cabin fever

i've been trapped in my own home. Being at home for days upon days is something I never thought I would hate. I didn't go out everyday when I did have a job but just being out of the house was something I didn't realize was so important to my sanity. Even the simple act of buying fast food is something I miss. I don't hate cooking, I just like the ease of pre-cooked food.

I think I've never been so focused on my design before. This is the positive of my cooped up days. The shock of being unemployed is still wearing off but I'm definitely focused.

thanks for your patience

i love not being in customer service anymore. I don't have to kill 'em with kindness. I can just kill it.

If I design, or give advice to anyone in the future and I see that they don't appreciate it, I'm going to end the agreement or conversation immediately. I'm not wasting time anymore (unless it comes with a beer and a good movie). The only way I'll continue to listen to nonsense is if money has been fronted to me to do a job. No dollo no mojo.

I hate the salesmen type. They have nothing but their words. Even what they offer isn't theirs, but they feel that they can barter with it. Get the f*ck outta here with that. I've just learned a valuable lesson: I have a price.

Joy! (geeked like a little school girl)

And its all about the principle. There's princibalities in this.

first date feelings

when Adam and Eve shared that apple together, I think that was their first date. I know that whole event has a negative feeling because it took them from paradise and separated the human race from God but think about it at love's stand point. When Adam took the bite it was like he was saying, "Girl, I'm with you to the end. Lets ride or die this bitch" (ebonically interpreted). And how could he resist? God made the most beautiful being on earth for him and he's supposed to say no to her? I don't think so. God set Adam up for a purpose. The Devil just used it as an advantage.

Side bar: why do we call it The Devil and not just Devil? We call God, God without "The". Think about it.

I just think that maybe we should celebrate that moment more often. What if at a wedding the couple takes a bite out of a apple at the same time to signify that we are taking a risk together in this life? And its not like the apple is the bad symbol. Its the fruit of knowledge from the tree of life (I think that's how it goes).

Message to future wife: we eating an apple after our vows. I'm starting a new trend.

gsmooth Radio presents First Date Feelings
Podcast coming soon.

music makes me high

I've created some podcasts. Having trouble making them mp3s but for now if you have itunes I believe you can listen to these.

gsmoothRadio.m4a
http://www.divshare.com/download/6399723-bb5

MidnightClouds.m4a
http://www.divshare.com/download/6399724-b9c

Last Words

See you at the top.

And that's where I plan to be.

its time for change

this year will be about change (Obama got niggas feeling it). The biggest change I hope to achieve is accepting who I am. I think the reason why I'm ever nervous or doubtful is that I imagine myself as someone else or I compare myself too much. I know who I am and what I like and don't like; its time I accept it and love it. Sure I'm a solo cat. But put me in any room and I can charm the hell out of it. I also wear glasses so I look less cool and too smart for most people (that's right, I am). My confidence is more arrogant than proud. My feeling is I'm the right guy at the right time. A great addition to any party. I'll add insight, intelligence, and enlightenment. I'm the guy that covers the details.

lost without you (c)Robin Thicke

it only took about an hour but I'm officially bored again
I gotta focus.
Not just on the amazing evenings of the past but the upcoming days of the future
the endless search of love is not in the discovery,
(Because no one ever unveils its true smile)
But in the endless search where love continues to remain.

all G, all the time

I've decided to wear glasses all the time. No more contacts. No more trying to fit the social norm. Next year I'm going to get a second pair of fashionable glasses and just start collecting. I'm going to the club in glasses, dates with glasses, accepting all awards with glasses.

I remember the first time I got glasses in seventh grade. I wasn't ashamed of them at first. I thought it made me look sophisticated and older. So when I walked into my homeroom with my fresh pair on and got laughed at by my friends I was more than surprised and embarrassed. But I had to wear them; I couldn't see. After a while it just became who I was. I loved wearing them with a suit on Sunday. I felt classy.

Now I'm older and I don't care what anybody thinks I look like. I know I look like a G. So that's who I'll be: all G, all the time.

we in a recession B!tch

i wondered how this recession business was going to effect me personally. I figured it wouldn't bother me that bad. I'm black. I know how to live on $6 per week. This will be easy. The biggest thing I've noticed is the price on products have gone up but gas is going down so it's evening out. What really hurts is the liquor tax. Makes me not want to drink anymore. That sounds like a good thing right.

i just hope that the plans I have for next year can get accomplished. My biggest fear is layoffs. My company plans to ditch 30,000 people. Not the right time to ask for a raise. Hopefully though by this time next year, my assets will be thick, my mercedes will be fly, and I will have realized my full potential in life.

A change goin' come (c)Sam Cooke

reflectionnnnn!!!!

aight so I stopped drinking for the month of december. Its like lent for me. Really though, i'm just want new years to be extra special drunk. Third dimension drunk. The problem is, being sober for a month is tough. Man I didn't realize how much I was relying on being drunk after work in order to feel free for just a moment through out me days. The hard part is the taste. Man can I taste a beer right now. But I've been holding strong. I feel an addiction is just a learned behavior. Its like learning how to drive or something. It becomes so innate, like you don't have to think about it. Think if you didn't drive anywhere for a month and just walked or biked. You'd miss the laziness. And really that is what drinking is all about for me, laziness. Whenever I come home and drink I feel good for 20 minutes and then fall asleep. That's the ultimate feeling of laziness. Damn codependency.

very simple

you set a goal and want nothing else. your ultimate goal maybe greater and much more significant but achievement of the primary goal is of the utmost importance.

I got 4. I'm feeling good.

ahhhh. *puts feet up*

i had a healthy day of nothing. No plans, no work, no stress. Just got up this morning, worked the shits out (drinking last night), watched dave chappelle season one, cooked, cleaned, cut my hair, and played video games. Yup. Today was a good day.

I say this because I joined a gym last week and have yet to step back into the bitch. My alarm clock is set, my schedule is made, but my heart is not in it. I don't know what got me motivated last time because right now, on my off days (which are few) I don't want to do nothing except zone out: enjoy what I like, take it easy, and don't worry about the usual stress of the day.

a knock knock and a ding dong

lately I've been getting strange people knocking at my door at strange hours: eight in the morning, nine at night; I don't know these people! So I stopped answering the door. I'm not expecting anybody, I don't know anybody, the people I talk to in Georgia have no idea where I live. I have roommates so at first I answered the door because it might be for them. Maybe a pizza man, maybe a female friend, maybe a package that I need to sign for; no more. If I'm not expecting something or someone I'm not getting up for random people. I don't care if they can hear my tv playing or see me through my window. I ain't getting up.

Unfortunately there is side effects. I feel like I'm trapping myself from the outside world. Like I'm purposely being unsocial. But what are the odds that some beautiful woman will open the door and offer free sex? Slim to none right? So its not me being unsocial, I just don't want to be bothered.

So stop ringing my doorbell, knocking on my door, trying to get me out of my couch. If you need me call me. Otherwise, I ain't your friendly neighborhood black man. Leave me alone.

pump... you up!/Obama Wins!

i joined a gym today. I feel like its just fat tax. Will I go for the three months I signed up for? Who knows. The only good thing is that I talked with a trainer (who tried to sell me protein shakes) and took a physical assessment. So I know where I am (out of shape) and I know where to go.

The amazing thing is that I have to eat five times a day and that my previous two times is dangerous. Five times?! That sounds like work. Eating has become my mood relaxer: one big meal then sleep like it'll be my last. Now I have a schedule of when I should snack and have a meal, what I should eat, how much; this is too much.

Once again the goal is to lose 20lbs of gut and thigh. I also need to lower sodium intake. The trainer showed me a chart that said I'm in a red level of heart attack risk. Well that's not good.

:::::OBAMA WINS:::::

Alright so history was made last night. I almost cried but I stiffened up quick. During the Barack's speech all I could do is squeeze and squeal because all I could think of is, "Please don't shoot him. Please. Not in front of the kids, his wife, and Oprah." I'm sorry. People have been telling me to stop saying that, stop joking about it but sadly history never changes people. They killed Lincoln, Kennedy, King, Malcom, Jesus. Anyone trying to do some good in this world has a early death sentence. So as excited as I am that times are changing in USA, I'm scared for Obama's life and his family. I don't think anybody should disagree with me.

But let's do this though. I'm talking to black people. Tighten up. Work hard. Make sure this period in your life is the best it can be. Because we have to make an overdue statement. The Civil Rights was the last time we made the world listen, now their ears are open. Lets tell them what we want and its not too far from what they want so it won't be hard for them to understand. In other words:

Black people don't f_ck this up!!

blissful ignant shit

i don't want to learn nothing new
i don't want to hear nothing new
i don't want to see nothing new

I just want that ol' time good stuff
That backyard, climbing trees stuff
That passing notes in the hallway stuff

i've learned what I could
and all I got was this lousy moment of life
for'git it. I just want some blissful ignant shit.

::::::::::

Just at this moment I'm feeling like maybe I just need to do something new: kickboxing, yoga, read a book, learn a instrument, etc. But then I think of all the frustration I'll have to go through to do stuff like that. First the money, then the time, then the focus; haven't I learned enough? I'm just looking for a distraction from work while I figure out how to get out of the bloody thing. But learning something new would just add more frustration. Why can't what I already know be enough?

making it to work

if you wanna know how I'm feeling
just take a look at how i stand
when I'm slouched to the front I'm unhappy
when my chest is sticking out I'm a man
each day is a different exact day of the first
you know what I'm talking about while sitting in traffic
i wish a meteor would crash down in front of me
so I could say something interesting just happened
like how i saved Susie from being crushed by a tree
while ducking hot flaming rocks and squeezing between cars
only to still make it work on time for the meeting
pour me some coffee, grab me a cookie from the cookie jars
i just wanna know that something else is going to happen today
so while I'm sitting at my desk filing these papers
and Bob from account comes over asking about expense reports
I can say, "Later! I've got to sharpen these knives and kill the ninja in the elevator."

i'm a ninja bitch!

I miss my xbox.

unfit world

So I take a test for a promotion. Its a personality assessment, you know: what would people say about you, what's your strongest attribute, how well do you work with people. In the end of a 105 question assessment i get the message that I'm unfit for the position. WTF? I'm unfit for my jeans cuz i drink too much but unfit for the job that I'm already doing on top of the other jobs I have to do because the brand spanking new employees have no idea what to do, makes no sense to me.

I can't tell you how frustrated and disappointed I am. I was honest and that's what failed me. Had I lied and chose the best answer for every question I'd make more money right now but because I wanted to see what honesty would bring me; I failed. I guess corporate thinks that if I don't think that I am the highest and best person they can hire they won't bother hiring me. Being human doesn't matter.

I can't help but think that this is just another sign that I don't deserve this crap. I need to do this career thing on my own. Answer to nobody. Kiss no ass. Fuck the man. I just gotta save up enough to do that.

morning tea

i grew up on tea. Moms first introduce me to coffee when I was seven years old. Thinking back now she was crazy. She had me running around with all this caffeine at such a young age. No wonder why I wasn't as big as my brothers. Then she started buying tea, Lipton tea (which to this day, as I type I'm still drink). My favorite thing about tea in the morning is the phrase my mom used to say every winter, "here drink some tea so you can heat your core." This is roughly translated from the kreole phrase, "shofay coh". I can't spell in kreole either. But every time I drink tea I think about how the liquids heat up my insides.

I've grown to love other teas as well but nothing brings me back to home then lipton tea. That and hot chocolate. That's all I will drink for christmas.

dreaming...

i've been having paralysis type dreams (when you are frozen still: can't move, can't speak, and everything seems real even the people in your dream). The last two out of three nights I've been stuck in my dreams, literally. Ever since that study I went to in college about sleep paralysis and how common it is in Caribbean folk, I've had these dreams more and more. I don't like it. I'm the type of dreamer that has total control. I fly in my dreams, dream myself out of dreams, control other people in dreams. I can't be paralyzed in my dream while someone antagonizes me. Its not a good feeling. Could these dreams mean I'm losing control of my own life?

Damn it to heck!