my conditioning has been conditioned

i like lightbrites. I know. I feel bad. I'm a rather pro black brother but when it comes to the ladies nothing turns my head like the light skin sista. And its strange cuz you might think that I probably like white girls too but I don't. I don't even notice them. Even the top models don't interest me. But when I see a lightbrite enter the room with them pretty eyes and smile, I get happy. I'm not hating on you dark to caramel skin sistas cuz I got love for all my black women, but something about the light skin. I guess I feel like I'm the field slave dreaming of getting with master's house slave. You know the one.

all there is left to do is pray

you heard it before. Drop to your knees in reverence to the Lord pray through the difficult times. A lot of people believe in prayer. Well add me to the list. To be honest, I don't pray that much, nor do I go to church. I've been having issues with the idea and the experiences of church. There is a sense of hopelessness and surrender. They even say surrender to the Lord. But I'm not one to give up so easily. I understand what is being said: putting your trust in the almighty rather than your own ideas or other humans; but I don't like the wording. I'm a competitive person so I like to think that I will always give it my all even if I lose. So let me not surrender to the Lord but ask him to be by my side as I face the many demons of this world. Like, if I was on the battlefield and the enemy has catapults, arrows, and gigantic beasts (for some reason my life battle is set in medeville days) but I have a sword that glows bright from God's wrath and with one blow I destroy a whole army. That's how I want to feel in church. My real issue is probably that I haven't found the right church.

Prayer is very important. Not for the mysterious power of miracles that people believe it possess but because it allows us to believe in ourselves. If you pray continuously for something, speak it to yourself over and over again; you have no reason not to believe. Its simple human nature actually. Think about it. What is the color blue? Its the color that your parents first told you the name of, then your teachers told you the same thing, then your peers agreed with them, so you begin to begin to believe the color is blue. Why, because you heard it over and over again.

So people lets pray. Let's pray to believe in ourselves; believe in good things happening; believe that this is the good life. With that I believe that I will be a great graphic designer. Check my page on Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/54552805@N00/sets/72157606443318136/

i've been told to love hip-hop

i've been asking mad questions lately about hip-hop and whether or not its worth listening to. My conclusion is I'm getting old. Hip-hop has always been about the young people. It is the voice for the youngins and new generation. I remember my hip-hop: the running man, vanilla ice, tmnt the movie, then I grew up with Blackstar, The Roots, Common. All the kids now that love the souljah boi, young bootsie, lil wayne will soon grow up and learn to listen to something more than funky dance music. So in essence, no one has to tell me to love hip-hop. I've been in love with hip-hop. Just because my hip-hop is not the same as yours doesn't mean we have to hate each other. I just love her for different reasons.

home again

brockton is my home and where I learned that... well I didn't learn much except 1+2=3 and i'm still iffy about that. But home is where I need to be at right now. Life in the A isn't all that its cracked out to be. I need a break. Being with fam and people that not only accept me for who I am but know who I am will be comforting. I want to make sure that I'm completely clear about life when I go back. Basically I want to show off: new clothes, new shoes, new attitude. People ask me about life in the A and i'm all about it being "nice!"

"And I don't need no hook for the shiiit!!!" (c) Jay-Z

chicken alfredo, 40hrs, lingerie party

i made chicken alfredo yesterday and it was scrumdumideahlicious. I think I'm getting better with cooking until someone asks me, "How's your cooking?" I can happily say, "No one's thrown up yet." And its always those people that have parents and grandparents that are licensed chefs and can cook their ass off. I feel like you just want to laugh at me when I say I steamed vegetables today. Don't be an asshole.

I've started working 40 hrs a week. Aaaarrrggghhhhhh!!!! The days are so long. I freaking live at work. Plus I hate most of the people at work for giving me such a hard time on how I talk. So I shut up. Then they say, "What's wrong? You're not talking." YOUUUU BITCH! YOUUU. I'm slowly learning that none of this is worth it. Now to figure out what is worth it.

A lingerie party. I just want to be a fly on the wall. It sounds sexy as hell. That's all.

And yall may not want to believe me but believe me its true.

a love/hate relationship

runners on your mark. Get set. Get out of bed and go running. So I've been running four mornings a week since March. I've gotten faster, stronger, and I go to sleep at 10:30 pm. Nothing else sums up the feeling of this part of my day then the new balance commercial: Love/Hate. I've been dying to get a pair of their shoes ever since I seen it. Its simple and describes everything I feel. Even the red is the exact color I feel while jogging 3 miles. The best thing that has happened is when I started sprinting. Boy I tell you I couldn't finish 3 laps before sprinting. My calves and shins were burning. My lungs were about to explode. Then I started sprinting. When you feel real pain from sprinting everything else is nothing. Now I can lap 3 with ease, sprint 3 and lap again 2 times. Its wonderful.

Now here is the terrible part. I'm outside and I love running outside rather than in the gym because of the constant change of scenery, the ease of running in front of my house and not get in my car to go work out, and it just feels natural. Just me and the road. But because I'm outside there are bugs. Bugs that crawl by your feet, fly into your eyes, your mouth. I just don't understand how there is more than 500 sq. ft. in the area, I take up about 2 sq ft. and a fly takes up .15 sq ft. How the hell does a bug find me and my nose to fly into. It doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping to continue running through the summer so that by my birthday I will have officially brought sexy back. I've lost 5 lbs so far. Not much but I'm only looking to lose about 15. Hopefully that will trim my gut.

assessment

Alright, lets re-assess what I've been doing. I'm "working on my portfolio" means I'm working on getting off the couch and concepting new things. I admit it, it should be done by now. I have no excuse. Bear with me ya'll.

I run 3 miles every morning on the street in front of my house (unless it rains, like today; its a love hate relationship). I also participated in my first walk for something (march of dimes). It was grueling. Atlanta is definitely not a walking city. There was no feeling of neighborhoods and friendly patrons. Just business building after building after highway after abandoned house and one big empty park. I miss Boston summers. I've also changed my eating habits. That means less fast foods and yes I have been eating corn (c) Friday (when Smokey was taking a dump and Eazell caught him).

I'm bitter while going to church. Yeh I'm back at a baptist church and I thought I might find a church buddy from work but I haven't heard from her since the first time we went. I'm bitter because I thought I'd be in a better position right now. I definitely thought I would have more money; based on childhood expectations and recent plans (both are disappointing me). So I'm wondering what the next move is.

I'm going to work now. You can see a youtube video about how I feel about that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ-VONi7ei0
Yeh nuff said.

get busy

Yeh The Legendary Roots Crew is back with Rising Down. I am waiting for the album in the mail like a kid on christmas eve. Meanwhile enjoy the videos.

discipline

that's what life is about. All the times your parents set rules and punishments for you, it was all about discipline. You can't keep your job without it. You don't survive most relationships without it. So that's what I have to learn. I already know about work and social discipline but the hardest challenge is self-discipline. Getting up in the morning to run a mile around the neighborhood, shutting the television off and doing something productive, that's the hardest part.

And I think there is a difference between discipline and self deprecation. When you deprive yourself of certain things you are not in control of the desire, you are just torturing yourself. We all have things we want to do and have the right to do them but we must learn how much we can do these things in a given time. Its not wrong to do anything in this world (except for murder and adultery) so we should be afraid of doing what we want to do. We just have to know when to stop. That may be the hardest thing to learn especially in this world where we see everybody else living lives the way we want to but we have no idea how to do it. Well my friends even the most carefree rich guy has discipline. You may not even have to work hard to get what you want. Just discipline and consistency. That's all it takes.

daylight savings is %$&#ing up my high

I've been tired
I've been sleepy
I've been crouch in my bed from cold of the night

I've been creepy
I've been cranky
I've been fighting with all the peoples cuz something just ain't right

Cuz daylight savings is f_king up my high
Daylight savings, I'm missing an hour of my life
Daylight savings is f_king up my high
Daylight savings got me tired and I don't know why

Sunday Afternoon

I can not stop laughing.

remember that time?

There was a time where I had never touched a cup of liquor. When my comrades and I would sip the little drops of beer left over from my uncle's bottle and grimace from the bitter taste. There were times when people would ask me if I did drugs or alcohol and I would flatly refuse. There were times when I would taste a mix drink and wonder why the hell anyone would take another sip of this burning liquid of engine oil?

Then began the times of when I would feel the sensation of complete irresponsibility. A time where all of my actions could be dismissed in front of any judge and jury. The times when giggling was the only way I could breath for a half hour. The times when I would reach a second dimension and meet my other self who would rebuke me for my intoxication. The times that are most memorable because I don't remember any of it.

Another time is upon us. A time of fellowship. A time of intellectual stimulation. A time of instinctual communication with hormonal sexes.

Dudes Night Out. Part 2
Atlanta, GA

starving artist

i wonder if I have the gonads to be a starving artist. I don't want to be. I want to make art for me, for fun, to release my creative juices. I use it as an escape from this stressful, 9 to 5, alcoholic world.

Lately I've been creating for money and it doesn't feel good. What really feels bad is that I'm not getting any money for it. I'm spending money to create a portfolio that will get me a job that will pay my bills from trying to get a job. Nah that's not what art and creativity is about. I don't mind getting paid for it and I'm by no means one of those crazy artsy people that are too good to make money. I just don't want to create with that kind of pressure. If I have to make money, fine I'll get a job, but when I want to express something I feel I'm not doing it for fame or money. Its for the feeling of release, freedom, voice.

As an artist, you can't stop me from saying what I want to say and that's the beauty of it. America says that there is freedom of speech but we all know that's a bunch of malarkey. Because as soon as I do something they don't like I have the right to remain silent, anything I say can and will be used against me. But under the label of an artist, I can say fck 'em.

I don't want to starve doing art and I don't want my art to starve. I just want to do art and accept donations.

art is sacrifice

so my last video I Am Black History is a salute to Black History Month. I thought of it the last day of February while watching The Roots new video "75 Bars Black's Reconstruction" (its dope, the movie begins). I was trying my best with these old sharpies to write on my skin. One of the pens all of a sudden blow up with out me knowing. My bed gets inked up, ink is all over the pen, I'm thinking damn. I get another pen and finish writing on my self then I walk over to my macbook and ink is splatter all over. This ish is permanent. I got black ink blots on a white macbook. I try to rub it off but no go. The computer still works fine so I leave it alone. Hopefully I'll get used to it soon. All I know I will always remember this video: the day I made a sacrifice for art.

75 Bars Black's Reconstruction by The Roots is the greatest video so far this year. Of course it got me to thinking: man Thought is really using the "N-word" - naked. No I mean nigger. With all the recent backlash for black people still using the word and is it offensive? Most black people that use it say, "we're just turning something bad into something good." I never agreed with that. I understand it but it always felt like a week argument. It's like a girl who was raped and then becomes a pornstar as an adult, it doesn't make it any better.

But The Roots new song gave the word power. I am a nigger. I might be all the niggers he says in the songs or all the nigger stereotypes you know about. No matter what you think, people are scared of niggers (not just whites). Is fear power? No, but power is greater with fear.

And then niggers call each other niggas but white folk can't say it, why? Because its a way to express a nigger's power, "I dare you to call me nigger. I know you made it up, and we use it with each other but if you dare use it in front of me you catching a whooping. That's the kind of power I have." This might not make any sense but when is that ever important when dealing with power (eh hem, cough*Bush*cough).

for the coup des grande sauce

The Boondocks. I love it I love it I love it.

the fam ain't eating cheddar biscuts

what part of the game is that?

I needs my cheddar.

nowhamsayin?

riley's that dude

I'd move. I'm just saying. It's pee.

lets recap

I'm 24, college graduate, in Atlanta, working for the man, writing novels and screenplays.

Where do I want to be in five years?
Married, an author, respected creative, possible comedian, and recovering alcoholic.

I think I can make it happen.

Lately I've wondered whether or not I have a dream. You know what they say about people without dreams: they're worthless (I'm paraphrasing). But people have these dreams to be doctors, lawyers, actors, rich. I realize I have no dream job. I enjoy a lot of things and I'm a hard working man so nothing is too hard for me to do. To me I don't think it matters what job I have. As long as I can provide for a wife and kids I'll be happy.

My dream is to be able to provide for a family.

That doesn't satisfy you. That's fine. Its my dream. I'll get there however I need to.

crack music

i guess writing when you don't feel like writing is a good way to write. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to think about anything. But how can I stop myself from thinking. Especially when lately there is not a lot of people to talk to. I'm just trying to fill the quota for the month here. Nothing special will come of this.

Here's one thing I've thought about: music is way to easy to get with this internet thing. I never get a chance to listen to an album for a month straight. Everyday I download something and it's never a whole album but what artist makes a whole album anymore. Nowadays its all about the singles. But I remember back in the day I would put in a cd on repeat for six hours straight while doing homework or something for a whole month before I would decide to change it. Now with a library of music, I never listen to an album for more than two weeks. Of course I go back to the classics (Aquemini is the greatest album of all time), but new music never gets a listen to. This sucks because there are certain songs on an album from your favorite that you don't get the first couple of times and need to listen to it for a month straight to realize how good it is but you don't because you got a new album to listen to. And what I hate especially, my favorite artists that I still support by buying the album end not getting heard but I feel okay because I still supported. Its like crack, I'm looking for that first initial high from the first album.

I don't know what to make of the music these days, that's why I find myself listen to grown folk music. Can you imagine one day I will have to explain to my grandkids who Michael Jackson is or was? The king of pop. Weird, right?