Hey Mom, I want to be a comedian!

I don't even think my mom would know what a comedian is and when I explain it to her I'm sure she would tear me a new one. I'm glad we live in separate states because she would just smack me upside my head if I was close enough. But seriously, on my bucket list is to try being a comedian. My problem is I have no idea where to start.

From my research (which consists of watching Delirious over and over again), I've realized that a stand up performance is not a guy who thinks he can stand up in front of people and tell funny stories. You gotta be able to relate to folks, have the right timing, and project a consistent persona. But more important than all of that is appearing to be original (I say appearing because there is nothing new in comedy but my take on it has to be just a little bit different).

I say all this to get to one thing, my first joke. Here it goes.

As you can tell I'm not from Oklahoma. I'm from Boston. Go Celtics. When I moved here I expected to see a bunch of cowboys riding on horses riding down the street along side of my car. I was sadly mistaken. But its cool. What's really cool are the Native Americans out here. Man if you have any Native American blood I swear you got a free ride out here. You got scholarships and casinos. It makes me feel bad for black people. Like who the hell was making the deal with white people when they gave us freedom. The Natives got casinos and free education and this nigga said we'll take 40 acres and a mule. Why couldn't he have said something like amusement parks. Could you imagine the irony for black to own amusement parks. We could make white people get on rides called the whiplash....

That's all I got but it would go further into rides named after slavery things like riding on a boat while chained up or something. I got some more work to do.

To Exist...

Life changing moments only happen a few times. The rest is just mundane. Go to work, get paid, hand it over to the man, then stress.

There's a better way but most of us are too scared to risk it. We know it will be hard. We know we will suffer. And we know it might not work out.

This is my existence.

Sent from my iPhone

Doctor said...

I've been seeing a therapist for several months (really just three times) and this last time she suggested that I might be depressed. Sigh! Now I feel like I'm wasting time thinking about being depressed and it's making me depressed. I thought I was happy until now. What's worse about it is that I got some really good advice about motivation. And now I'm having trouble focusing on that advice because I might need drugs to solve my problems.

The advice given to me was: when I'm feeling lazy and I should be doing work, I need to ask myself, "what am I saying about me right now? Am I not important?"

It seems that I haven't thought of myself as important. I guess I never asked. I've always thought of myself as important to others: at work, at home, in my family. But I haven't told me, "you is kind, you is smart, you is important." Hopefully I can focus on that advice rather than I need to be drugged advice. It's funny how the devil works.

let's be friends

I need some friends outside of this relationship. I depend way too much on my fiance. To the point that when one of her friends comes in from out of town I have nothing to do all day, while she hangs out, I get upset. I don't need to be upset because this is not going to happen often. I guess I'm jealous. And being drunk doesn't help either.

This is why I need some friends I can hang with in this situation. The problem is that when making new friends while you are in a relationship is hard to do. You see just because you want to hang out one random evening doesn't mean that another person will have time for you to do so. Everything has to be planned these days. Its not like when I was younger and I knew who I was hanging out with every day. I could count on it. Nobody else can count on me to hang any random night. I guess I'm starting to understand the meaning of ball and chain.

Movies and Smoothies: HappyThankYouMorePlease

I like this movie. Its a bit cheesy the way it pokes fun at itself at times but other than that its got a good message. I don't know how I feel about the white guy adopting a little black kid (feels a little Angelina Jolie to me) but it turns out alright. I good message about this movie is in the title. When someone gives you a compliment you say, "Thank you. More please." How nice and comforting. Being humble.

Other than that, its an interesting story. Watch it.

motivation

my district manager said something important during a meeting, "You can't motivate anyone. That person has to motivate himself." It was very profound; so against the norm; and completely the wrong attitude for any manager. He is right. No matter how hard you try you can't motivate another person. Motivation is a light bulb locked in the beacon of our self conscience. Its our job to find the key and begin shed light towards our happiness. As a manager, your job is help us find that key. You can't make us open that door but most of us have no idea where to start looking.

So its true, you can't truly motivate any one person, but as a manager, do the work that it takes to get me to where I need to be. It just might pay off for you.

a dream turns into goals

i've been lying to myself this whole time. I have dreams and plenty of them. I was just looking at my Kick It List and I realized that's it; that's the motivation I need. There's nothing on my list I don't feel like I can't accomplish and I would honestly feel great about succeeding in those goals. The list is my measure of success. If I can complete everything on that list before I die, I'm sure I can look back on my life and say I was the man I wanted to be, needed to be, and always was.

Now is the time I conquer all my fears. Now is the time I turn these dreams into goals. I've been looking for something to motivate me. Too many nights and nightmares have been wasted on thoughts about failures in the past. I've measured myself against the fantasy of a rich, slick talking, white guy who pleases so many women in bed. That is not me. I can not be defined. I can only choose to live the experiences that will inspire me to live a long and happy life. I think I need to add one more thing my Kick It List and that is to make a new Kick It List when I'm done with this one.

the mark of the age

i'm old. Up until this point I had no idea what made you old and out of touch. I realized music was moving along without me for a couple of years now but there still wasn't a dance move I couldn't do better than most my age. I've been healthy and still active. I'm still being asked for id at the liquor store. But now age has crept into my life like a terminal illness. The reality is here: I've got one foot in the grave.

The eye opening moment happen when I saw a commercial for the greatest hits of... (wait for it) THE 90'S. Let me explain: growing up I watched these commercials about the greatest hits of time period I knew nothing about. First it was the 70's, then it was the 80's. These commercials would run through a list of songs I may have heard of at some grown folk party and watched their eyes light up as the first beat drop. I couldn't fully grasp the meaning of all the songs but I understood I was not the demographic.

So present day. I'm on my couch. One of these commercials come on. Not only do I know the words of every song that is being played but the titles on the screen are recognizable as well. As the clips of 90's sounds play back to back, the songs grow my excitement and spark my nostalgia to the point of orgasm in my front lobe. At that very moment of musical ecstasy, I realized that this pleasure would turn into shame. I realized this was the mark of my age. I'm officially old.

The pain of reaching this benchmark didn't stop there; my body began to manifest this truth with back pain, wisdom teeth suffering, and migraines. Its all over now. My youth has faded. I have nothing left to do but get married, raise some kids, and tell stories of myself in my better days.

just live it

biggest pet peeve of the new generation is the camera phone. Sure its great to have one digital device that can encompass all your source of entertainment and communication but it does one evil thing that I can not forgive anyone for: it records.

You're at your favorite concert. You can hear your favorite performer. You can sense this is one of those memorable moments you have in your life. Then you pull out your phone and press record. Now your seeing everything through a 4.5 inch screen (if you're lucky). Nothing else matters anymore but getting a decent shot of what's going on.

It's cool that you can share this with someone later and maybe you might get enough hits on Youtube to feel good about your ability to press record at the right time. But you have unknowingly detached yourself from the moment that you should never be able to forget. Instead of giving more energy to a rock god that shines in front of you, you suck the light into your small digital device for your own selfishness. I can't stand people that press record.

Your hand should be up for no other reason but to pump your fist in rhythm of the sound that you came for. You should let the moment exist only in the special memory vault that contains everything that makes you yearn for happiness. Don't press record. Just pause. Just live it.

expectations

it's amazing how expectations drives a relationship. You know your significant other loves you dearly and wants to see you happy but still has an expectation that prevents you from your own happiness. And it doesn't have to be malicious or unfair. You might want to hang out with your friends and she is cool with that except the fact that she will be left alone on a Saturday night. Try as you might to notify her of your plans in advance but when the time comes and you are walking out the door, the only look on her face is abandonment. What's most confusing is when you ask if you should stay home, her reply will be no.
There goes your days of enjoying yourself with any other person but your woman. I guess it makes sense. A relationship is all about compromise. You do your best to meet the expectations of your partner. The struggle is when in turn you have some expectations that are not being met at the same time. Then begins the arguing and the emotions. Oh the wonderful emotions. Mixes so well with alcohol.
The only thing to do is to communicate. You can not meet every expectation. You just have accept the other persons point of view and agree that you see it differently. This might mean you will continue to argue about the same topic for the rest of your time together. Slip it in to any other argument that has anything to do with the situation. Most importantly keep it bottled in so that it frustrates you everyday. Then kill yourself. Good luck with marriage.

Mo' Postin! Mo' Postin! Mo' Postin!

so for Lent I gave up secular music. Jesus this is tough (no blasphemy). Gospel music is great. I miss it actually. But I really have to be in the mood for it. What's sad is that I don't have an even balance of hip hop, r&b, and gospel like I used to. I'm already thinking of how I'm going to fit gospel music in my regiment after Easter.

The problem is gospel music speaks about one thing (don't make me spell it out); other music has different topics that can be fun: baby momma drama, politics, fun with friends. I understand I need to stay mindful of God and his blessings but whats really fun is when Phonte spits game to a female in a verse that doesn't rhyme. You don't get cleverness like that with gospel.

Now I'm thinking maybe I should listen Christian Rap. You just missed it but I chuckled. I do not like it when artists try to get new age with gospel music; conforming to the new generation. Kirk Franklin is cool, but he does a good job of turning something old into new. I can't stand listening to a rapper cry about his past life as a thug and then turns his life to Jesus. You can't be gangsta for Jesus.

no. I will not man date

how do I tell this guy at work I don't wanna go on a man date? Dude's not from here, just like I'm from here and he's just like me: awkward. I get the idea to hang out because I don't know nobody and he don't, so we should be able to grab some beers and chill, right? Wrong. I mean it feels wrong. Can't we just hang in a group for awhile to find out if we have similarities? I don't know what to talk about with him. We from opposite races, opposite cities, opposite college backgrounds; not really a match made in heaven.

Even though I despised the idea on going a man date, we went to bar last week. Just to make it less awkward, I invited this other dude in a similar situation so it would be "guys" night out. Everything went alright. I was drunk off my ass and we ended up smoking a spliff. Was it the best night of my life? Nope. But now dude is asking me when we going to hang again and I gotta walk by him with awkward looks because I'm antisocial as f_ck and he is too. Unfortunately we don't have anything interesting in common. Sure he's a married man and I'm engaged so we can talk about married guy stuff but that only last so long.

This feels like when you meet a chick and you don't want to talk to her anymore but she don't get the hint. What's worst is that I have to work with him. Oh boy.

how i wish my coverletter would read

What it do,

You may not know it but I'm the bomb diggity. I'm the bomb at selling stuff people don't need and I'm the bomb at making you some money. If you decide to cut me in on the nonsense you sell at a booshie as price, we goin' blow up. Don't even bother looking at my resume, just hit me up on my celly and I'll let you know the 411 on the fun we'll have laughing at my black ass during the company picnic (you know I got some good ass fried chicken). Yo, straight up... I know you got some old foggies you looking to get rid of because your company stay on that new new. You need new shit? I'm that dude. I stay fresh to death. So check it, hit me up at 11:32am or 5:01pm, cause you know the j.o.b. be tripping about "personal calls." Hook a brother up.

Aight, one.

Don't stop the body rock

I'm afraid to admit this but I don't know how to have fun with my fiancé. Actually its more scary to realize this then to admit it. Don't get me wrong, we have fun from time to time. But when I get off work and got that itch to wild out my fiancé is not the first to come to my mind. A matter fact when I think of involving her I lose my enthusiasm. I'm pretty sure this is normal. Mostly because the best fun I ever have is with my cousin (we grew up together). Sadly I moved away from home (far away) so now our fun times come few and far between.
So what should I do? Get some new male friends. But at the risk of taking another man out on date, I refrain from asking another guy to hang out and play video games (I don't even have a second controller). So I'm waiting for another male companion to naturally happen. Hang out in a group for awhile, see if we would gell or even like the same sports team. But how the hell do I get a group of people together when I can't even get one person to hangout with?

awkward...

I'm tired of being awkward. At least that is the only way i can describe myself. Somehow everybody sees me as different. Even when I try to be like them and please them, they say it is strange. I've been dealing with this all my life and it's getting annoying.

I thought I figured it out a few years ago: just be yourself. Yeah that is the first major problem. When I'm being myself that's when I get the most annoying comments. As if I'm ruining their day for being myself. Makes no sense.

home alone

I don't understand my fiance's way of thinking. She's expressed her concerns many times that she spends a lot of time home alone. She has a right too. I work retail hours therefore I have a constantly changing schedule that doesn't allow me to be home at a decent hour. I try my best on my days off or when I get to go home early to spend time with her when she gets home from work. But now I'm sitting at home alone because she has other plans with her friends.

I've addressed her about this topic a little bit and her only answer is, "well you do it to me. Now you know how I feel." Does that really make things better? It's even coming to the point now when I've worked late nights and come home around 10pm, she's not there and it was her day off from work. Makes no sense to me. I know on my day off, I'm preparing a meal, cleaning the house, relaxing and getting myself ready to see my boo. On her days off, she is running around town and barely making it home the same time I do to start to cook dinner.

I know what some of you are thinking, I'm one of those men who wants his woman home all the time cooking and slaving for me. But if you have just read what I wrote, I feel like I'm justified at thinking that I'm getting the raw end of this deal. I understand that she has been at home alone a lot more than me. I even enjoy some time alone and she doesn't. But it doesn't mean that I don't want to be with my woman at night.

One Rhyme to Live

I just want to bust a sixteen
And make you feel like when I was sixteen
Happy busting nuts and thinking of all my dreams
Like how me and my boys would be living in the big city
Driving fancy cars and fucking hoes with big titties
But now we on a different route, real life: its a real bout
We goin' battle motherfuckas in the club, just to find the way out
Its real nigga shit, no metaphors or similies
Its all about the basement, Brockton has our loyalties

Chorus:
I got one rhyme to live, one verse to show you who I is
One beat to show you niggas that I'm a be the shit
I put this song together so you never forget
This life is not a movie and I'm a always live it

Sigh...

I really want to do everything that I enjoy professionally. I want to be a comedian/actor who raps, and draws his own comic book. Its not enough that I just create these things, I want to be famous for all those things. For now I would accept just being famous in my city.

My biggest problem of course is fear. I fear it would be a waist of time. I think my fear is real. The internet has shined so much light on to how many people are actually attempting to gain fame and have no talent at all. It has also put a spotlight on how many people that have talent don't ever get the fame and success because they don't have "it."

I, by no means, have the passion of the talentless and talented people of the internet. I'm stuck in the real world; filled with hope and despair. But I'm going to attempt to be all the things I enjoy, just to cross it off my bucket list. And since I'm getting married soon, this should be the year to do it.

Mean Girls

There are two women at work who I know is the reason that men quit after about three months. These ladies are the epitome of mean: always picking on somebody, always making somebody mad, and always finding a way to irritate me. What I can't understand;  what boggles my mind is when they "have to have a talk with me," they have no idea why they always have a problem with their coworkers. 

I know I should tell them how mean spirited they are. How every time they are asked to do something they have to fight about it. How they don't listen and then wonder why they are always in the office about an issue. How they think they know everything but not willing to teach. But I'm really sad for them.

You see the real issue is that they are unhappy with their lives. They have been in the same position at the company and their own lives for years now. They are still in school in hopes to one day be more than they are now and until they are finished, they come to work angry. 

I understand their anger because I've been there. I've been angry working next to high school kids and I've got a college degree. I've been upset that the new guy is getting promoted quicker then me. I've felt the disloyalty of a big corporation. So what advice do I have for them? Get fired.

Being unemployed puts a brand new perspective on your life. It teaches you that you aren't the shit and nothing will be handed to you. You have to play the game and move quickly. Just because you have been somewhere for a long time does not earn you the right for a promotion or respect. It doesn't even get you a watch anymore. All it shows is that you aren't ready for the next level. You have a complacency issue. 

So as a supervisor, a person of management, a well respected individual, how do I get these mean girls fired?

Sent from my Samsung Epic™ 4G Touch

Man Cave Day was a great success.

 The setup:
- Sunday and day off from work
- Apartment all to myself all day long
- Football Season
- Daylight savings, extra hour to sleep

The plan
- Sleep in
- Lay on the couch
- Watch a movie
- Watch football
- Have a brew
- Relax in my pj's

I got everything done. A couple of upsets happened. My Patriots lost to the Giants, again. And my fiance is still not home at a quarter to ten at night. I find it funny how she decides to spend her days off. She complains sometimes of how tired she is but than continues to be involved with so many activities. Her days off consist of Sorority meetings, pageants, shopping, planning the wedding, and cooking. I tell her she just needs to sit her ass at home and relax, but that doesn't seem like it will ever happen.

She tells me one of her fears is that she will be raising our future kids all by her self because I work late hours and I'm not off on weekends. I wonder if she will have time for kids with all the programs she is involved with.

This is just another case of how different we are. Its scary. I mean we like the same things but not the same way. I admire the fact she is so involved in community activities. I find myself jealous sometimes. I wish I was as committed. Do I ever see myself giving up a chance to have another Man Cave Day? Definitely not. Man Cave Day is what I work for. Its a day I've earned from hours on my feet dealing with crazy people about cellphones. Its a day I long for during long drives to my fiance's friend's wedding (people I hardly know).

Ahh, Man Cave Day. Can't wait to do it again.

Can't wait to get a Man Cave like this one day.