed by a tree
while ducking hot flaming rocks and squeezing between cars
only to still make it work on time for the meeting
pour me some coffee, grab me a cookie from the cookie jars
i just wanna know that something else is going to happen today
so while I'm sitting at my desk filing these papers
and Bob from account comes over asking about expense reports
I can say, "Later! I've got to sharpen these knives and kill the ninja in the elevator."

i'm a ninja bitch!

I miss my xbox.

unfit world

So I take a test for a promotion. Its a personality assessment, you know: what would people say about you, what's your strongest attribute, how well do you work with people. In the end of a 105 question assessment i get the message that I'm unfit for the position. WTF? I'm unfit for my jeans cuz i drink too much but unfit for the job that I'm already doing on top of the other jobs I have to do because the brand spanking new employees have no idea what to do, makes no sense to me.

I can't tell you how frustrated and disappointed I am. I was honest and that's what failed me. Had I lied and chose the best answer for every question I'd make more money right now but because I wanted to see what honesty would bring me; I failed. I guess corporate thinks that if I don't think that I am the highest and best person they can hire they won't bother hiring me. Being human doesn't matter.

I can't help but think that this is just another sign that I don't deserve this crap. I need to do this career thing on my own. Answer to nobody. Kiss no ass. Fuck the man. I just gotta save up enough to do that.

morning tea

i grew up on tea. Moms first introduce me to coffee when I was seven years old. Thinking back now she was crazy. She had me running around with all this caffeine at such a young age. No wonder why I wasn't as big as my brothers. Then she started buying tea, Lipton tea (which to this day, as I type I'm still drink). My favorite thing about tea in the morning is the phrase my mom used to say every winter, "here drink some tea so you can heat your core." This is roughly translated from the kreole phrase, "shofay coh". I can't spell in kreole either. But every time I drink tea I think about how the liquids heat up my insides.

I've grown to love other teas as well but nothing brings me back to home then lipton tea. That and hot chocolate. That's all I will drink for christmas.

dreaming...

i've been having paralysis type dreams (when you are frozen still: can't move, can't speak, and everything seems real even the people in your dream). The last two out of three nights I've been stuck in my dreams, literally. Ever since that study I went to in college about sleep paralysis and how common it is in Caribbean folk, I've had these dreams more and more. I don't like it. I'm the type of dreamer that has total control. I fly in my dreams, dream myself out of dreams, control other people in dreams. I can't be paralyzed in my dream while someone antagonizes me. Its not a good feeling. Could these dreams mean I'm losing control of my own life?

Damn it to heck!

trustworthy?!

so you ask me to trust you but you give me no reason. Then you say, you trust me so I should trust you. That's the exact reason why I don't trust you: you put your trust in someone that has trust issues. I perform to the best of my ability but I know i'm bound for mistake. And when that happens you start to mistrust me. Should have never trusted me in the first place.

untrustworthy.

*points at you with a stinky face*

i'm going back to not caring about work. Life was better than. I got more important things to worry about than will I get a talking to for not getting my referrals today. The problem is whether or not I get my referrals I will get a talking to, so who gives a damn!

More important things are getting some new clients for logos. Its free for now but soon I'm coming after all the pennies in your piggy bank. Its time people. The man has had too many of my sweat and tears. I'm gonna get mine. Yessur!

i want my swagger back

its my birthday!!! so of course I'm looking at old pictures and reminiscing about the good times, bad times, oh and I'm drunk off my mind and can't figure out why I'm cold times.

So while questing through my history, I feel a sense of something lacking from my life currently. My swagger. Who stole it? I want it back and I want it back now!

Since it is 4 am eastern standard time I have to be truthful and honest. I know what took my swagger: work, alcohol, and the love of life. Alright I know how to deal with the first two, but the latter...

How can something so good for me be so wrong? Wanting and desiring more from life should be my sole motivation to keep my swagger up but sadly and with a lot of disappointments, life has stolen my swagger.

I wish life would let me borrow my swagger for one moment.



Oh and a stripper gave me this scripture the other day. John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Only in Atlanta.

when everything is done and said

weekends off consist of me making up do it yourself projects in order to make daily accomplishments. I've had this feeling lately at work, after realizing that I hate it so much, that I don't do enough when I'm not at work to really complain that I shouldn't be in the confined space. So these projects consist of gardening, building a shelf, painting my bathroom and bedroom with full insignia, cleaning the garbage disposal, organizing, and giving myself a haircut. All of that boiled down to 5 hours on Saturday morning.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!!!

So I watch movies a lot. I've especially enjoyed my netflix and the tv series that i rent. Its like I'm watching tv but not watching tv cuz there is no commercials and other crap to distract me like waiting a week for the next episode (hey birthday ideas here people pay attention). And of course when i get really bored. I create my own videos. That's why we are blogging today folks.

cheeba, cheeba yall

a moment of silence

yesterday I had an argument with a customer about such and such transaction. She felt that I didn't do the transaction the right way (her way) and was angry that I didn't want to do it over again. So the usual happens, "Let me speak to your manager." And the managers weren't there. No. First she asks me if I was the manager and I smiled and said no (pissed her off). So we do the back and forth and I'm keeping my composure (she's standing and I'm sitting down leaning against the desk with my hand supporting my head). She asks who the manager is and I tell her and then...

Silence.

Well it started as a pause, then a silence, then anticipation, then anxiety, then the staring game. It was the strangest feeling because that all came on me in a matter of seconds and when I realized the staring game started all I could think of is, "I wonder if there is something funny I could do at this moment."

You know how dogs show their teeth in a staring contest to show who is the alpha? I wish I could do that. Next time I'll hit them with the sit up straight, fold hands together, look straight into their eyes, and slowly turn my head sideways while opening my eyes (just like in the movies).

These people don't get it. Its just a job.

its not gucci...

its just me. And I've got my own gucci pattern. Let me know what you think as always.

I'm broke. I haven't been broke in a while. usually I've got this nice cushion to sit on that I do a good job of not touching except for emergencies but this week, I'm broke. They changed my payroll to bi-weekly, so that first week I'm cruising.

"yeh put it on my card, no worries. I just got a raise." The start of the second week and I'm down to my last dollars. I'll admit it, I got a little excited and decided to treat myself to things. But I never thought I would be this broke. Oh well. It just means its time to budget my expenses.

Cuz its all about the "dolla dolla bills yall." Wu-Tang had it right, C.R.E.A.M. In the U.S. that's all life is really about but they make it to seem like something. As if you really can just follow a dream and everything will fall into place and you'll be making enough money to buy a home and have 2.5 kids. Just follow your dreams little man. Forget that nonsense! Its all about making money in order to follow your dreams. You can't just be an artist anymore. You gotta have marketing in order to make a living or you are just that guy in the neighborhood that can do thangs.

Word of advice, "Get Money." Then worry about your dreams and accomplishments later. All the gangsta rappers are doing it.

organization

soooo.... I've been doing some organizing and I've decided to put my current work on Flickr. Right now its just logos and sketches but hey its a start. I don't think I'm ready for a full on website. Well the truth is I can never bring myself to finish one. Every time I think I have the look I need I think of a new one. So I'm using other sites to a least show what I can do.

check me out
Flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gmilard

Craigslist
http://atlanta.craigslist.org/crs/775281409.html

if anyone is looking for a good logo, hit me up.

BUT THIS IS A BLOG FOLKS. Back to blogging and not a promotional advertisement.

I painted my room red. You think I might go crazy over it. I keep thinking that I will imagine the color to be blood and become a serial killer in my sleep. No, you don't think so? I've yet to finish, so I've yet to sleep in it. Why I chose red in the first place? Its the color of passion, life, alertness. I want it to motivate me. I'm going to buy a shelving unit to put up all the work I haven't finished. That way, every morning I'll wake up to my work and hope to think about it more often. Cuz right now its in a corner of my dining area collecting dust and its an eye sore. Its my own work, isn't it ironic that its become an eye sore.

Fiber up. (yeah i said it, I needs my fiber to stay regular)

my conditioning has been conditioned

i like lightbrites. I know. I feel bad. I'm a rather pro black brother but when it comes to the ladies nothing turns my head like the light skin sista. And its strange cuz you might think that I probably like white girls too but I don't. I don't even notice them. Even the top models don't interest me. But when I see a lightbrite enter the room with them pretty eyes and smile, I get happy. I'm not hating on you dark to caramel skin sistas cuz I got love for all my black women, but something about the light skin. I guess I feel like I'm the field slave dreaming of getting with master's house slave. You know the one.

all there is left to do is pray

you heard it before. Drop to your knees in reverence to the Lord pray through the difficult times. A lot of people believe in prayer. Well add me to the list. To be honest, I don't pray that much, nor do I go to church. I've been having issues with the idea and the experiences of church. There is a sense of hopelessness and surrender. They even say surrender to the Lord. But I'm not one to give up so easily. I understand what is being said: putting your trust in the almighty rather than your own ideas or other humans; but I don't like the wording. I'm a competitive person so I like to think that I will always give it my all even if I lose. So let me not surrender to the Lord but ask him to be by my side as I face the many demons of this world. Like, if I was on the battlefield and the enemy has catapults, arrows, and gigantic beasts (for some reason my life battle is set in medeville days) but I have a sword that glows bright from God's wrath and with one blow I destroy a whole army. That's how I want to feel in church. My real issue is probably that I haven't found the right church.

Prayer is very important. Not for the mysterious power of miracles that people believe it possess but because it allows us to believe in ourselves. If you pray continuously for something, speak it to yourself over and over again; you have no reason not to believe. Its simple human nature actually. Think about it. What is the color blue? Its the color that your parents first told you the name of, then your teachers told you the same thing, then your peers agreed with them, so you begin to begin to believe the color is blue. Why, because you heard it over and over again.

So people lets pray. Let's pray to believe in ourselves; believe in good things happening; believe that this is the good life. With that I believe that I will be a great graphic designer. Check my page on Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/54552805@N00/sets/72157606443318136/

i've been told to love hip-hop

i've been asking mad questions lately about hip-hop and whether or not its worth listening to. My conclusion is I'm getting old. Hip-hop has always been about the young people. It is the voice for the youngins and new generation. I remember my hip-hop: the running man, vanilla ice, tmnt the movie, then I grew up with Blackstar, The Roots, Common. All the kids now that love the souljah boi, young bootsie, lil wayne will soon grow up and learn to listen to something more than funky dance music. So in essence, no one has to tell me to love hip-hop. I've been in love with hip-hop. Just because my hip-hop is not the same as yours doesn't mean we have to hate each other. I just love her for different reasons.

home again

brockton is my home and where I learned that... well I didn't learn much except 1+2=3 and i'm still iffy about that. But home is where I need to be at right now. Life in the A isn't all that its cracked out to be. I need a break. Being with fam and people that not only accept me for who I am but know who I am will be comforting. I want to make sure that I'm completely clear about life when I go back. Basically I want to show off: new clothes, new shoes, new attitude. People ask me about life in the A and i'm all about it being "nice!"

"And I don't need no hook for the shiiit!!!" (c) Jay-Z

chicken alfredo, 40hrs, lingerie party

i made chicken alfredo yesterday and it was scrumdumideahlicious. I think I'm getting better with cooking until someone asks me, "How's your cooking?" I can happily say, "No one's thrown up yet." And its always those people that have parents and grandparents that are licensed chefs and can cook their ass off. I feel like you just want to laugh at me when I say I steamed vegetables today. Don't be an asshole.

I've started working 40 hrs a week. Aaaarrrggghhhhhh!!!! The days are so long. I freaking live at work. Plus I hate most of the people at work for giving me such a hard time on how I talk. So I shut up. Then they say, "What's wrong? You're not talking." YOUUUU BITCH! YOUUU. I'm slowly learning that none of this is worth it. Now to figure out what is worth it.

A lingerie party. I just want to be a fly on the wall. It sounds sexy as hell. That's all.

And yall may not want to believe me but believe me its true.